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That won’t happen, I tell myself as I force down a bit of toast, not wanting Lilliana to see how worried I am. I’m pretty sure that the only way I’m going to get through this is to pretend that it’s alright until it’s all over. If I let myself think about the reality of it all, I might faint halfway down the aisle.
There’s a knock at the door, and Lilliana frowns, glancing at it. I start to get up, and then I hear a voice coming from the other side.
“Marika? Can I talk to you?”
It’s Adrik. My stomach clenches instantly, and I look at Lilliana.Thank fuck she already knows,I think, a small burst of panic igniting inside of me. If she didn’t, I would have had a hell of a time explaining why he was outside.
Which is exactly why I’m glad that he’ll be staying here, while I go to Theo’s. I can’t trust Adrik to set his emotions aside, and see the necessity of him pretending like we don’t have a connection for now.
I get up, tying my silk robe a little tighter around me. “I’ll handle it,” I tell Lilliana, who presses her lips thinly together with concern.
“Are you sure, Marika? I can tell him that you’re busy—”
“It’s better if I talk to him,” I tell her quickly. She doesn’t look entirely convinced, but she nods.
I walk quickly to the door, stepping outside, and closing it behind me. I see the way Adrik’s gaze instantly flicks over me, taking in the thin robe, and I suddenly feel underdressed. It would be too easy for us to duck into another room, and his hands to be under it, for him to—
I shake off the thought. “Adrik, you can’t be up here today,” I tell him in a hushed voice. “I have a wedding to get ready for. And I know how you feel—”
“Do you?” he asks, his voice sharp. “Do you have any idea how hard this is, Marika, thinking about you going to that church—about you saying vows to him, that you’ll be in his bed tonight—”
“I’m the one who has to do it!” I stare up at him, frustration welling up in my voice. “I have to go make promises I have no intention of keeping, Adrik. I have to go fuck a man whose bed I don’t want to be in. I have to be his wife until this is all over. Do you thinkanyof that is easier than standing by and knowing it’s happening? Because if you do—”
“Do you know how helplessIfeel?” His voice sounds ragged. “I could get us out of this, Marika, and you won’t let me—”
“It’s not worth the risk—”
“It is to me!” His voice rises, and I reach up, putting a hand over his mouth as I look worriedly down the hall. I’m almost certain Lilliana must have heard, but that’s the least of my worries. “You’re worth it to me,” he says when I pull my hand away, his voice lower now.
“Adrik—” The words send a pang through me, my chest tightening. “You can’t fix everything on your own.Iam choosing to do this. You have to leave me alone while I play my part in this. We could try to run—but don’t you understand what that means? I love my brother. I would never be able to see him again, or Lilliana, or their child, if we did that. Making it so that you’re all I have isn’t a way to start a relationship—”
“In time, he’d see—”
“No.” I shake my head. “And if you really think that, you don’t know my brother as well as you think you do. We’d have to disappear forever, because if Nikolai ever found out, he’d punish you—so much more than he would me. I’d be cut off from everything else I loved, forever. Or I can do this, and have a chance to have both, when it’s done.”
“You really think—”
“Yes.” I feel a little guilty, cutting him off again, but I’m running out of time, and I can tell that he’s not going to let this go easily. “We’ll havetimethen, Adrik. Time to figure out what this is between us, without having to scorch the earth behind us while we do.”
“I don’t need time to know how I feel about you,” he says sharply, and I let out a sigh.
“Ido, Adrik. And whatever that makes you feel, I need you to understand—you know what happened to me in that compound. You know what those guards did to me, what Ivan Narokov did to me. I have scars from it, inwardly and out. You picked my body up off of the floor after he beat me half to death, Adrik! You know what that did to me. You can’t expect that I’ve healed so quickly that I can know exactly how I feel and what I want in a month—”
“I love you, Marika.” He says it quick and firm, as if it’s been hovering on the tip of his tongue for a long time, and he’s been holding it back. “Iknow. I love you, and I would do anything to keep you from marrying this man, from having to know that he’s—”
“Don’t say it again. Please.” I look up at him, suddenly so tired all over again.Is a relationship always supposed to make you so tired?“I know you don’t want to think of me with another man. I don’t want tobewith him. But this is the best choice, Adrik. And if you love me—then you’ll trust me.”
“You can’t even say it back?” His blue eyes look dark and sad, making my chest ache all over again to see it. “You’re going off to marry this Irishman, and you can’t even tell me you love me before you go?”
I take a deep, slow breath, reminding myself that this is because Adrik cares for me. If he’s lashing out, he’s doing so out of emotion, and because he is a man used to protecting me, to taking care of problems like Theo for my family and me, and in this instance, he can’t do so.
I reach up slowly, touching the side of Adrik’s face gently. “If I say it to you, Adrik, I don’t want it to be like this. So, no, I’m not going to say it right now. I don’t want it to be rushed, or forced, or desperate. I want it to be when I’ve chosen to, because I’m very certain that I want you to know. I’ve never told any man that I love him, and I don’t ever want to do so hastily.”
“Don’t say it to him.” His hands touch the side of my face, tilting it upwards, his gaze hot and full of emotion. “Don’t ever say it to him, Marika.”
“I won’t.” It feels like an easy promise to make. “This isn’t that kind of marriage, Adrik. And he knows it. He won’t expect it.”
“Promise me.”
