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"I don't believe you. Why?"
"Fair enough, I wouldn't believe myself either, all things considered," I nod appreciatively. "But I'm not entirely heartless. Not likeyou," I smile at his scowl. "You took him from me once, but you gave him back to me, too. And that's enough for me."
His cigarette in his mouth, he continues to study me with those shrewd eyes of his.
Too bad his brand of intimidation doesn't work. Not anymore.
"So that's it? You won't do anything? No revenge? Nothing?"
He almost sounds…disappointed?
"Those days are behind me now," I wave my hand dismissively. "I've turned over a new leaf if you haven't been able to tell," I chuckle. "The past is long gone. Everyone is dead. And so isthatNoelle."
It seems there were some perks to my amnesia and the fact that everyone thinks me a harmless fool—one that's always trying to rebel, but a fool, nonetheless. I'm not about to correct that assumption. Not when I finally have a second chance at life—atliving.
"Dead doesn't mean buried, Noelle," Cisco adds when I get up to leave. "Some thingsneverstay buried."
"This time they will," I assure him, turning my back to him.
"What about your baby?"
My steps falter, a barrage of images assailing me. I stop, my face scrunched up in horror, pain, and the smell of death.
"He's dead," I reply, my voice devoid of any emotion.
If there's one thing I don't want to think about, it's him.
Mali.
The little boy who never stood a chance in this world. The little soul unfortunate enough to have me for his mother.
If I gave in… If I let the despair overtake me… Then everything would be lost.
"He died a horrible death, Noelle. And I know yousawit. That's not something you get past easily…"
My eyes squeeze shut at the memory, disgust rolling in my stomach at everything that happened. But like everything else, I push it aside. I can't give in. I simply can't.
"I did see," I pivot, facing him and letting him see the blank canvas that is my face. "But like I said, he's dead. Nothing can bring him back, so why dwell on it?" I say carelessly, though just speaking about it re-opens that big chasm inside my heart—one that will never heal.
Lips pursed, he shakes his head at me.
"It's not normal," he mutters. "You rewrote your entire reality to cope. How is that normal?"
"It'smynormal. And who are you to question that? I know you did your best to keep me alive when I was sinking, and for that you'll have my eternal gratitude. Because if I had succumbed," I give a bitter laugh. "If I'd given in to my despair, then I would have never found him again."
"You should still speak with your therapist," he suggests, ever the control freak. "You tried to kill yourself three times, Noelle. Three fucking times," he grits out, rising from his chair and coming towards me. "You rewrote your entire past so you wouldn’t deal with that pain. Don't tell me that's remotely normal."
"Oh, but it is. You would have done the same if you thought everything was lost," I tell him, watching the way he pales at my words because he knows how true they are.
Cisco is right. We are extremely similar in one regard. We would do anything to protect those we love. And without them… Well, without them there's nothing left. It's as simple as that.
So he can lecture me all he wants because we both know that at the end of the day he would have done the same.
From the beginning there have only been two choices. Death or…forgetting.
And when death had failed me, the only other option had been wiping every memory related to Raf—every little piece of myself that brought me, step by step, to the point of no return. I can see it clearly now, how my brain had acted to protect me from my own damn self.
It had created an alternate reality for me. One in which I could live with myself. One in which I wasn't the bad guy. A reality in which I was finally worthy of my Raf.
