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I forced my gaze away from Renzo, the panic making my fingers tremble on the champagne flute in my hand. ‘Because it was him, Belle,’ I whispered.
‘Him who?’ she said, confused.
‘He was the father of the baby I lost,’ I said, the need to finally tell someone the whole sad, miserable story unstoppable. ‘I stole your invite, went to his masquerade ball that night in Paris. He was my first lover. And the next morning he was just gone. I couldn’t contact him. He didn’t want to know.’ A tear streaked down my face, as Belle grabbed my hand, and squeezed my fingers.
‘Oh, Jessie, I’m so so sorry that happened to you. He shouldn’t have done that. But what did he say when you told him?’ she asked, as she took the champagne glass out of my hand and passed it to a waiter. ‘Surely he must have apologised.’ She wiped the single tear away gently with her thumb. ‘I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to make amends now, because it’s obvious he adores you too.’
I blinked, as the emotions which had been so close to the surface all evening threatened to strangle me. ‘I haven’t told him about the pregnancy, the miscarriage.’
‘Why not?’ she asked, her thumb rubbing across my trembling knuckles, as she attempted to soothe the raw emotions making my hands shake.
‘Because if I do, it will bring it all back,’ I said.
How could I have believed that seeing Renzo again, that falling in love with him, wouldn’t make that part of our past real again too?
‘And I don’t know how he will react,’ I managed, scared now at the thought of how much power he had over me already. ‘I thought I’d got over it.’ The words rushed out of me like a flood. ‘That it didn’t matter. But it does. And now it’s too late to tell him. I should have told him sooner. He loves an illusion. He loves the woman he met that night. But I’m not her anymore.’
‘Shh, shh, Jessie, you’re panicking,’ Belle said. Then she pulled me into her arms and held me tight, as the guests around us began to stare. ‘You don’t know how he will react until you tell him,’ she whispered in my ear. ‘By the way, he’s heading over here because he can see you’re distressed,’ she added. ‘Surely that has to be a good sign.’
I pulled out of her arms, to see Renzo striding towards us.
The panic consumed me. I couldn’t tell him, not here, not like this. Maybe not ever, because then I would be totally exposed.
‘I have to go,’ I said to Belle, and before she could say more, I turned and rushed towards the exit. The soft glimmer of the torchlight blinded me and made the tears I couldn’t shed scald my eyes. As I pushed through the crowd of beautiful people, the subtle scent of expensive perfumes and colognes suffocated me.
I had to get away. I couldn’t stay here. I didn’t belong, any more than I belonged in Renzo’s life. And I could see now I never had. I thought we were both damaged, both equal, but I’d never been able to share my pain with him, and now I knew why. Because I was scared of becoming my mother still. Scared of needing him too much. Scared of the power he would have to hurt me if I allowed myself to trust him. To love him. All the way.
Renzo
I watched Jessie dash through the crowd, the sick feeling in my stomach starting to churn.
Something was wrong. But what?
Once I finally reached Belle, I glared at her. Had she said something to upset Jessie? But I could see she looked shell-shocked too.
‘What’s going on?’ I demanded, unable to keep the accusation out of my voice. I’d known ever since we’d arrived at the ball Jessie was nervous—I had convinced myself it had to be because she wasn’t used to these kind of expensive, superficial society events, which were all pomp and circumstance, but had no real value.
I’d been determined to put her at her ease, which was why I had forced myself to leave her with her cousin—because my presence only seemed to be putting her more on edge. But even so, I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off her. And when I’d seen Belle pull her into a hug, her body language so stiff and shaky, my uneasiness had gone into overdrive.
‘What were you talking about?’ I asked, struggling to control my panic now, and the sick feeling in my gut. ‘And where is she going?’ I demanded, the thought that she might be leaving me something I refused to even contemplate, but something that had taken ahold of me as I’d followed her frantic dash through the crowd.
‘Stop talking to my wife in that tone of voice.’
I turned to see Galanti bearing down on me with a furious frown on his face. Before I had a chance to tell him to go to hell though, Belle intervened.
‘It’s okay, Alexi,’ she said, her voice calming, before she grasped my arm.
The look on her face—concerned, worried and full of compassion—made the panic become turbocharged. And a thousand recriminations fired through my mind.
Why had I brought Jessie here? Why had I insisted on coming to this ball? Why hadn’t I demanded an answer from her earlier? Why hadn’t I told her properly I loved her?
I clenched my fists, but even as I struggled to control my panic, I felt broken inside, the way I had when she had first walked back into my life... The way I had felt, in truth, long before the crash. The way I had felt as a boy, when I couldn’t protect my mother. And the way I had felt every night in the past weeks when I had woken from those horrendous nightmares, shaky, terrified, alone, and Jessie had not been by my side.
‘Renzo, you need to go after her,’ Belle said, her voice gentle but forceful. ‘There’s something she needs to tell you...’
The comment was cryptic enough to be maddening, but I could see from the sheen in Belle’s eyes she was being loyal to her cousin. Whatever this was, it was not her secret to tell.
I swore and charged after Jessie, but as I shoved through the throng of guests—people I had once been so determined to impress, but who I cared nothing about anymore—my leg began to ache, while the panic wrapped around my chest and threatened to crack my ribs.
