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‘What do you mean?’ I asked, as my ribs started to ache. Because for the first time in a long time, I was allowing myself to remember the other side of that night. The man who had initiated me with such care and attention. Who had made my first—and only—time so special. I’d convinced myself since, that had all been part of his act and his huge ego, his desire to prove himself with women, and had nothing to do with me personally. But even so I could picture his face far too clearly, an image I had suppressed for so long—the intense concentration in his expression, the flare of fierce need which had matched my own, as he had pushed me to orgasm.
‘Ever since he left the hospital,’ Belle continued, unaware of the turmoil of emotions I had spent four years learning to suppress, ‘he’s been holed up at his place in Cap Ferrat. He doesn’t socialise anymore, doesn’t see or speak to virtually anyone. And according to his business manager he is refusing to do the rehabilitation he needs to get as much mobility back as he can. Most of his staff have left, because he’s such a nightmare to work for now. He also isn’t eating...’ She paused. ‘He’s lost a ton of weight. Which is where you come in...’
‘What?How?’ I asked.
‘Henri, his manager, asked me if I could find someone to cook for him. Henri’s desperate to find someone who can entice him to eat again.’ She let out a laugh, but there was no humour in it. ‘Renzo was always a bon vivant. And Henri thinks he’s become so depressed he’s not interested in food. They’ve tried everything. But he won’t speak to the therapists or the doctors anymore, and Henri’s now desperate enough to try anything. He thinks if he can make Renzo want to eat again, he might turn a corner. He might start to want to live again too.’ Her cheeks heated. ‘Which was why I told Henri all about you—and your glittering credentials as a woman whose food is like manna from Heaven.’
‘I’m flattered,’ I managed, even though my stomach was hurting. And my heart was pounding so hard in my throat it was choking me.
I didn’t want to see Renzo Camaro again. I’d spent four years doing the work to forget him. But how could I tell Belle any of that. When I’d never even told her that I had once spent a night with him? That he was the man who had taken my virginity?
‘Would you do it, Jess?’ She grasped my hand, her eyes full of concern. ‘I know you’re taking a well-earned break at the moment. And that you don’t have any new commissions till the autumn. I know it’s a big ask. I also know it won’t be easy. Because Renzo won’t want you there.’
‘But surely he could just fire me then?’ I said, frantically trying to think of a way out, without disappointing Belle, or having to admit to her what I had hid from her for four years.
I knew she would have been nothing but supportive. But I also knew she’d be devastated—that I hadn’t confided in her. And weirdly, I also didn’t want to screw up her friendship with Camaro, because it didn’t sound as if he had many people left who cared about him.
‘Actually, he can’t,’ Belle said, squashing the hope I could get out of this predicament on a technicality. ‘Henri has had power of attorney on all Destiny Inc.’s holdings since the crash and Renzo’s been too despondent to change that. So Henri can hire you and Renzo can’t fire you.’
‘But what even makes you think it will work?’ I threw back at her, my ribs now feeling as if they were in a vice. ‘It sounds like cod psychology to me. If he’s depressed, getting him to eat a couple of great meals isn’t going to change that.’
‘I know it’s not going to be that simple. But what he really needs is a friend, Jess. Someone who will stand up to him. Who won’t let him avoid the real issues any longer. I’d do it myself but—’ she glanced at the baby ‘—I can’t leave the kids.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I know you don’t know him,’ she rushed on. ‘But I also know how you went to bat for me and Cai, when I needed you. When you were still just a kid yourself. You’ve been on your own for a while and you’ve managed to overcome your own demons, by sheer strength of will.’
‘What demons?’ I asked. How did she know any of this?
‘Your useless mum for starters,’ Belle offered. Then she looked me straight in the eye. ‘And the miscarriage.’
I blinked, stunned. ‘You knew?’
She nodded. ‘I saw it on your notes when I came to see you in hospital in London. When you didn’t tell me yourself, I wanted to respect your privacy.’ She shook her head, a tear leaking out of her eye, which she brushed away with an impatient fist. ‘I’m so sorry you never felt you could tell me about it, Jess.’
The guilt in her expression almost crucified me. ‘I should have told you, that’s not on you, Belle. Good god.’
‘But that’s why you didn’t want to come visit us, isn’t it? Why you found it so hard to be around my kids?’
I shook my head, the watery smile that split my lips making me realise how much I’d missed Belle, and the strength of our connection. ‘Not anymore,’ I said simply.
I’d always mourn the lost pregnancy. But I should never have kept the truth from her... Or at least not that much of the truth. Telling her now who the father was seemed somehow gauche. And insignificant.
She nodded back, her answering smile full of compassion and love. ‘I’m so so happy to hear you say that.’
But then she leant forward and said. ‘So can you help us try and fix Renzo, the way you once helped to fix me?’
I hadn’t fixed her, I wanted to say. She had made a brilliant life for herself because of her own bravery and hard work. But weirdly a part of me realised taking on this challenge—however it turned out—might actually be good for me.
My sadness, my heartache, the pain which had held me back from moving on with my personal life for so long, had never really been about Renzo. He had just been a catalyst. Surely, it was way past time I stopped running from that night? And this might be the best way to finally put that part of my past behind me.
If I could do Belle a favour at the same time, why not?
Renzo meant nothing to me, he never really had. He had just been an accidental sperm donor. So why on earth would I be so worried about seeing him again?
In actual fact, seeing him as he was now—‘a shadow of his former self’—could only help to put my own suffering into perspective.
After all, Renzo was no longer living the charmed life he once had. Everyone had problems that they had to overcome, even him. I wasn’t sure I could help him do that, but there could be no harm in trying. For Belle’s sake.
So, before I could second-guess myself, I went with my gut. ‘Okay, I’ll give it my best shot. But don’t blame me if it doesn’t work.’
Belle looked elated. The tight feeling around my ribs eased a little, but, annoyingly, I could still feel that aching pain around my heart.
