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And I let her. I don't put any type of fight as she takes the gun away from me, disassembling it and throwing the pieces to the ground.
Too wrapped out in my own head, I don't put any type of struggle as she comes towards me, ready to receive whatever she has in store for me.
For too long I've tried to push that guilt down. To hide behind a smile and pretend everything was ok even as I knew it wasn't—even as I remembered the past and everything that had happened.
All this time, I've tried to pretend Mali had never existed. Somehow that's an even bigger offense. Because he did exist.
Once upon a time, he'd had my heart.
Until…
THIRTY
NOELLE
A sob permeates the air,and I belatedly recognize it's coming from me. Just as I realize that Yuyu doesn't mean any harm. Not as she wraps her arms around me, holding me tight to her chest.
"It's ok," she whispers. "It's ok to cry, and it's ok to suffer, Noelle. It's ok to let yourself feel."
"He's dead," I break down. "He's dead and it's all my fault, Yuyu. If Raf finds out what I've done…" As that thought arises, I can no longer control myself as I burst into tears, letting everything come to the surface—everything I've tried to keep below the surface.
I don't know how much time passes. Her arms are still wrapped around me as she tries her best to soothe me.
"Why," I lift my head, watching her through damp lashes. "Why are you so nice to me?"
Though we'd been close throughout my childhood, everything had changed once I'd refused to marry Sergio and Cisco and Yuyu had vehemently insisted. From my closest allies, they turned into my sworn enemies. And yet…
"Because I can relate to what you're going through. And because Cisco and I are not blameless in this entire thing, no matter how much we'd like to think so," she adds gently, her hand on my hair as she caresses me lightly.
"Come," she takes my hand, leading me to the couch at the end of the room.
"Why this elaborate scheme to catch me here?" I ask once I get my sobs under control. My breathing is still harsh, my body trembling with residual emotion.
"Because your brother knew you would never listen otherwise."
"But why would he…"
"He's worried about you. Ever since he realized you got your memories back, he's been worried about you. But you don't make it easy, do you?" she gives me a sad smile. "You don't have to be strong all the time, Noelle. It's ok to be vulnerable."
I shake my head.
Those moments of vulnerability are what had killed me on the inside—what had triggeredeverything.
"It's ok tofeel," she taps my hand lightly, using physical touch as some kind of tether to keep me with her—to keep mevulnerable.
Realizing the ploy, I break away, snatching my hand from her.
And as coldness seeps into my eyes, so does the realization of what Cisco had tried to do.
Knowing me as he does, he must have realized I'd need him for information on Ortega but would likely never ask for it. So he'd constructed the perfect bait. All so he could dangle in front of me the only thing that has the power to shake me—the past. He'd intuited that I'd be too curious—tooweak—not to look at what was right in front of me, thus opening myself up to a world of hurt.
And it was all in an effort to get me to see the error of my ways, I'm sure. He wants me to recognize I need help—that I'm broken. Because Cisco, being Cisco, can't see beyondhisperception of what is right.
He'd been the same in the past. But back then I'd looked up to him. I'd seen him as my role model and took his advice to heart. I'd worshiped the man until he'd taken from me what I most prized.
Now he wants to prove to me that the past can't stay buried, doesn't he? Well, he's going to have quite the surprise.
Despite his perfectly executed plan and the fact that those imagesdidaffect me, there was one error in his calculations.
