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“It’s not safe. Do you understand? I can’t risk losing you. Trust me to take care of you.”
“I…trust you’ll try.” It’s got to be enough for him right now. It has to be because there is nothing else I’m able to give him.
Why would he want me, anyway?
I’m beyond damaged goods. I’ve been turned over and inside and out too many times to count in my life, and I’ve helped a bad man do terrible things. I’ve been a gatekeeper to the dark web for more years than I can count.
It takes me a long time to realize Devan and I cling to each other. It’s not just me holding on too tightly. He’s afraid to let go, too.
For a second, I let my eyes screw shut and imagine how it might be if it were the two of us against the world, for real. If we were any other man and woman in any other situation. I know he has my back to the best of his abilities. Hopefully, he knows that everything I’ve done…is for him.
“Tell me about her.”
“You’ve already asked about Layla—” He breaks off in a yawn.
“I’m not talking about your old partner. I’m talking about the woman who used to hold your heart.” Not like I really want to know about any other person Devan has touched, has kissed, has spoken sweet nothings to. Yet I have to know.
He’s hesitant when he says, “Are you so sure they’re not the same person?”
“Yes.” I hide my smile. “I’m absolutely sure.”
“I forget about how good you are at digging for pieces of information people want to hide.”
“And I didn’t realize you wanted to hide your past relationships.”
He shifts to get more comfortable on the couch but doesn’t let go of me. Keeping me tucked beneath the shelter of his arm. “It was a long time ago. She was, is, a teacher. Seemed like she was one of the lucky ones who got to live out of her life’s passion and actually enjoy going to work every day. Loved kids, you know. The whole thing.”
“She sounds like a good woman.”
“She was too good for me. And also…not the right fit. I found myself—even before Layla died—not telling her things, keeping certain parts of me and my life from her. Not only to spare her the ugliness but because I wasn’t sure she’d understand me.”
“I know what it’s like to wonder if the people in your life look at you and see something worth liking or hating. Love is too much to ask for.”
“Love is always too much to ask for, and it never fails to get you kicked in the balls.”
“Can confirm,” I agree.
He’s the one who has my back. I know it without a doubt. I’ve been taken into the inner halls of Devan and made a part of it, and I’m very scared to fall for him in a real way. Which is ridiculous. We barely know each other.
Trauma bonding, I tell myself.Assuremyself. Even when looking at him makes me feel like I’ve finally found the home I’ve always wanted, the same one I’ve been running toward since I can remember.
He probably doesn’t even feel the same.
“Things were bound to fail with my ex. Not because either of us were lacking but because we weren’t the right fit for each other. Chemistry isn’t a rare thing, but finding chemistry on more than one level, or two? And finding them within one person? Now that’s rare.”
I touch my palm to his face and turn him in my direction so that we’re looking at each other. Holding eye contact, wide open, I pull him until he dips his head to mine. The kiss is my answer to his statement. He is absolutely right. And my terror of Broderick is only rivaled by the terror I suddenly feel at Devan’s eventual rejection.
TWENTY-ONE
devan
We fallasleep on the couch, latched together and closer than we’d been sharing the single bed in the cabin. The others are there, around us, and it’s a comfort in the back of my mind to know we aren’t alone. After so long in a solitary confinement of my own choosing, I thought it would be much harder to start leaning on others for support.
Until this firebrand of a woman came into my life.
I’m not sure what time it is when my mind decides it’s time to get the hell up, my body groggy but eventually falling into line with the assessment. Aria is already gone by the time I crack one eye open, the spot beside me warm, so she hasn’t been up for long.
Adam is asleep behind the laptop. His head droops toward his chest, and his arms are crossed, his glasses nowhere to be seen.
