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I’ve always figured they called us to it early, hoping it’d help with my healing. And it did. Throwing myself into caring for my pack saved me. Being called to the council definitely helped; not to mention coming back for that and soon after getting hit with the scent of Tyson marking around the village, letting us know he wasn’t dead. Between the council appointment and Tyson, I had new focus.
“How’d last night go?” Jase interrupts my thoughts, eyes hard.
“It didn’t.” I know they already know this. They would’ve felt the change if it’d gone differently. They’d smell it and wouldn’t see me for days as I’d be otherwise occupied. But I don’t want to talk about this, can’t wrap my head around it, need to not think about it to keep myself level-headed. I need to be able to function, so that if there’s anything I need to do for the pack after yesterday, I’ve got the capacity for it.
Though I feel like ‘level’ isn’t gonna be something I am for a while.
I’d never mated her, never got the chance to give her my mark almost seven years ago. It would’ve happened if she hadn’t disappeared into the river. The river I’d always loved but have had a strained relationship with since.
I’ve always felt like the river took her from me. Because I scared her into her death by revealing my nature and insisting I was about to make her mine. She fell in and I couldn’t find her.
My chest is hollowed out now where the aching grief was. I told myself I had to ignore the pain, push past it to function for my pack, my family. But at night, alone in my bed, I knew what I was missing.
I grieved a lie.
Anger fills that space now. Anger and bitterness that form a Molotov cocktail verging on rage, threatening to bubble over at the reminder of all I’ve been through and all I haven’t had because of her deception.
The chances at connection I’ve turned away because I couldn’t stomach the idea of anyone that wasn’t her. I’ve walked around for almost seven years with a gaping hole in me. Living with her fear-filled face inked inside my eyelids. And my pack has suffered for it, too.
The song she sang that day I met her still worms its way through my mind at times. On the rare occasion it pops on the radio, I’m a shell of a man for the rest of that day.
I felt guilt the night Roxy kissed me. She was drunk, sad things weren’t going anywhere with Mase, who she’s carried a torch for since forever. I stopped her because it felt like I’d be cheating on Rikki.
But Rikki doesn’t exist. She’s Erica Young. A witch who lies.
“You’d rather spend your life alone?” Roxy asked, unable to grasp why I wouldn’t let myself have a night of carnal pleasure with no strings a couple years after losing a mate. “What a waste, Riley. Would she want that for you? I bet she wouldn’t.”
Seeing her face again last night after not believing for all this time that I’d ever see it other than in my watery nightmares? Hearing her voice? Catching the scent of the slickness she made for me when I growled at her…
Where would I be now if she hadn’t fucked with me? Tyson and Mason have their mates, so I guess it’d be my turn now. But what she did stole that from me. Stole seven years from me where I could’ve been whole, could’ve lived differently. Could’ve anticipated meeting my mate instead of mourning her. Though, what good would it have done if she was my destiny anyway?
When I found out she’s a witch, my first thought was that she’d faked our connection. Cast a spell. But I’m told she’s my true mate. Maybe I couldn’t bring myself to move on because she wasn’t really gone.
Fuck me now or fuck me then; I guess it would’ve been the same. She’s here now because why? Because it’s my turn to mate? If she hadn’t shown up seven years early, I’d have had the past seven years to enjoy my life before being saddled with her, I guess.
Lorenzo moved on with Kathleen Brennan because he knows his wife is gone. He held her as she died.
Graydon moved on with Carrie because his first wife did things so heinous he had their connection severed. We don’t know what those things were but severing rarely happens with an alpha’s connection. As far as I know, it was a first for a council alpha in our pack. While Graydon hasn’t said what she did, clearly it was extreme enough to sever their connection while Grey was an infant.
I figured the first thing out of my mouth at seeing her would be a demand that our bond is severed. Instead, I wanted to grab her by those copper curls and bury myself so deep in her that I’d never find my way out.
