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“We don’t know that for sure,” I said. “The fact of the matter is, deep down I think he did do all of those things, hoping the situation would go away. It wasn’t until Lexi got involved that he had no choice but to do the right thing.”
Aunt Meg frowned. “I don’t agree with that. I think Zeke is being very sincere.”
I shrugged. “Well, we’ll never know for sure, and I can’t help feeling the way I feel.”
“You’re entitled to your feelings, yes, but at what cost? The only person you’re hurting is yourself. Zeke is a kind, thoughtful man. He’s already done so much for us and it sounds like he intends to do more.”
“Because money means nothing to him! He could set up a dozen baby mamas all over the country. For all we know, he already has.”
“Okay, I think you’re being a drama queen,” she said, her eyes finding mine. “You know I will always love you, and always have your back, but you need to think long and hard about the way you’re behaving. Jeremy isn’t going anywhere, so Zeke will be in our lives no matter what. Forgiveness could go a long way toward healing.”
“So he destroyed my life, hurt me more than anything else ever has, and now he gets to come back, throwing around money, and that makes everything okay?”
“He’s done a lot more than throw money around. Think about all the ways he tried to show you he’s sorry while he was here. You don’t have to like him, but I truly believe you need to forgive him. And yourself.”
“Myself? I didn’t do anything!”
“Didn’t you?” She cocked her head. “You had a trashy one-night stand with a rockstar and got yourself pregnant. Didn’t graduate college. Lost two jobs. Made a mess of your future. You’re quite the loser.”
Her words stung and it took a moment for me to realize she was only making a point. But she was right. Those were all issues I’d been struggling with. Feelings of failure, insecurity, guilt. And shame. So much shame. It didn’t come from a place of morality—this wasn’t about religion or the idea you had to be married to have sex or a baby—but I’d become everything I’d never wanted to be.
A college dropout.
A single mother.
A somewhat unemployable dredge of society, even if it was only due to circumstances beyond my control.
Broke. Struggling. Tired.
I was twenty-three but it felt like I’d lived a hundred years, almost all of them bad.
I hadn’t lived up to the standards I’d set for myself, and it was disgraceful. In my head anyway.
While I blamed myself for allowing it to get to this point, I blamed Zeke more. He’d started the ball rolling on my fall from grace by knocking me up and getting me fired. From there, everything had gone downhill. Having him show back up in my life, ready to buy my forgiveness, had somehow made it worse. I wanted him to suffer the way I had. I wanted him to be as miserable as I was.
I might not say that out loud, but I’d absolutely admitted it to myself.
“I’m no expert, but I also think there’s a touch of post-partum depression going on,” Aunt Meg said after a few minutes of silence. “Maybe you should talk to someone now that we’ve got the money.”
“Maybe.” I dropped my gaze. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. All I want is for you to be happy again.”
“I don’t even know how.”
“Like I said, forgiveness goes a long way.”
“He hurt me so much,” I whispered miserably. “He broke my heart and my spirit. And now that he’s being so nice and helpful, it’s that much worse because it makes me feel like for someone as wonderful as he is to be that awful to me, it must have been because I’m not worthy.”
“Oh, honey.” She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me. “You know that’s not true.”
“I don’t know anything,” I whispered. “Except how he makes me feel. Good, bad, and everything in between, and it’s terrible.”
“Because deep down you still feel something for him.”
And that little piece of insight made me hate myself even more.
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