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For a moment, I wonder if it might be better if I didn’t. I think I can trust Lilliana—but sheisNikolai’s wife. There’s a bond of trust between them now, and I don’t want to weaken that by asking her to keep secrets from my brother—her husband.
But I also feel like I might actually go mad if I don’t tell someone—especially now that I’m almost certainly going to marry Theo. And I have no one else to tell.
“I’m not a virgin.” The words come out hushed, tripping over each other, and when I look up, I can see Lilliana staring at me in shock.
“You’re joking.”
I yank my hands away, feeling suddenly defensive. “I shouldn’t have said anything,” I mutter, starting to turn away, but Lilliana grabs my hand again.
“I’m not judging you,” she says quickly. “I just—I wouldn’t have expected that. I imagined your father kept as tight a guard on you as mine did. I just—how?”
Her shocked, questioning tone almost makes me laugh. I rub a hand over my face, suddenly feeling like I want to go back to bed.
“It was recent,” I tell her quietly. “While you and Nikolai were gone. You’re right that I would never have gotten away with something like that with my father watching me.”
Lilliana blinks at me. “Who?” she asks curiously. “I mean—if you don’t want to tell me—”
“It was Adrik. ItisAdrik. The bodyguard who rescued me from the compound. Rescued all of us, really—” I can hear myself tripping over my words again, trying to justify myself, but I don’t think I really need to. Not to Lilliana. I look at her again, and I can see that she really isn’t judging me—she’s just shocked.
I can’t really blame her for that.
“Did he hurt you?” Her lips thin, and I can see the wheels turning in her mind. “While Nikolai and I were out of the country? Did he force—”
“No!” I exclaim, shaking my head. “No, nothing like that happened. I—it was my choice.” I can feel my cheeks starting to heat. “We talked. Had a drink. One thing led to another—” I stop talking, suddenly feeling even more embarrassed, like a walking trope.One thing led to another.It’s a line out of a bad movie, and I hate that I said it.
“I wanted to take something back for myself,” I say quietly, looking back at Lilliana. “The men at the compound didn’t violate me, but they did hurt me. I didn’t feel like myself for so long. Adrik wanted me—and I wanted him too. It felt good to make that choice. I wasn’t really thinking what it meant. Just that I wanted to make a choice about my own body.”
“I can understand that,” Lilliana says quietly. “Believe me, I can.”
“I know.”
We both sit there in silence for a long moment. “This world is really shitty to women, isn’t it?” Lilliana asks, looking at me. “It turned out well for Nikolai and I—but it so easily could have not. And for you—”
“I have to do this.” I wrap my arms around myself, feeling suddenly cold. “This is what I’m supposed to do.”
“What about Adrik?” Lilliana gives me a shrewd look. “Are you in love with him?”
The question is startling to hear. “I don’t know,” I admit. “I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to feel like. I like sleeping with him—”
“So you’ve kept having sex with him?” There’s still no judgment in Lilliana’s voice, just curiosity, and that relaxes me enough to answer.
“Yes.” I press my lips together, glancing at her. “There’s no one to stop me here, really. And I liked it. So it just—has kept happening.”
“Do you want to be with him?Actuallybe with him—in a relationship?”
“I don’t know.” I bite my lip. “I haven’t thought about it long enough to know. I think I might—but it feels impossible. He’s a bodyguard, and I’m—me. Nikolai would be furious. I know he has feelings for me—but I still feel so fragile from what happened. I can’t sort out what’s real and what’s just lust, because all of this is so new.”
“You could tell Nikolai,” Lilliana suggests gently. “He wouldn’t be able to marry you to Theo, then.”
“I know,” I whisper. “That’s the problem, don’t you see? He’ll be furious with me for losing my virginity to a fuckingbodyguard, but he’ll also be disappointed in me, and that’s so much worse. He’s sacrificed his whole life to being the heir, to leading the Bratva, and there’sonething I’m supposed to do. I’ve fucked it up—or will have, if anyone finds out.”
“So you’re just going to marry Theo and fake it? Marika—”
“I have to.” I feel my teeth sink deeper into my lip. “If it was going to be forever, then maybe I wouldn’t. I’d be so afraid, always, that it would come out eventually. But the whole point of this is that Theo ends up dead, and I end up a widow. And then it won’t matter.”
“That’s a dangerous game to play,” Lilliana says quietly. “I think Nikolai would understand—”
“You promised not to tell him.” I look at her sharply. “You promised.”
