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"Conner did once," I mutter as Mason races up to the Jeep and throws the door open. "But that's because I was stupid."
"You weren't stupid," he says as we head down the sidewalk for the driveway. Even though it's nearing the end of September, blossoming crimson and violet flowers border the pathway, making the yard beautiful. I wish it could look that way forever, but I know that the petals will eventually wilt and fade as the seasons change, and life will change with it. "You just wanted to get out. We both wanted that."
Jax is right. Dreamer or not, a part of me was searching for freedom from The Subs when I first went out with Conner. I'm not looking for that in Tristan, though. I'm honestly not even sure what I'm looking for in him other than to help him. And I really enjoy spending time with him.
Whether that's wrong or right, only the stars really know. And I'm not about to die to find out the answers, so I guess I'm left to discover it on my own.
***
Philman's is a grocery store in the same town where the Habitat for Humanity house is being built. They have the best cakes that have ever existed in the whole wide world.
Forty-five minutes later, we're wandering up and down the aisles of the store. My cake was supposed to be ready by noon, but the baker is running behind schedule, so we gather some stuff for my birthday dinner while we wait.
"I want kabobs with my corn," I announce when I spot a bag of skewers on a shelf. "With potatoes and chicken and tomatoes on it."
"You're super demanding," Jax tells me then shoots a grin in my direction, letting me know he's teasing. He chucks a bag of skewers into the cart. "Kabobs it is."
Mason and I high five then Jax steers the cart toward the vegetable section so we can get my vegetable requests. That particular section of the store is right by the deli, which really doesn't matter except for today. Because today, there are people standing at that deli.
At first, I think I'm imagining them, but when I realize I'm not, I feel stupid for thinking I could come to this town without running into Nova, Quinton, and Tristan.
"Shit," I curse under my breath as I duck behind the cart of tomatoes like a coward.
Jax gapes down at me like I've lost my mind. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks with a tomato in his hand.
"Hiding," I hiss, gripping onto the edge of the tomato cart
"I know that." His gaze scans the store while Mason messes around with a basket of tomatoes beside my head. "But from who?"
"People."
"Avery."
"Ugh." I lift my hand without standing up and point toward where I'm pretty sure the deli is. "Tristan is over there."
"And?" he asks in confusion while examining the tomato he's holding, acting like this isn't a big deal.
But it is. A super huge deal. Because I'm here with my family that none of them know about.
"I don't want to see him after last night," I lie, feeling like an ass.
"Why not?"
"Because it's embarrassing."
"Yeah, for Conner, not you." He reaches down with his free hand and pulls me to my feet. "You don't need to hide, Avery. You did nothing wrong." When I open my mouth to protest, he adds, "You have to listen to me. I'm super wise."
"Says the man fondling the tomato," I retort, refusing to look over at the deli. Maybe, just maybe, they'll walk away without noticing me.
He shakes his head as he grabs a plastic bag to put the tomato in. "You're supposed to do this to see if they're ripe." He sniffs the tomato and then drops it into the bag.
Mason mimics Jax, leaning in to smell a tomato, and then he chucks it into the bag. "I think Jax is right," he says. "It does smell ripe."
Jax smirks at me. "See, I'm right."
"You two are such dorks." I select a large tomato and sniff it. "All I smell is dirt."
Jax opens his mouth to say something, and by the humor in his expression, I bet it's another snotty remark, but something I knew was coming interrupts him.
"Avery, what are you doing here?" Nova asks as she winds around the lettuce section toward us. She's alone, which is good. Maybe, if I'm lucky, Quinton and Tristan won't come over.
Says the stupid dreamer side of me.
I seriously think about chucking the tomato at her and running out of the store. Instead, I put the tomato in the bag and plaster on my best smile. "Shopping for food," I tell her casually as I pretend to have a deep fascination with the cucumbers to the right of me.
"It's her birthday," Jax chimes in as Nova reaches us. She has a deli bag in her hand, and the air suddenly smells like chicken. "We're just killing time until her cake is done."
"Oh, right. I forgot it was your birthday," Nova says cheerfully. "Happy birthday, Avery."
"Thanks." I pick up a cucumber and turn it in my hand. I feel like a liar and don't like myself very much at the moment, but I can't bring myself to explain who Jax and Mason are.
Jax has other ideas, though. "Avery"--he clears his throat--"maybe you should introduce us."
I grip the cucumber before tossing it into the basket, and then I face Nova. "This is..." I trail off when I spot Quinton and Tristan walking in our direction. Their eyes are on me in all my birthday tiara glory. I consider removing the crown from my head, but then I'd be pretending to be someone I'm not, and I've already done a lot of that lately.
I hold my breath as I wait for them to reach us, noting how pissed off Tristan looks. Albeit, he still looks sexy. He's wearing a pinstriped shirt over a fitted T-shirt, loose jeans, his face is freshly shaven, and his hair styled in a messily perfect way. My thoughts drift to how amazing it would feel to rip off his shirt and sketch the lines of his carved muscles and colorful ink... lick his abs... kiss his flesh... then his lips... his jaw while my hand slips down to his...
