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Unwittingly, my feet carry me to the piano room.
I take a seat on the bench, lightly running my fingers over the keys of the piano.
God… What the hell am I supposed to do?
I've been conflicted my entire life about who I wanted to be and who the world wanted me to be. Yet now, I find myself at the center of another battle—the one between whoIwant to be, and who Iamdeep down.
Three selves.
The me I desperately want to be.
The me everyone else wants me to be.
And…me. The real me. The one I've tried to deny all along.
Who do I choose?
All my life I'd witnessed injustices around me. Lies. Crimes.
My own family was morally bankrupt to the bone.
Despite that, I'd tried to build my own set of values. I'd tried to look to the future and hope I could build a different path for myself—one away from the life of crime my family had planned for me.
More than anything, I saw in my parents what I didn't want to be.
Yet here I am…my mind split in two as I ponder whether I can forgive the unforgivable.
And if I do… Who am I then?
I want you to lose everything that holds you back. I want you to shed your fears, your morality, your principles…
Noelle's words echo in my mind.
Am I being held back by my own self? By my fear and the fact that my childhood marred me forever?
Am I shackled by my own trauma? A self-imposed exile of the soul?
Maybe Noelle is right. Maybe only by shedding every learned aspect until only instinct remains will I be able to find myself—my true self. Only by admitting that there is more to me than the social constructs that shaped me will I be able to redefine myself—not in pure, straightforward terms, but in arcane, only known to me ones.
Maybe it's time to admit to myself that the world isn't black and white; or good or bad. There are far too many shades of gray to firmly position myself on the side of the light, or on the side of the darkness.
Due to my predilection for extremes, I've always immediately labeled things good if they were in the least bad, and vice versa. I've never wanted to ponder the implications of being a mix of good and bad, because that in turn would also make me…bad. And growing up being labeled thegoodguy made me intrinsically position myself as such until that was all I believed.
I was the good guy.
I wassupposedto be the good guy.
In the end, I've committed my fair share of mistakes that were not in the least good.
And while that doesn't make me a good guy, it doesn't make me a bad one either.
It just makes me…human.
With a sigh, I close my eyes as I realize that the only way to see this to the end and maybe have a chance at some future with Noelle is to let go of my damned moral superiority.
I need to embrace the less perfect sides of myself just as I need to open my eyes and accept the less perfect parts of Noelle.
That means hearing her out, looking at the context and considering every single factor.
