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I kissed her forehead as we said goodbye, then left her to rest. It was always hard to leave. It felt like I was abandoning her, but the care she needed was more than I could provide.
Reese drifted close to me as we walked to the lobby. “Do her doctors have any updates?” I had told him about her diagnosis before we came.
I shook my head. “Just the usual.”
Grandma Jeanie had a brain tumor.
So far we had been lucky and it hadn’t caused any significant personality or mood changes, but it was getting worse. On bad days she wouldn’t be able to focus or understand where she was and why. The bad days were rare, but they were coming more frequently. It was the worst in the evening. No one had named dementia, but the sundowning was starting to become more regular. Her caretakers had advised me to only visit during the day.
I sighed. Technically, the tumor could have been treated with chemo, but it was so large that it would be a long and difficult process. And Jeanie had said no. She had decided that she wanted to enjoy the end of her life, whatever form it took, and that at her age and strength, the chemo wouldn’t be worth it. I had to respect her decision, no matter how hard it was.
Reese didn’t press, but he did slip his hand into mine. I nearly froze from the shock, but he just squeezed my hand. “Let’s get something to eat.”
***
“I never pegged you as a McDonald’s kind of guy,” I admitted, dipping a McNugget in honey mustard.
Reese chuckled. “Sometimes you just need shitty fast food.”
There was an ache that lingered every time I left Jeanie. I knew there was nothing I could do to make her better. I couldn’t go back in time to the days when she chased after me in the park or stayed up late watching scary movies with me. She had lived well, and I was better for knowing her. But even though I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything, it still hurt. It would always hurt.
I swirled my straw around in my Sprite. “It’s weird seeing her in that place. It feels wrong.”
“She seems content there, at least.”
“Yeah.” I sighed, releasing everything that had gotten caught in my chest. “But she deserves better.”
He was silent after that, but there was clearly something he wanted to say. “Reese?”
“Those bills you keep getting, they’re for Jeanie, aren’t they?”
My stomach started to twist. “I told you they’ve been taken care of.”
“But have they? Those places are expensive, and it just seems…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Do you need…help?”
Pressure started to build behind my eyes. He wasn’t supposed to know. Of all people, he was the one I wanted to hide this from.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “I have it all under control.”
“I’m just saying that you don’t need to struggle. I’m not exactly rolling in money, but I can help you. I want to help you.”
I felt the crack as my heart broke apart. He didn’t understand. He never would.
All my life I had been a burden. My father hadn’t wanted me. Neither had my mother. Jeanie loved me, I knew she did, but she hadn’t exactly planned on raising a baby in her 50s. And when I was ruined, with nothing to offer anyone, Reese had taken me in. He had offered me his home, and a place to work. He had let me stay, even when I couldn’t pay him rent or buy him nice things. He didn’t even want my body.
I loved him, but I could never be his equal. He had done more for me than I could ever repay, and I deserved none of it.
But this was too far. This was why I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want to become his charity case, but maybe it was too late.
“I don’t need your help.” The words burned as they came off my tongue, but I couldn’t force them back. “I can take care of her myself.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
I didn’t listen. The metal legs of my chair squeaked as I pushed it back against the linoleum. “I have to go,” I mumbled, unable to face him. I was acting like a child, but I couldn’t stop.
“Logan,” he called after me, but I left without looking back.
My chest was tight, the air struggling to reach my lungs. He had seen right through me. He would realize I had nothing to offer him, that I was a burden. He would get tired of me and throw me away. Everyone did, eventually.
