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I look down at my hands.
“I’m not upset with you, dear, not at all, so please don’t think that. I know this was his doing. I know my son and why he did it, but you don’t know how badly I wish it were real.” Her voice breaks a little, but she recovers. “He’s happy around you,genuinelyhappy, and we all adore you already. You’re the ray of sunshine my boy needed in his life, and I hope he lets you in completely because if the way you were just looking at him out there is any indication,” she gestures to the kitchen, “I think you have feelings for him too.”
Her words rip open the floodgates I’ve barely had a grip on and tears openly stream down my cheeks. I try to rub them all away, but they only keep on coming. Comforting arms wrap around me while her words wrap around my fractured heart.
“Shh…let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. I’m here.” After a little while of crying on her shoulder, I lift my head and wipe away my anguish. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I force a smile. “It’s okay.”
“Come, let me pour you something to drink.” She winks, reaching for my hand. “I keep the good stuff in the kitchen.”
CHAPTER18
JAX
“Are you okay, babe?”I ask Lexi as I drive back to her place from the party. She seemed a little quieter toward the end of the night and I wasn’t sure if I fucked up in some way. Knowing me, who the hell knows?
“I’m fine. Just tired.” She doesn’t even look at me, staring out the window instead. I may not know relationships, but I know women, andI’m fineis code for she’s not fine at all.
I play back the last few hours of the party but nothing that would upset her comes to mind. She got along with my entire family and everyone liked her just as I knew they would.
At one point, my mom pulled me aside and told me how happy she is to see me finally settling down, especially with someone as wonderful as Lexi.Don’t let her go. She’s special, she said.
What do I even do with that? How do I process that shit knowing I have to let Lexi go, knowing it’ll wreck both of us when I do? But my heart doesn’t matter, only hers does.
I wish there was a way to make us work because my heart, it wants her more than it wants to beat, but she’s too good for me or the kind of life I’d give her, one filled with so much ugliness and pain. And what if I hurt her again during one of my episodes? What if this time I hurt her badly enough to kill her? I grip my hand tightly around the wheel. No, I won’t be the one to end her life. I’ve done enough damage.
Death will never escape me. I see it when I’m awake and I see it when I close my eyes. The best thing I could do for her is to set her free from all of it.
I should’ve never started anything with her, but I couldn’t help being a selfish prick, thinking only with my dick.
When we first began texting, I never thought my feelings for her would be anything but lust and friendship. But every day in the three months since we’ve met, my feelings for her have climbed a tightrope, even when my obstacles have weighed me down.
I pull up on her block and park across the street. She sits beside me in heavy silence while I take her in, wanting to remember every tiny detail, so I can play it over and over when she’s gone.
I reach my hand for hers and intertwine our fingers, needing to feel her, to know that we’re still somehow okay. She tightens her grasp, and I close my eyes, taking in her touch, making sure I never forget it. I listen to her quiet breaths, wishing I spoke their language, but they give nothing away.
“I had a nice time tonight,” she admits, slicing away the silence while glancing down at our joined hands. I bring them to my lips and kiss her knuckles, in hopes that it draws her eyes to mine.
And it does.
Her brows squeeze together, and I could swear I see a quiet mist building in her eyes.
“I’m happy you were there. I wouldn’t want anyone else there but you.”
She nods through a sad twist of her lips.
Does she know that we’re coming to an end? Does she feel the same rotting pain that I feel?Fuck! I hate this!It’d be so much better if we’d never met, that way I never have to hurt her. Maybe I can keep this going until she breaks things off instead. And what if she doesn’t, what then?
She fiddles with her earing. “Do you want to come up?”
If I were a better man, I’d say no, I’d stop playing games and let her go right now, but I can’t do that. I’m not ready. I need her. And I’ll hold on to her until the very last second, until I have no choice but to let go.
“Yeah, I do.” I turn off the engine and we both exit the car, walking side-by-side across the street as though we’re strangers.
I can’t take another damn second of this. So as we climb up the steps to her building and reach the entrance, I grasp her hips from behind and lean my head down, leaving a soft kiss against the side of her neck. “Even though you’re standing right here, even though I could feel you, I miss you.”
I hear a sharp intake of breath before her inhales quicken to the beat of her pulse, radiating through my lips.
