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"Ignorance doesn't make my behavior any better. It doesn't excuse it."
"You never saw her face, Raf. You told me yourself that the only times you were physical with her were in your cell, in thedark,while your eyes were swollen."
My fists clench under the table at the thought of those encounters. She would visit me sometimes, but only at night, when my cell was shrouded in darkness. And the first time she'd done that… It had also been the first time she'd kissed me—a sweet, sweet kiss that even now haunts me.
"Her voice was different, too," Carlos continues, and inadvertently he touches the subject I'm most sore about.
"And who's guilty for that?" I give a dry laugh, my features contorting in pain. "You were there, Carlos. You know I did that with my own hands. I… I fucking crushed her windpipe and she still doesn't know about it. She doesn't knowIam the reason she hates her voice…" I trail off, almost choking on my words.
Carlos is silent for a moment.
"Tell her," he finally says. "The longer you hide it, the harder it will be to tell her. And I don't think she'll like it if she remembers it first."
"You're right," I close my eyes on a sigh. "It's just… It might change everything."
"Or it might not. If she forgave you for how you treated her when you hated her, then she'll forgive you for this too. Let's face it, you did much worse."
He's right.
I did do much worse. And for as long as I will leave I don't think I'll stop making up for my mistakes.
For the dark room. For my ugly words. For my hands around her throat…
"You're right," I admit. "I'll consider it."Andtry to find the right moment to tell her. It's not something you sprung up on someone suddenly.
Hey, by the way, I want you to know it's my fault your voice changed because I wanted to kill you. And I almost succeeded, too.
Damn it!
"Enough about me. Tell me about everyone else and if you need any help."
Carlos proceeds to give me an account of the time I've been away, and before I leave we plan my next drug appointment, which happens to be in a couple of days.
Always the good friend, he offers to come to our place to administer the drugs and help Noelle understand how the situation works and to be careful with me in case I get too aggressive.
To my great surprise, when the appointment comes, it goes without a hitch.
Noelle spends the entire night by my side, and though I don't remember most of it, as usual, there's a calmness that wasn't there before when I wake up.
I'm no longer tired, agitated or simply hopeless.
"See, I told you it's not as bad as you made it seem," she winks the following day at breakfast.
With that hurdle out of the way, I can finally focus on organizing our next date—the one she'd demanded.
The club date—themostdreaded date.
Just thinking of all the men leering at my pretty girl has me almost feral. But I'd promised myself I would try—for her sake.
For it to work, though, I have to make some arrangements that would leave my claim on her unquestionable.
And so I start devising, going out into town to a specific shop to pick up some items I'm certain she's going to be interested in exploring.
For how sheltered Noelle's always been, she's nothing but adventurous in bed. There are those hot as fuck times whenshetakes the initiative, but there are also those moments when she suggests we try something new that she'd read or seen on the internet.
We'd had various conversations on the topic and we'd discussed our likes and dislikes as well as our boundaries and what we'd like to try in the future. I'd told her I'm open to anything, but that I draw the line at involving someone else. We can do anything, no matter how crazy, as long as it'sjustthe two of us.
"You're being so silly," she'd laughed at me. "Do you really think I wouldeverwant someone else?Anyoneelse?" She'd arched a brow, and I'd go as far as to say she'd looked mildly offended I had said that.
