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Not clean, exactly, but better. Much better, even with my head swirling in circles faster than water down the drain.
I told Devan my story, and he hasn’t shied away. The shower is for Devan as much as it is for me to come to terms with everything I’ve thrown at him. Takes a person time to process. I’ve had years of processing, and I’m still not even close.
Damn it, though, I want Devan to understand. I want him to see that we might be different, but on a basic level, we are both two broken people. There are some stains I’ll never free myself from, but those living on the inside where no one is willing to see. To look closely at.
What would be the worst thing, I ask myself as I stare down my reflection, to take the last step and really do to Devan what I want to do? What I've never allowed myself to want to do with anyone else?
It’s my choice.
So much of my life and all of my lovers have not been my choice, and if I’m really being honest with myself, that includes Broderick Stevens. I fell into his bed the same way I fell into every other part of the life he offered me, and I did so with gratitude spilling from my lips.
He taught me to associate pain with my own pleasure and take back what had been robbed from me. I resigned myself to this fact; I belonged to him. Nothing of my own. No choices, but all the consequences.
Realization strikes me like a slap to the face. I want Devan, and I’ve been toying with him, unable to fully jump out of misguided loyalty and a sense of shame I've never been able to shake.
What’s worse than caring about someone? The grief of knowing how much you hurt them by your inability to make a move in either direction. It’s a holding pattern. It's a disservice to everyone involved, and I’ve been beating my own head against a wall, glued in place for too many years to count.
Before I ran away from home.
Before I sold myself on the streets.
And every day since Broderick found me and shaped me into a person he could use but never respect.
I stare at the woman in the mirror, wondering what she actually wants versus what she’s settled for. She likes tea without the niceties of cream or sugar. She likes K-pop albums and Funko dolls, although she’s never been allowed to decorate her desk with them.
She has an unhealthy fascination with the TV showCharmedand tries overly hard to be nice to people who have no interest in doing the same for her.
She cares.
She nurtures.
She wants the best for the men who work underneath her and blames herself for their deaths. She wants to grow so powerful no one can ever takeanythingaway from her again.
I swipe a hand across the fog on the mirror and smear my reflection.
She wants Devan Bishop. That’s one point in which she’s crystal clear.
The decision is made faster than I would have thought possible a few days ago, one I’ve been teetering on the edge of for much longer, ready to fall. Ready to plummet to my death in a metaphorical way. I set my shoulders, give myself a look I hope shows confidence rather than the sliver of nerves skittering along my clavicle.
He might reject me tonight.
He might say no, it’s not the time, blame it on the trauma of the shootout and the betrayal of going against the Syndicate.
Or…he might say yes.
Please say yes.
Mind made up, I step out of the bathroom completely naked, waiting for him to turn around and look at me. Our isolation struck me at once. It’s only the two of us here. There is no one else to see, to judge, to admonish. Only our thoughts.
I watch his throat work, Devan swallowing hard. “What are you doing, Aria?”
I mimic his monotone and reply, “I’d think it obvious, Tough Guy.”
These are dangerous waters, and I’m not sure if we’re about to drown or not. I stand in front of him, waiting for him to make a move, knowing without really knowing how it will feel to fit together.
“This isn’t the right time,” he replies.
“I can’t think of a better time,” I toss back at him. “Seems to me we are alone, in a place where no one will find us. There is a single bed, and if I’m forced to be here in this safe palace with you…let's pass the time enjoying each other.”
