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A fresh wave of tears fell, which he wiped away with a soft smile, and in that moment she was so vividly reminded of the man who had held her on her couch in her apartment.
* * *
Matt eased the car out of the garage and into the road. He let his hand drift onto Hannah’s lap, keeping hold of the steering wheel with the other, his heart clenching when she threaded her fingers in his.
On the drive to the hospital he felt caught in some sort of time warp because it took far too long yet wasn’t quite long enough. When Hannah’s fingers left his, it felt wrong. The moment he scooped her out of the car, her hand was back in his. Whether Hannah realised it or not, this would be their first foray out into the world together, where they would be spotted. They needed to look like a couple.
But, even when they stepped into the sonographer’s office, he didn’t let go. He helped her onto the bed and sat beside her as the doctor started moving the probe over her swollen belly. Hannah’s hand squeezed his as images of the baby flashed on the screen in the darkened room. Never had he experienced anything like this. The doctor typed words onto the screen while explaining what they were seeing but it was all static to him.
There was the little human whom he’d helped create. And then they heard the heartbeat and he had never heard a more joyous sound. A tear escaped Hannah’s eye and he looked at her in wonder. He couldn’t help himself. He bent down and kissed her forehead, not sure what he was feeling. Was there even a name for this emotion?
Matt loved computers. They were easy to understand—uncomplicated. Code was logical. Technology was logical. But all that logic and simplicity seemed like a wasted life when he could feel like this.
‘Would you like to know if it’s a boy or girl?’ the doctor asked as she hit a few more buttons on the keyboard.
Matt and Hannah looked at each other. Smiles mirrored on each other’s faces. ‘Yes.’ Of course he wanted to know. He wanted to know everything. And this would be one thing, one massive thing, that he and Hannah would find out together.
The doctor moved the probe around and suddenly a profile became clear on the screen.
‘Congratulations, you’re having a boy.’ She smiled.
‘Told you so.’ Hannah laughed. Tears still sprang from her eyes as she looked at him.
‘Yes, you did.’ He grinned.
A boy.
My son, he thought to himself. His eyes were glued to the screen, and he couldn’t remember not wanting children, because suddenly that unnamed emotion had a name—or several. Protectiveness. Excitement. Maybe even love.
For two days he had struggled to come to terms with the possibility of having a child. All it had taken for that thought to settle was hearing a heartbeat.
The image was printed out and handed to him and he could still scarcely believe it.
‘I’ll give you both a moment.’ The doctor shut the door behind her and Hannah adjusted her clothes when Matt helped her to her feet.
He placed his hand on her rounded belly. This was all his, his family. And, in that moment, he knew true happiness.
* * *
Matt stared at the ultrasound printout in his hand. There was a lump in his throat he couldn’t dislodge, a sting in his eyes. He had just seen his son for the first time. The static outline of a perfectly shaped little human was burned into memory. His baby, who had developed so much without him. All that time he’d lost... He could have been there for the first ultrasound and met his child then. Maybe he and Hannah would even have had that first trimester together if he’d been there.
Matt ached for all the time he’d missed. All the time Hannah had been scared to call him. He would give anything for that now.
He released a deep breath then stowed the picture away in the centre console, started up the car and drove home. A muscle was flickering in his jaw. Maybe he should never have said he didn’t want to be a father because, no matter what his own childhood had been like, those words seemed ridiculous now. When he’d heard their baby’s heartbeat, he had stopped breathing altogether.
All those words had done was motivate Hannah to keep his child away. And he couldn’t rage at her for what had been his fault. He felt like raging, though, so he clamped his jaw shut. She didn’t deserve that, and it certainly wouldn’t heal his heart which was breaking for what he’d missed.
‘What are you thinking about?’
He heard her question but couldn’t respond. Not right now when his baby was suddenly so real. When he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t wanted this before. When he’d been trying so desperately to control the grief for what he wished he could have experienced.
‘Matt, about this plan, I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything. I can deal with the baby myself.’
Matt still wasn’t answering her, and his hands were tightly gripping the wheel. No; she wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted every single day with his son.
Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Hannah twirling the hem of her dress around her fingers, looking out of the window until the car came to a stop. Sadness hung over him like a storm cloud but didn’t stop him from helping her climb out and, once they were back in his apartment, Hannah broke the silence.
‘Tell me why you’re so angry.’
