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My feelings for Adrik are real. They have been from the beginning. But they were also uncertain, predicated on the possibility of a future that I have no means of imagining and no real certainty of how it would work. And now—
I can’t deny that I feel something for Theo. I just don’t know what it is exactly, or what it’s predicated on, either. I don’t know if I can trust it—and what’s worse, there isnofuture for that, even if what I feel is real, and even if everything he’s shown me about himself is real, too.
My brother wants him dead. Nothing will change that—only the part I play in it. And if I stonewall Nikolai—
I drop my head into my hands, feeling more lost and exhausted than I have since I was rescued from the compound.
This is beyond me. And for the first time, I think my brother might have put me in more danger than I can handle.
The problem is—it’s not entirely his fault.
Marika
Ihear when Theo comes home, the door closing downstairs, and I make a beeline for the ensuite bathroom, hoping it will buy me time to calm down. Adrik was right, there wasplentyof time before Theo returned, but I’ve been sitting on the bed crying for all that time. I have no explanation that I can think of to make sense of it if Theo comes upstairs and has questions.
The hot water is soothing. My nerves are shot from my first flight, the jet lag, the anxious dreams during my nap, and Adrik. I feel twitchy all over, jumpy, and unsettled, and I know I need to get that under control before I see Theo.
I stand in the shower for a long time after I wash my hair, stalling for as long as I can. What makes it even worse is that Iwantto go downstairs. I found myself thinking of what I should choose to wear for the dinner Theo is planning, what he might like, even what I should wear under it—and I know I’m not supposed to be thinking like that. If I am, it should only be because I’m plotting how to better seduce him, not because I genuinely want to. But I’m looking forward to dinner with him, to seeing what he cooked, if he’s as good a cook as he says. And I know all of that points to me being in deeper than I should be already.
I don’t know what to do about it.
I shrug on a robe once I’ve gotten out of the shower and dried off, going into the bedroom to dig out my blowdryer. When I open the bathroom door, I see Theo standing next to the dresser with his back to me, and I jump in place, covering my mouth with my hand to try to stifle my yelp of surprise.
It’s not as effective as I’d hoped.
He turns instantly, his gaze sliding over me, wrapped in the cream-colored plush robe. I can see the instant thought that crosses his face, that I’m undoubtedly naked under it, and I can see him picturing my smooth, damp skin and all the ways that he wants to touch it.
I could be happy like this, if things were different.
The thought makes a lump rise in my throat, and I fight it back. I can’t cry again—I might be able to pass it off as jet lag and nerves, but I don’t want to give Theo any reason to think I’m unhappy. I don’t want him to start looking for reasons why I might be—not when they might lead back to Adrik and make this all so much worse.
He crosses the room to me, reaching for my arms much like Adrik did, but it feels different. When he pulls me in for a kiss, it’s gentler, his mouth grazing over mine. “There’s wine decanting downstairs,” he murmurs against my lips. “And I’ll go down and start dinner soon. I wanted to see if you were still sleeping.”
I force a smile. “I’ve been up for a little bit. I wanted a shower.”
“Mm.” One hand drops to my hip. “I suppose that means I’ll need to get you dirty again later.”
A flush of heat washes over me, one that’s unexpected and not entirely unwanted. I look at Theo, and he’s more handsome than I could have possibly known he would be. I reach up without thinking, grazing my fingers over the dark stubble on his jaw, looking up at his rich green eyes, the dark auburn hair above, lower to his leanly muscular body now in dark grey chinos and a long-sleeved dark green henley shirt that brings out his eyes. He’s dressed more casually than I’ve ever seen him, and somehow, it makes him even sexier.
“We’re going to be having dinner late, if you keep looking at me like that.” His voice is low and husky, and his hand tightens on my hip.
“How many times can you go in a day anyway?” I tease him, but a part of me really wonders. When I’d known I was marrying a man in his early forties, I’d expected sex every few days at the most. I’m losing track of how many times he’s come in the last twenty-four hours.
“We could find out.” Theo raises one dark eyebrow, turning me towards the bed, and I gasp a little, raising my hands to press against his chest, fingers grazing over the soft fabric of his shirt. It’s not unlike how I touched Adrik earlier, trying to push him away from me, and that brings me back to reality.
“I’m getting a little hungry,” I say softly. “I haven’t eaten since the flight over here.”
“Of course.” He looks a little chagrined, his grip on me loosening. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think—”
“No, it’s okay.” I know there’s no use in comparing, but I can’t help it—only a little while ago, I was trying to get Adrik to back off, and he kept pushing. Now Theo, who by the standards of the world we live in ought to believe he has a right to me whenever he pleases, is backing off the moment I say I’m uncomfortable. “Iamcurious about these cooking skills you claim to have, though.”
“Claim?” Theo looks offended, though even I can tell he’s only joking. “Well, now I have to go downstairs and get started. You can’t just say things like that and expect me not to prove otherwise.”
He reaches up, touching my cheek, and I find myself wanting to lean into the caress.I could be happy like this,I think again, and there’s a strange ache in my chest at the realization.
“I came out here to find my blowdryer.” I turn away from Theo, trying to get a grip on my emotions as I rummage through my suitcase, looking for where I put it. My hand closes around one of the packets of pills, and I instinctively shove it deeper into a stack of clothes, my heart seizing in my chest at the thought of Theo seeing.
After today, I think him finding out that I’m on birth control might be even worse than him finding out that I wasn’t a virgin when we got married.
