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Not far enough. You’re not here. I gulp. “No. No, I just need to go to bed. I’ve got a long day ahead tomorrow, and it’s late.”
We say goodnight and I hang up, and the thought of Autumn touching herself from our conversation haunts me. When I go to bed, the only thing on my mind is her, naked and writhing on the phone. Then her, naked and writhing in my bed. That is, until I remember the other part.
Tomorrow.
The fallout from hooking up with Autumn could be expensive, and our friendship is not a price I’m willing to pay. Did we go too far tonight? Maybe. Do I regret it? Not even a little.
12
Autumn
What the hell was that?
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, so wound up I thought I might burst. Rowan had never spoken so explicitly to me before. Had I cracked his code? Did our platonic dates fracture his hard exterior? If I hadn’t been turned on before, that did it.
Thunder rolls in the distance. I love a good summer storm, so on shaking knees, I walk to the window and fling it open. A screen prevents the mosquitos from becoming a nuisance in my bedroom as I lay down again. The air is steamy outside, wet with anticipation of something big.
So am I.
I laugh at myself again, knowing I’m torturing myself with thoughts of Rowan. It’s silly, really. We couldn’t possibly…but that last conversation. It took my breath away. The way he talked about going down on a woman, taking his time with her…I found myself moaning and squeezing my thighs together on the phone. I couldn’t help it.
It’s been way too long.
Rowan could deliver. I was sure of it. Even if we hadn’t had that salacious conversation, I knew of his reputation from a few friends in college. And then there was Stacy. She had been such a fun person and had no qualms about sharing details of their sex life.
But is meaningless sex even a possibility for us? We have a long history and, what if it changes everything? I’m not ready to lose him as a friend for a one night stand.
But he could always make me laugh. Even when we were shamelessly flirting, his sense of humor was his biggest selling point. If he could make me laugh, then there was something to it, right? The sex would not be meaningless. Not really. Because it would be between friends.
And that is the entire problem.
Should we risk our friendship for what could be a mind-melting night? I roll over and watch the rain and flashes of lightning as the storm crashes into Somerset. One storm outside, one storm inside.
The problem is, when I think about what I really want out of life, it’s not a one night stand. I want someone around. Someone to hold me in the night. A connection, chemistry. A partner. I want it all. Someone who could make me laugh and make me come. Is that too much to ask?
Rowan, with his high-powered job and two kids, might not have the time to devote to someone else. And I had to be realistic, or I’d get my heart stomped on again. Besides all of his time constraints, I have issues of my own. What if the real reason Mark cheated was because I bored him? And if that’s the case, then what’s saying Rowan wouldn’t do the same?
I shake my head of the thought. Rowan’s not a cheater. He’s a good man. But I can’t lose the feeling that I could lose him one way or another if we do this.
It feels like I’m a kid again, standing at the top of the tallest water slide. I’m looking down and seeing a combination of fun and sheer terror. Behind me is the safe ladder to climb down. All I have to do is choose.
Fun and terror, or safety? High risk, high reward—
Thunder booms outside, startling me.
I laugh nervously at myself. Had I been standing on that slide in my memory, the thunder would have scared me into sliding. Taking a breath, I climb out of bed and close the window to muffle the next thunderclap. But the rain catches my eye, and I watch, letting it soothe me.
When I was a kid, I slid down the tallest slides of the water park every time. I’d hesitated the first time, but after that, I went on it over and over again. I couldn’t get enough. After that, every park my parents took me to, I went to the biggest, fastest rides, loving every minute.
But first, I had to choose to make the leap.
I smile at myself and lay back down, falling asleep to the rhythm of the late summer rain and thinking of my childhood. It had been Rowan who egged me onto that first slide when I was too scared. AndIhad been the one who pushedhimdown the slide.
***
The next day, I can’t stop thinking about our conversation. His words make me ache for him. Just the thought of his deep voice getting all gravelly the longer he spoke about what he liked to do to a woman, I’m flushed and distracted. It’s like he’s inside my head—
“Autumn? You okay?” It’s Delia and we are in my office in the evening.
