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But it doesn't work like that. Not when my brother's issue is a thing of the past. One that I've been grappling with all along but one that I can slowly put behind me.
The most glaring problem is the one in front of me.
The fact that I hurt her, too.
"This" I whisper, caressing her soft flesh with my thumb. "I caused this, Noelle. You asked me why everything is wrong. It's not just my past with Michele, or what happened in my childhood. It has everything to do with you and the fact that I hurtyou."
"Raf…" her eyes go wide.
"Every little bit of pain you suffered.Icaused it," I bring my fist to my chest, banging against my ribcage as my voice croaks with the intensity of my emotions.
"Oh my God, how can you believe that?" Her mouth parts in horror.
Water splashes around as she wraps her tiny hands around my fist, stopping me.
"How can you believe that, Raf?"
"I couldn't even answer the most important questions about you, Noelle," I admit the thing that's been eating at me the most.
How can I claim to love her so much but I don't know the deepest parts of her soul?
"Don't you dare go there, Rafaelo Guerra," her tone is unyielding, her gaze even more so. "Do you want the truth? It did hurt me. I was disappointed you couldn't get those questions right," she confirms my greatest fears.
"But then I realizedwhyyou got them wrong. It's not because you don't know me, because, technically, the answers you gave were not wrong. It's because you answered them still thinking I am a whole person—one that has independent dreams, thoughts, desires—when that's not the case anymore."
"Noelle…"
"No, let me. If I were a normal person, then yes, those answers would be the correct ones—the only ones. But I'm not. Because there's also you, my love, my other half, the only thing that can bring me any joy—but also the only thing that can take it away. So, you see, my greatest dreams, fears and insecurities all revolve around you."
I open my mouth to speak but no sound comes out. There's only her before me and her raspy voice handing me the keys to the entire universe.
"Without you, I have nothing. But with you, I have everything."
"Pretty girl," I barely let her finish the words as I snake my arm around her waist, bringing her into me. Her chest slides against mine, a small whimper echoing in my ear as she's fully fitted to my front.
My eyes mist with tears of joy, of pure fucking joy as I listen to the most beautiful confession I've ever heard.
"You're not the only one," I whisper in her hair, inhaling her scent and closing my eyes at the little piece of heaven I'm being offered. "I love you so damn much. So fucking much."
Her cheek against my cheek, the wetness of her tears seeps into my skin, touching my goddamn heart.
"If there's one thing you should never doubt, Raf, it's that I love you with all my being. With all that's good and messed up inside of me. Andnothingyou say or do could change the way I feel about you. Do you understand me?"
"That's not all of it," I whisper. "There's more. More I need to tell you…"
My hands around her throat.
My plans to have her committed.
Every fucking little thing I schemed before I knew her. And now it's all hanging over my head, promising to never let me be until it's all out in the open—until I can finally beg for her forgiveness.
She leans back, her moist eyes finding mine as she brings one finger to my lips.
"Shh. Let's not talk about this now. Not when all I want is to feel you, bask in you. Experience everything I couldn't before."
"But…"
She doesn't let me speak, slipping her finger between my lips just as she brings her mouth to my ear, her teeth nibbling softly at my flesh before whispering.
