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My heart beats in my chest, the sound deafening in my ears.
"I tried to kill you," he confesses. "I've thought of a thousand ways to tell you this, and I still couldn't find the right one, or the right moment, or if there was ever a moment at all. I just know that… I can't hold this inside of me anymore. I can't fucking live while knowing I tried to kill the only woman I've ever loved. And I can't keep pretending everything is ok when you don't even remember," he gives a dry laugh.
"Raf," I turn, my hand on his back as I will him to turn.
He does, his eyes misted with unshed tears.
"At the time, I thought you were the enemy. I thought you'd harmed Lucero," he lets out a pained groan. "Otherwise I would have never…"
"I don't care," I tell him, coming closer and cupping his cheeks. "What happened before… Can we let it go? Can we move on and let it go?"
"Did you not hear me? I tried to kill you. I almost succeeded. It's my fucking fault your voice is different, Noelle. Because I…" a broken sound escapes him before sobs permeate the air. "I crushed your windpipe. I tried to strangle you and I…"
"Shh," I take him in my arms, hugging him to my chest. "It's not your fault."
It's mine.
Everything ismyfault.
But I don't say that.
Instead, I simply continue with my lie.
"I don't remember and I may never do, so please stop feeling guilty. Just the fact that you told me knowing I may never remember…that speaks volumes of your character Raf. If anything, I love you even more for it."
"But your voice," he croaks.
"It'syourvoice now. Just like everything that I am, everything that I'll ever be. It's yours. Always yours," I murmur as I brush some unruly locks from his forehead before bringing my lips to his wet skin, tasting his tears and feeling my own stab at my eyes.
"Pretty girl…"
"I forgive you," I give him the words, knowing they are the only ones that could set him free. "But please, forgive yourself, too."
Suddenly, it makes sense why he'd close up at times, why he'd think I'd hate him for things I don't remember. All this time, he'd worried about that one night.
"I don't know if I can," he whispers, his clear blue eyes meeting mine and making my heart weep with pain.
"You can, and you will," I say amid kisses.
I just pray you'll be able to forgive me too when my turn comes.
TWENTY-THREE
NOELLE
I wake up tired,thirsty and hurting all over. Stretching in bed, my hand immediately goes to my lower stomach and the ghost of a pain emanating from there, made worse by last night's memories.
Damn it!
I behaved like a cat in heat, rubbing myself all over Raf and blurting the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.
Pulling my pillow over my head, I groan out loud as the memories return, everything that happened at the party but also after, with Raf's confession and the way he'd held me tightly through the night, apologizing all over again.
The door to the bedroom opens, and my dear husband strides in. I lower the pillow just enough to see his sweaty torso and damp hair as he wipes himself with a towel. He must have been to the gym downstairs, and as he heads straight for the bathroom, I don't think he noticed I'm awake.
God, I don't know how to face him this morning. Certainly not with even more lies between us.
I remember that day so clearly, the way he'd looked so out of control as he'd wrapped his hand around my throat, shouting at me to die. At that point, I'd been resigned to my fate. But there had been more. And the events that had followed had put me in a mental institution for months to come, crazed with grief and a lack of will to live.
