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Adrik blinks at me. “And that should matter to you? Marika, do youhearyourself?”
I can’t even be upset at him, because he’s right. It shouldn’t matter to me what history there is behind the ring Theo gave me, or the sentiment. I shouldn’t have accepted it for any reason other than to mollify Theo, to pull him deeper into the plan Nikolai came up with.
“It was just an explanation. Adrik—I’m tired.” The last is said with absolute sincerity, because Iam. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so tired before, except for maybe after I was kidnapped. “I just want to go to bed.”
There’s a flicker of disappointment across his face, and I can tell he was hoping for something else. “Adrik—this—” I gesture between us. “It has to stop, until things are finished with Theo. I’ve signed a betrothal contract. Ifanyonewere to find out about us, rat us out to either Nikolai or Theo—” It’s hard for me to finish the sentence. I want the comfort that being with Adrik right now could bring me. I want that forgetfulness, the way he makes everything else disappear when he’s with me, even if it’s only a temporary forgetfulness.
“I’d get you somewhere safe. I’d get us both safe. And then, at least, we could be together—”
“Nowyoulisten to yourself.” I look up at him, pleading for him to understand. “My brother would kill you, or Theo would. Who knows what would happen to me? It wouldn’t be good, whatever it was. You know that.”
“It would mean you wouldn’t have to be in his bed.” Adrik’s hand rests on my waist, where Theo’s was just a little while ago. “Whether you want to be or not.”
“I don’t—”
“I saw you.” There’s something rough, a little savage in his voice. “I saw you kiss him. I saw thewayyou kissed him—”
There it is—the jealousy I’d feared. And something else flares in me, too—a sudden anger that he was watching me. That nothing is private for me, ever. Even Adrik, the only person I’ve ever had anything private with at all, can’t give me the space to figure out how to handle this on my own. “This is a game, Adrik.” I blow out a sharp, frustrated breath. “You’ve worked with the Bratva long enough to know how these things go. I have to make Theo think that I want him. That’s part of it.”
“And you can’t let me know what the point of this little game is?” He looks down at me, his face creased into frustrated lines. “Why you’re marrying this man, but will somehow get out of it in time to be with me? Why you’re wearing that shitty ring he gave you, or kissing him like you want to climb him like a fucking tree?” His eyes narrow. “I know desire, Marika. I know how you kissme. And unless you’re a damn good actress—”
“Maybe I am!” I snap. I can feel the heat building between us—even when we’re fighting, the attraction is there, and it’s intense. The simmering desire that Theo left in my blood is still there, and Adrik is only intensifying the ache, making it hard to remember why I’m going straight to bed, why I said we can’t touch each other again until my marriage to Theo is finished, why we can’t have at least one more night. He’s so close, and I know how good that hard, muscled body feels against mine, how good he could make me feel, how he could make me forget all of the complicated feelings tangled up inside of me right now.
It could be something just for me, when I’ve given up so much for others, for my family. The temptation is strong, tugging at me, and I have to break away from Adrik, pushing at his chest so I can put some distance between us.
“When this is over,” I tell him, as calmly as I can, “then we can figure this out—if that’s still what you want. But I can’t be distracted like this. And we can’t take the risk—”
“What if I don’t?” Adrik’s voice is challenging, but I can see the pain etched in his face, the way he’s leaning towards me. If I let myself look downward, I know I’d see that he’s hard. I know how much he wants me.
“Then I would understand,” I say softly. “As much as it would hurt, I can’t expect you to just wait, Adrik.”
“You’re killing me, Marika,” he says. “This—what you expect me to watch—”
“You won’t have to watch. You won’t even be there. You’renotgoing to be any part of any security detail to Theo’s—if Nikolai even sends such a thing. He’ll have his own security; he won’t want any part of mine. And don’t argue with me,” I add, putting a rare inflection of the Bratva imperiousness I’ve learned into my voice. “That’s a powder keg waiting to explode, Adrik. Just—if you care about me, don’t make this harder. Please.”
I don’t know if he relents so much as he realizes that I’m not going to be swayed. His shoulders sag a little, and he nods. “Fine, Marika,” he says hoarsely. “I guess you can find out if I’m still here or not, when this is allover.”
The way he says it tears at my heart. I don’t want to hurt him. It hurtsme, to see the look on his face, knowing how it must have made him feel to see me with Theo. But I don’t have a choice in the matter. The marriage is necessary—for reasons I can’t explain to him and that I’m not sure he’d understand or agree with even if I could.
Do I hope he’s still here, after? Do I hope he still wants me?I don’t know the answer to that question, as I walk up to my room. I feel more confused than I ever have in my life, and a small part of me wishes I hadn’t said yes to Adrik on the couch that day, because it would all be much simpler, much less dangerous, much less complicated if I hadn’t.
But then I would be giving Theo my virginity. It wouldn’t have been my choice. And when I think back over all the nights I’ve spent with Adrik—
A small shiver goes through me, my stomach tightening at the memories. I want him, there’s no denying that. I care about him. And as far as love—
I could fall in love with him, I think. Love takes time, I know that. It takes space to discover more about each other than we’ve been able to, as little time as we’ve had and as much of it as we’ve spent wrapped around each other instead of talking. I know Adrik wants me, and cares for me in return. But it’s not enough to know for sure.
And unless I do, I can’t risk everything.
I slip out of the dress, laying it over the back of the chair by my vanity, carefully taking the jewelry off and putting it in the cedarwood box I keep everything else in. I know I should take off my makeup, but exhaustion overwhelms me, and I fall into bed still naked, my hair tangled in thick curls around my face.
As tired as I am, I lay there for long minutes, staring up at the ceiling. I can still feel the pulse that Theo and Adrik left behind humming through my blood, and one hand slides idly down, grazing over the soft skin of my flat stomach, down between my thighs.
I try to think of Adrik as I slip my fingers between my outer folds, feeling the hot, slick wetness there. My clit is swollen with arousal, and I gasp as I slide a finger over it, my hips arching up into my hand. I try to pretend it’s Adrik’s thick fingers instead of mine, his rough hand sliding over my sensitive flesh, circling my clit the way he does before pushing two of those fingers into me and making me gasp with pleasure.
But instead, Theo’s long-fingered hand comes to mind, slender and artistic, the way the sight of them had surprised me. Before I can stop myself, I imagine him nimbly strumming a finger over my stiff, swollen clit, rubbing it back and forth, that Irish burr coming through.
Look how wet you are for me, lass.
