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Shampooed hair, clean teeth, and comfortable clothes will all work miracles in making me feel more like myself. In a few days, it’ll be as if nothing ever happened.
I can do this.
I can be happy again.
It’s been a few days and it’s not as if nothing ever happened.
Was I really delusional enough to think that would work? That I could surround myself with the people I love and everything would all magically go back to normal?
It’s not normal.
Terror, deep-seated and nagging, digs its claws in, especially at night. I’ve woken in a panic, screaming so loud one night it actually dragged Dad out of bed to check on me, much to my embarrassment. I can see how they all look at me, pity in their stares.
You’re home now.
You’re supposed to be happy.
Even Raegan and Ryder watch me warily, treating me like I’m made of glass that might break. It’s too much. I hate being inspected so closely, especially when I’m barely keeping my shit together.
Kristen, probably the only person who truly understands what I’m going through, respectfully gives me my space. I’m not sure where she is or what she’s doing, but I’m glad she doesn’t need me. I just hope she keeps our trauma bond to herself.
This morning, I lie with my back against the wall in Ryder’s cabin, curled against Ryder’s side. Watching him, before the sun fully rises and the usual family chaos ensues, is my favorite part of the day. I can stare at his handsome features without guilt or shame. It’s not like he’d judge me, because he wouldn’t, but I still don’t like him looking too deeply inside me for fear of what he might find.
A weak man.
A man who couldn’t protect his siblings or himself.
A man who was raped and wasn’t able to do a damn thing to stop it.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I attempt to force away the negative thoughts that are never-ending. Resentment settles in my gut.
I just want to be fucking normal.
My siblings made it through without all this inner turmoil. Raegan and my little brothers are fine. They went through the same experience of being kidnapped and abused but are all back to their normal selves. Even Kristen is somehow managing to deal with it much better than I am. It’s just me who appears to have all the issues.
And Destiny.
Okay, so maybe I’m not completely alone. She hasn’t said a word to anyone, which worries my parents. I wonder if her mind is as messy as mine is. I’d almost feel okay talking to her about it, since she clearly understands, but she won’t speak, so it’s pointless.
The cabin door creaks open.
Panic seizes me. I dig my fingers into Ryder’s arm as terror paralyzes every muscle in my body.
He’s here.
He’s found me.
I won’t be able to fight him off. The next time he rapes me, he’ll kill me.
A low, terrified moan rattles out of my throat. Ryder tenses as if ready to head into battle. Rather than attack Logan, he sighs in relief.
What?
“Mom will be mad you left their cabin, Rae,” Ryder says to Logan. But it’s not Logan. It’s Raegan. “Come on.” Then he looks over his shoulder at me and clutches my hip with his hand. “Go back to sleep, Ro, you’re safe.”
Ryder pats the bed beside him, gesturing for Raegan to join him, as I try to make sense of my surroundings. Raegan, dressed in one of Ryder’s long shirts, tiptoes over to the bed. Ryder lifts the covers for her to slide in next to him. They start whispering and softly giggle. Meanwhile, I’m still dying from a panic attack. I close my eyes, willing it to go the fuck away.
“Kota kicks too much,” Raegan complains. “I don’t know why I have to share the couch with him.”
