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It’s no lie. Even though we had enough of everythin’ while I was a kid, as I got older, I watched how tired Da was. He worked his fingers to the bone fer the Italian mafia, and Ma hardly ever saw him. When they were together, they were happy. They loved each other. But then one day he was gone.
“Life may seem easy ta those on the outside, but it doesn’t mean it is,” I continue. “Aye, I was lucky ta go ta a good school, and my parents could afford new clothes when I needed them. But I also realise my da didn’t spend enough time with me when I was growin’ up. Don’t get me wrong, he did his best, and when I was fifteen, I went ta work fer him, but it’s those moments with him when I was very young that I wish I’d had more of,” I tell her before I push away from the table and move ta the windows.
“I get it,” she responds softly.
I don’t look at her when I say, “And that’s why I know I can’t let this opportunity go. I have ta get ta know the wee lass.”
Never once did I think I would be a father. I never saw that happenin’ ta me. Mostly because I never thought I’d settle down with anyone.
“Aye, I understand,” Callia is behind me. I feel her warmth cocoonin’ me. I should be the one holdin’ her, but I can’t bring myself ta turn round. “Life isn’t easy or guaranteed, but ye know I’ll always be here fer ye,” she whispers as her hand lands on my shoulder, the heat of it searin’ through my T-shirt.
“I don’t know if ye should,” I tell her.
Two women have crawled into my heart. One ripped it apart, and I thought I was broken fer a while. The other has burrowed herself into my soul and will remain there forever. Now I have a third. A little girl who needs me ta be a man, ta be a father to her. I don’t want ta hurt anyone. If he was still alive, Da would be disappointed if I were ta do anythin’ like that. But what does that mean fer Callia and me.
I’ll never believe my decision ta let her in was a mistake, but on reflection, it was a lapse in feckin’ judgement. I don’t want Orla; I don’t love her. But I can’t commit to Callia when my past is still lingerin’. Not yet anyway. It’s not fair on her.
“What do ye mean, Rebel?” The hurt in Callia’s voice is clear.
There’s a crack in her words, and I know she’s on the verge of cryin’. I don’t want ta make her cry, but I’ve always broken hearts. Even when I didn’t think it was possible.
“I just don’t want ye ta be waitin’ on me forever, sweet dove.”
Before she can turn away, I cup her face in my hands. I’m not the tender, lovin’ boyfriend she deserves. Perhaps pushin’ her away is the only good thing I’ll ever do in my life.
My shinin’ star doesn’t like ta be told what ta do, though. I shoulda realised that because I’ve known her for so long. I can’t bring myself to say anythin’ more, and she takes that as her cue.
“Let me make somethin’ clear, O’Donnelly,” Callia spits out, usin’ my last name. “I’m not some fragile wee thing ye need to keep safe. I don’t need a hero, and I certainly don’t want a knight in shinin’ feckin’ armour. Ye know I’m not like those other girls ye’ve been with in the past. I don’t want ye fer the cut ye’re wearin’, and I don’t need the reputation of bein’ an old lady.”
Her voice is loud, and I’m pretty sure everyone can hear her now. I don’t care, though, because she needs ta get this out of her system. Maybe once she’s calmed a wee bit, she’ll realise I’m as broken as she is.
“I want ye, Rebel. Nobody else,” she continues. “And if ye come with a wee bairn, then so be it. I didn’t think I’d ever be a mam, but life throws ye challenges and ye’ve got ta face them. If ye want me ta leave, I’ll leave, but know this, I’m not givin’ up on ye. I’ve only just—”
Before she can finish her rant, I steal her lips with mine and press my mouth against hers. She’s soft, mouldin’ ta me as if she was always made ta be there. I don’t want ta listen ta her bein’ angry, and when she wraps her arms around my waist, I pull her even closer. There’s not an inch between us now. The fear that had taken hold of my chest, squeezin’ the life from me, slowly dissipates as I feel her warm me with those curves.
