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When Ash died, the nightmares still continued, except this time they were from the day he broke in. He’d pry the knife out of his neck, very much alive, turning it on Damian, killing him instantly, and then coming for me. I’d wake up drenched in sweat, breathing like I’ve ran twenty miles to escape him.
I don’t think my brain has caught up to the fact that he’s gone and he’s never coming back. This man has been my tormentor and my warden for so long, it may be a while until I realize the cage is open, I can fly.
We drive silently as he holds my hand, stroking his thumb against my skin in a soothing manner. Looking out the window, I’m deep in thought. Am I really doing this? I won't lie and pretend I’m not nervous. I’m terrified. I run through the things I’ll say, things I never got to say to anyone. But now is my chance, even though there’ll be no one to hear the words.
We park in front of the cemetery and get out. Damian holds my hand and we walk up together, my pulse racing as we get closer and closer. Maybe I shouldn’t do this. He’s right, I should’ve waited. But will I ever be ready? I have to start healing, and this is one way I can try to do just that. As we arrive in front of Ash’s plot, I reluctantly untangle myself from Damian. “Do you mind if I do this alone?”
He kisses my forehead. “Of course not. I’ll go visit my mom. She’s right over there.” He points to the left.
I grab his hand, holding tight. “Would it be okay if I meet her after I’m done here?”
His eyes shine with emotion and he pulls me close. “I’d love nothing more,” he says, and his voice breaks just a little. “Thank you for wanting to. I love you, baby.”
“I love you more.” I kiss his chest. “I’ll be done in a few minutes, then I’ll join you.”
As he walks away, I turn to face the man who even in death finds a way to haunt me. Taking a deep breath, I try to find the right words.
“When I met you, I never dreamed we’d be here. You made me happy. At first. But slowly you turned into someone I barely recognized. I guess that’s who you always were, only showing me the real you once I became most vulnerable. I know none of this is my fault, the blame is all on you. But some days are hard, some days I blame myself for everything. I guess the many years you spent criticizing me for everything wrong in our relationship still lives in me. And maybe I could say I forgive you. I could lie. But I won’t. I’m done lying. Maybe someday I’ll get there, to a place where the pain you’ve caused me no longer matters as much, and maybe that’s the day I forgive you, but today isn’t that day. Today I let the hurt win. Today I remember. Remember each time you hit me, each time you told me I was worthless, each time you held me down and took everything, destroying me in the process. But I found someone so much better than you, and through him I’ll heal all the fragile scars you’ve left behind. Maybe in death you’ll finally find the peace you never found while alive. And if you don’t, I don’t care. You’re no longer my problem.”
I take a final look at his gravestone and walk away, feeling more at peace than I’ve ever felt, and I realize I’m smiling. I guess sometimes just letting the words out into the world is enough.
I near Damian, his lips move while his gaze is fixed on his mother’s grave. He looks up once he hears me approach. “Are you okay?”
I cup his face and kiss his lips. “I’ve never been better. Now introduce me to the woman who made such an incredible man.”
“Well Ma, this is her. I guess you knew what you were doing when you sent her to me because I have no doubt it was you.” My heart squeezes as a full avalanche of emotions permeates within.
I glance up at the man who’s been there for me from the moment I met him, then I look down at the place holding his mother’s memory and my tears drift down my face. I cry for her suffering, I cry for the days she never got to watch him become someone she’d be proud of, and I cry for him, for all the years he never got with her.
I wrap an arm around his middle as we both stare at her gravestone. “Thank you for giving me someone so incredible. My heart’s finally whole.”
“She would’ve loved you, baby.”
I lean my head against him and sigh. “I know I would’ve loved her too.” We spend the next few minutes catching her up on the good and the bad that’s been our life, and as we stroll away hand in hand, I know she’s smiling down upon us, telling us everything’s all right now, we can finally breathe.
* * *
Jax wasn’t kidding when he said he’d take care of everything for this party. I don’t know how he managed it so quickly, but the Chelsea rooftop lounge he rented is incredible, offering guests the most spectacular views of the city. Waiters stroll around with trays of tiny food, while music plays in the background, blending with the chatter of people. I’ve absolutely no idea who any of these men and women are but there’s a good fifty people up here.
As we near the table where our friends have gathered, I find someone there I didn’t expect. “Mom?” I cry out, running toward her. “What are you doing here?! You told me you couldn’t come!”
“Surprise!” She brings me in for one of her tight hugs and I sag against her. “I’m so happy this is finally over,” she says loudly over the booming music.
“Me too, Mom.” When she notices Damian behind me, we separate and she comes over to him.
She takes his hand in hers, peering down onto the floor for the briefest of seconds before looking up into his eyes. “I just want to thank you for what you did for my girl. She told me everything. I’m so thrilled she has you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything. I’d do it all over again.” She pinches her lips together and nods.
“Also,” she continues, “I need you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn't do more for you and your mother when you were just a boy. I—”
“It’s okay.” He places his hand over hers. “I swear, there’s nothing you could've done. He’d never stop.”
Wiping her eyes with her free hand, she says, “Thank you for saying that.” He brings her in for a warm embrace, and as I stand and watch, I can’t help the tug of emotion burning in my throat.
Grabbing some food and drinks, we make our way back to the table. While our loved ones are deep in conversation, Damian catches my eye and smiles. Not just any smile, one that sends butterflies deep into my belly and brightens up the whole room, taking my heart with it. And as I smile back, we share more in that look than some people say in a lifetime.
Jax stands and whistles, causing the music to stop. “Guys and girls, this day is dedicated to our man, Damian, right here and the beautiful, Lilah. Cheer for them will ya?” The place erupts in claps and whistles, and my cheeks feel warm from the attention.
