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Ryder yanks the covers away so that he can also get beneath them. His body is still cold from outside, but I find myself curling toward him anyway, needing his scent and touch. He places a hand on my hip. Such a simple gesture but means so much to me.
“It matters to me,” he murmurs. “I can’t help you unless I know.”
I swallow hard, blinking back the urge to cry. “Ryder…”
He cups my cheek and meets my gaze. I shudder under his touch as his thumb rubs along my stubbly cheek. God, I’ve missed him. It takes everything in me not to lean forward and kiss his perfect mouth.
“I know it was bad. I know it hurt you in ways I’ll never understand. I know…” He trails off, chewing on his bottom lip. “Iknow, but I need you to trust me enough to tell me.”
He knows.
It’s obvious, but hearing that he knows makes my stomach roil.
“I didn’t want it,” I rasp out. “Even though I liked him once. Even though I’m gay…or whatever I am.”
He leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. It feels like a reward for speaking my truth. I ache to let it all out, eager for more of his kisses. More of his rewards.
“I’d been forced to put my mouth on him, but it wasn’t horrible. I could handle that. The beatings were far worse. But the night me and Raegan…you know,” I whisper, unable to meet his eyes. “He came to me after.” Hot tears blur my vision and then spill out before I can stop them. “He stripped me down, Ry, and put his dick inside my ass. It was dry.”
Ryder winces and swipes away my tears with his thumb.
“It hurt,” I say, barely audible. “I’d bled. It was horrible. And it wasn’t just that one time. The second time was more than a smear of blood. He fucking tore me up inside. I was ashamed and disgusted, but mostly worried about the irreparable damage he might’ve done.”
His lips find mine again, gently pressing kisses on my mouth like he can soothe the sting my words left on them. “I’m so sorry, Ro. So fucking sorry.”
“It took weeks to feel right,” I admit through my tears. “I was afraid to shit. He fucked me up that badly.”
Ryder pulls me to him in a tight embrace. With my face buried against his neck, I finally release all the emotions whipping around inside me. The sob that escapes is ragged and pained. He holds me, rubbing my back while whispering assurances.
He loves me.
He thinks I’m brave.
He says I’m perfect.
His kind words are a balm to my bleeding heart. I mentally gobble each and every one of them up, allowing myself to be held together by my brother. He doesn’t care that I’m broken—a messy, sharp fragment of my former self. He loves me anyway.
As my tears dry up, a hunger settles deep in my soul. I need Ryder to understand how even when Logan had the wool pulled over my eyes, it was always him. Ryder was my first real crush. My true love I was never allowed to have. I tilt my head up to find his lips. Our kiss is gentle at first and then I’m desperate to taste every inch of his mouth. Based on his own groans and roaming hands, he’s just as eager.
I missed him.
This.
Us.
“Too many clothes on,” I complain between kisses. “I need to fucking feel you.”
Ryder smiles against my lips and starts tugging at his jeans. We break from our kiss long enough for him to shuck out of his jeans and shirt. With both of us in just our boxers, we’ll be able to feel every inch of each other.
I roll on top of him, grinding my dick against his through our underwear. He makes a sharp gasp of pleasure, his fingers bruising my shoulders. Grabbing onto his hair like I’ve been craving to do, I pull his head back so I can attack his neck with my mouth. He bucks his hips, moaning when I suck on the flesh near his ear.
“Fuck,” Ryder murmurs. “You feel so good. I need to…”
Pulling back from him, I stare at his blown pupils and parted lips. He’s so goddamn gorgeous. I rut against him, both of us hissing in pleasure as our dicks happily play together.
“More,” Ryder grunts. “I need to fuck you.”
His words douse the heat burning through me with an icy bucket of reality. I can’t be with Ryder the way I want to because Logan ruined me. I’ll never be able to let a man be inside me like that. Not only do I think my body wouldn’t be able to take it, but I think my mind might break.
