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“The way I see it Av, there are a few ways out of this predicament,” she starts.
I nod, holding on to her words like a lifeline.
“You could have your Big O on your own, like most of us do when starting out,” she says, decisively. “But then you have to write about masturbation.Yourmasturbation.”
“Shhhh. Keep it down,” I beg.
“Or….” She says temptingly, “you could have your orgasm with another human. Male or female, you know I don’t judge.”
So nice of her.
“Personally, I have always opted for the dick. But if that’s not your thing—”
I hold my hands up. “I prefer a guy. I really do, Ava. At least for starters.”
She shrugs. “Fine. Now do you want to have your first O by yourself, or with a dude?”
Good question. Which was it Glenda preferred I write about? More importantly, what would our readers most respond to?
“You know,” Cami says dreamily while waiting for me to make up my mind, “I remember the first time I came. I was in high school at one of those parties where the parents are out of town. I went upstairs with Bobby Ledder, who wassogood-looking. Before I knew it, the earth felt like it was moving, and I was floating above it all. I didn’t even know what was happening—”
I hold my hands up again. “Okay, okay. I’ve heard this story before.”
Her gaze snaps back to me. “Oh, right. Sorry. It’s just that it was so freaking hot.”
I widen my eyes with expectation. “What about me?”
She vigorously nods. “Yeah. Right. Okay. This is what I propose…”
Why is she hesitating? She knows how desperate I am.
“We’ll place an anonymous ad on Craigslist for you.” Her smile is triumphant, like she’s solved all the world’s problems.
Not so fast. “Um, Cami. Are you fucking kidding?” I hiss.
She shrugs one shoulder, like she was deciding whether to order pizza or burgers for lunch. Just another day at the office. “It’s the only way, honey. Sorry.”
Placing an ad on Craigslist is the only way I can snag a dude to give me an orgasm? Is that how desperate my situation has gotten? I’ve sunk to the depths of a freaking Craigslist hook-up?
“I mean, you could do Tinder or something like that. But I think you have to pay to sign up. Unless you want to sign up. Ya know?”
I look in the direction of Danny’s office, through the windows that used to be his view, and feel all my hopes and dreams slither out of my pores, dispersing like droplets of a fragrance that eventually fade to nothing.
As if the dating scene in Manhattan is not already perilous enough, I’m now facing the prospect of hooking up with some stranger just to save my career. My sanity as well.
Then she hits me with her ultimate theory, embellished, of course, with her usual layer of magic. “You know, right, that the Big O always leads to falling in love. That’s how I landed Steve,” she says matter-of-factly.
Just like Cami, always infusing the mundane with her crazy theories.
But she has a point. Not about falling in love, but about Craigslist. It’s definitely a no-frills approach—the budget, third class express train to getting my O. Not pretty, luxurious, or memorable, but it will get the job done.
There’s no time for the comfort of a first-class experience, not at this moment.
She sees the contemplation in my eyes and leans closer. “Just be prepared. Your O-face will look like you either just sneezed or have really bad hiccups. But it will be the best damn sneeze of your life.”
She dodges the pen I throw at her. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend,” she points out.
Much as I’d like to dismiss this as another of her cockamamie ideas, I admit it holds merit. Besides, I have no other choice.