I blink out of my lust-induced dazed. What, oh what, have I gotten myself into?
Quinton is saying something to Tristan in a low tone as they veer around the carts of vegetables, but Tristan isn't looking at Quinton, only me.
He looks so mad.
"Hey, look who I found," Nova says to them when they arrive in front of us. They have deli bags in their hands, too, so I'm guessing they came here for lunch. "Avery is here, picking up her birthday cake."
"Oh, yeah, happy birthday." Quinton tensely massages the back of his neck.
Something is off.
"Yeah." I adjust the crown on my head, unable to bring myself to glance in Tristan's direction and endure his withering death stare that I can feel burning into the side of my head. "Happy twenty-three to me."
Nova's smile is strained. She glances at the tiara on my head before her eyes land on Jax and her brows furrow.
Jax jabs me in the side with his elbow. "Avery, you should probably tell them who I am," he whispers with another prod to my side.
"Oh. Yeah. Right." I shake my head to clear my head. Then I gesture at Jax. "Everyone, this is my brother, Jax."
The sound of breaths easing from everyone's lips is painfully deafening. It takes a second and the sight of relief washing over Tristan's face for me to realize what's going on and why everyone seemed so uneasy just moments ago.
"Wait a minute," I say with an off-pitch laugh. "Did you guys think he was my boyfriend or something?"
Nova nervously laughs. "No way." But then she sighs. "Well, kind of. It's just that you two were standing here, buying food, and I don't know, we kind of jumped to conclusions. We're really sorry."
"No worries." I wave her apology off because it wasn't her fault, but mine, for keeping my family a secret from them. Then I realize I have one more introduction to make--one that will be a lot harder than Jax.
Before I can get to it, though, Tristan sticks out his hand to Jax. "It's nice to meet you, man. I'm Tristan."
Jax's brows elevate. "Aw, Tristan. Yeah, I've heard a lot about you."
I stomp on Jax's foot then smile maliciously when he winces. "Don't be an asshole."
"Hey, I'm only being one to you," Jax states, moving
the cart out of the way as a woman tries to squeeze by us. "Chill out, Avery."
He's right. I do need to chill out. While Nova and Quinton introduce themselves, I look down at Mason who has knocked about ten tomatoes on the floor as he struggles to grab some from the top of the cart. I'm not even worried about myself in this situation, but him. It's always about him. Bringing new people into our life is something I haven't really done before, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet and if he is. I've had my rules for a reason along with the walls I've put up--to keep out the world and keep my family safe. But now the walls are starting to crack, and I don't even know how it happened.
Nova must notice I'm looking at Mason because she leans down in his direction. "And who's this handsome guy?"
Mason smiles up at her with a tomato in his hand. "You're pretty."
"Smooth, kiddo, real smooth," Jax says approvingly while I shake my head.
"I'm Mason." He sticks out his hand to Nova, apparently more ready to meet the people in my life than I am.
"Well, hi, Mason. I'm Nova." She shakes his hand, glancing in my direction, waiting for me to explain who Mason is.
"That's a cool name." Mason's grin grows bigger on his little face, then he races up to me, jumps into my arms, and I hold him close. "Mommy, can she come to your birthday party?"
I don't look at any of them, ashamed that I haven't mentioned Mason or Jax before. Ashamed because, while part of me was trying to protect my family, there was a tiny part of me that was doing it for selfish reasons.
"I'm not sure, sweetie," I say, giving Mason the fakest grin I ever have. "She might be busy."
"I'm not--none of us are really." Nova smiles at me while casting a glance in Tristan's direction. "In fact, we're kind of super bored right now and were looking for something to do besides wander around town, filming buildings and locals."
"You guys should totally come over, then," Jax intervenes. "We're having kabobs per the birthday girl's request."
"We're down if you're okay with it, Avery," Quinton says with a discreet glance at Tristan.
I finally dare to look over at Tristan. His expression is neutral, but I can tell he's confused by the little boy I'm holding in my arms. Confused that him and I have chatted about a lot of things for weeks now, yet I never mentioned I had a son. I don't blame him for being confused. In fact, he can be angry at me. I'll understand. I just hope he doesn't stay mad at me forever.
Understanding right then and there that Tristan is important enough that I don't want him out of my life just yet, I return my attention to Nova and do something I never thought I'd do.
"The more the merrier," I tell her. "You guys should totally come over."
And just like that, my wall crumbles and collapses.
Chapter 30
Maybe I can sweat it out.
Tristan
She has a son. She's had a son this entire time. She's had a son this entire time and never said anything to me.
"I'm sure she had her reasons for not telling you," Nova says as if she's read my silence.
