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So was falling for a guy in under twelve hours. I still wasn’t backing down.
If he didn’t love me yet, well, he would. Hopefully. I wanted that man, and we’d had a crazy chemistry that couldn’t be denied or shoved aside. As different as our lives were, we could make it work if we were willing to put in the effort.
And I was.
Tonight, after the show, I was going to put it all on the line. After that was anyone’s guess, but I wasn’t going to consent to being a bystander in my own life any longer. I’d been given so much, and I wanted to start giving back in ways other than holding charity benefits and donating to worthy causes.
Now I was going to try giving myself. Therealme.
“Your fans expect a certain standard from you, Peyton.” My mother didn’t sound agitated, only weary. She probably knew that the easiest way to keep her daughter in line was to act as if she was just sotedious. “You tried some of that screaming nonsense on ‘Starting Over’ and what happened? You alienated the very people who’ve given you such a comfortable lifestyle. Would you really like it if your elderly parents had to go back to begging for scraps at our age? We’ve done so much for you. Made sacrifices you don’t even know about.”
I snorted.Sure, like not divorcing Daddy but having an affair with your much younger tennis instructor instead? Thanks so much for keeping my happy home intact.
“I understand that,” I said evenly, “and I appreciate them. But I’ve sacrificed too. I lost a lot of my childhood to talent shows and trying to get that big break. Forget my teenage years. I didn’t have a date until I was eighteen.”
Achaperoneddate, with three bodyguards. Because what yelled romance more than guys in dark suits with their hands on the pistols tucked in their waistbands? No wonder the guy had never contacted me again. He wasn’t famous, just a regular boy, and he’d been too scared to even kiss me.
I smiled. Unlike another man I knew, who’d gone for a different kind of kiss altogether.
“So your way of making up for lost time is to wreck the career you’ve spent all these years building?”
My smile faded. The criticism stung. Italwaysstung, because that fear of failure and letting people down had kept me rooted in place for far too long. Well, no more. I wasn’t the same scared girl I’d been. One night had helped me grow up and see everything I’d been missing.
I’d dared Jed to take that next step. Now it was time to dare myself.
“I don’t think I’m going to wreck my career,” I said softly, stroking the cool hammered steel bracelet around my wrist until I steadied. “I think I’m going to do just fine. And if I don’t, if this attempt goes up in smoke, then at least I’ll be able to face myself in the mirror again. I’m tired of being a coward, Mama.”
At that, my mother lifted her head. I hadn’t called her that since childhood, since long before I’d started getting noticed for my singing.
“I know my success is why you love me.”If you love me. “Risking it means I’m risking our relationship too. It’s a risk I need to take, for me. For the dreams that got me here in the first place. Singing is the most important thing in my life, and I don’t want to grow to hate it.” I took a shuddering breath and stared hard at my new jewelry, my own unique expression of breaking free. “Or worse, to hate myself.”
“You’re so talented, baby.”
I glanced up, shocked. “What?”
My mother smiled gently. “Your father and I don’t just love you for your success. We admire you for chasing the life you wanted, no matter the cost.”
“But that’s just it. This isn’t the life I wanted. I want to play my own music. I want…” I blew out a breath and rubbed my cheek against my shoulder, remembering how Jed’s hands had felt against my skin. Every night I awakened just before dawn, straining against my nightgown, craving his touch more desperately than the water I gulped down to ease the ache in my throat. “I want so much.”
“Then you need to go after it.”
For a moment, I didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. I clutched the delicate bracelet I’d had made, wondering if it had superpowers. It had to be a special talisman, because there was no other way this conversation could be happening. “Mama?”
“You don’t want to end up a bitter old woman like me, drinking coffee-flavored whiskey before lunch.” With a thin smile, my mother set her saucer down on the table beside her. “I don’t want that for you.”
“Are you drunk?”
My mother tipped back her head and laughed, though she immediately smoothed each buttery blond strand of hair back into place.
Some things never changed.Mostdidn’t. But sometimes when they did, incredible things happened.
“I’m probably more sober than ever right now, but I can’t promise you I’ll say the same sentiments the next time I see you. It’s hard to let go of what you know. I’m comfortable where I am.” Her shrewd blue eyes narrowed. “If you’re not, figure out how to fix it. And stay the course no matter who tells you to turn around. It’ll make winning that much sweeter.”
I nodded, swallowing hard. “When was the last time you won?”
My mother smiled. “When I had you.”
I nearly asked if my mother had won simply because I was her daughter, or because I’d been so lucrative. In the end, I decided I didn’t want to know. I’d already received more positive reinforcement from my mother than I’d ever expected. Why push my luck? I had plenty of other luck to push as the day wore on.