We're in the car with the windows rolled down, the salty, muggy air filling up the cab as we drive back to the motel. In a couple of hours, we're supposed to head over to Avery's, and quite honestly, I'm terrified. Because she has a son.
The morning had already started out iffy when I'd tried to call my dad to talk to him about the Dylan thing, and he sent me to voicemail after two rings. I'll admit it, I was hurt. Then I saw Avery at the store with a guy I thought was her boyfriend or something. Then I learned it was her brother, and that she has a son.
Holy shit. I have no clue what to do with this information.
"Honestly, I'm not really surprised," Nova continues on as she flips the visor down to block the glare of the sun. "I mean, that she has a kid."
"How the hell aren't you surprised?" I gape at her from the backseat, flabbergasted. "She's had a kid this entire time and never said anything about it."
"Yeah, but there had to be a reason why we built that house for her," she says, cranking down the volume of the stereo. "And there were a few times I wondered if maybe it's because she has her own family."
"Well, she should have said something." I slump back against the hot leather seat and cross my arms. "I told her a lot of personal shit... and it makes me feel..."
"What?" Nova presses. "Because I'm dying to know what's going on with you two."
"I don't know what I feel." Which is kind of the truth. I feel so many things it's difficult to decipher them all. Confusion. Hurt. Upset. Angry. Worthless, as if I wasn't good enough for Avery to trust me with her private life. Then again, ex-druggie doesn't really scream trust worthy.
Always the same.
Never going anywhere.
I wish I could be different.
Better.
I thought I was.
"I don't necessarily agree with you two." Quinton is the one to speak this time, and it's a strangely rare occurrence, so it throws Nova and I off. Both our heads whip in his direction and he shrugs. "I mean, there's just some things you can't tell people sometimes, at least not in the beginning. And I'm sure Avery was just trying to protect her son until she got to know you enough to trust you. So you should be glad she invited you over today because it probably means she trusts you."
Nova and I exchange a baffled glance in the rearview mirror.
"That's very insightful," she tells Quinton while tapping the brakes as she flips on the blinker to turn off the highway and into the motel parking lot. "If I didn't know any better, I'd guess you had a son."
Quinton shakes his head as he gazes out the side window at the trees and shrubbery bordering the road. "No, but back in the day, I was close with one of my aunts who was a single parent. She would always talk about how she'd never let the guys in her life know about her kid because she was worried they'd turn out bad or the relationship would end ugly and her daughter's heart would get broken."
It grows quiet as I let his words of wisdom sink in. He's probably right. I have no right to be upset with Avery over this. But it's still a lot to take in, confusing, mind-boggling. I'm not sure if I'm even good with kids or if I want to be, never really thought much about it. So what does that mean? That I should walk away?
But I don't want to walk away.
I want her.
More than I've wanted anyone before.
I can't give her up.
Give up what she's given me.
"You know, I think that's the most sentences you've ever said in a row," I tell Quinton. Nova chokes on a laugh as she aligns the car with the front of our room and shuts off the engine.
"Ha, ha, you two fuckers are a riot," he says, but he's grinning as he hops out of the car.
Nova removes the keys from the ignition and opens the door. "You are going to go to her little party thing, right? Because I think I might not like you very much if you blow her off because she has a kid."
"Wow, way to put it out there just how important I am to you." I reach around the side of the seat to lift the lever.
"You are important," Nova promises, meeting my gaze from over the roof of the car as she gets out. "But you're important because you're a nice guy, and if you blow off Avery because she's a mom, then you're not a nice guy anymore." She shuts the door then starts around the car, swinging the grocery bag in her hand. "I'm not saying you have to date her or be her boyfriend. If you're not up for the whole kid thing, then you're not, but don't just leave her hanging. And you can still be her friend. It's what she wanted anyway, right?" With those final substantial words, she goes inside with Quinton, leaving me standing in the blaring heat by myself.
The land encompassing the motel is bare, the neighbors nowhere to be seen, but the door five spaces down from ours is a painful reminder of how unready I am for all of this, especially when the curtain draws back and Zedd peeks out the window. His eyes find me, and he crookedly grins as he draws a line across his neck with his finger.
; Shaking my head, I inch closer to the door where I don't have to look at him. I feel disappointed; not only in myself, but because of who I am. I wish I could be a better person, one who doesn't have to stand around and question this--question what kind of person they are. One who doesn't have a twisted past that still haunts him. If I was that kind of person, I wouldn't be here. I'd be at Avery's, talking, listening to her life, joking around with her, all of my favorite things.
"How can I do this when I can't even take care of myself without someone helping me?" I mutter, turning to go inside.
When I enter the room, Nova and Quinton are laying out the food we bought at the deli. The room smells like barbeque sauce and cigarettes.
"Feeling better?" Nova asks as she sets three paper plates onto the table.
"No." I unzip my duffel bag to get my running clothes out.
She opens a box of chicken and steam swirls out into the air. "Well, what can I do to help?"
