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Out on the street, I walk towards the city. It’s easier ta get lost in the bustle of Belfast than in the suburbs where I might bump into people who’d recognise me.
I should have planned this better, but after last night, I’ve no choice but ta leave. There’s no future for me in that house. I know if I stay it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m raped. A shudder of revulsion races through me when I recall what happened.
Mrs Duffy has been allowing her bastard of a boyfriend and his mates to touch and kiss me for months. But now I’ve had my sixteenth birthday, I’ve a feelin’ the abuse won’t stop there. As long as Mrs Duffy gets the cocaine she needs from her boyfriend, it doesn’t matter what he and his friends want in return. And recently, what they’ve wanted is me. The thought of something more sinister happenin’ makes me even more determined ta get away.
I’ve seen movies and watched documentaries on telly where the victims speak about the aftermath of their abuse—how they still feel hot breath on their necks. How the single touch of a man is enough to send them into a panic attack. It didn’t make sense until I was in their shoes. Now I understand it better than anyone—the shame, the disgust, and the feeling of being nothin’ more than a helpless doll.
By the time I get into Belfast centre, I’m feckin’ exhausted. Mrs Duffy’s house isn’t too far out of the city, but walkin’ and drivin’ are two very different things. It’s still early on a Friday mornin’, and the streets are quiet.
The money I stole is enough ta get me out of Belfast. But where should I go? I decide ta walk ta the bus station and choose a random destination from the departure board. It doesn’t matter where it is, as long as it’s not in this city.
When I finally get ta the station, I scan the various places I could travel to. I have some money now, so that’s not a problem for the time bein’. But it won’t last long. My chest aches as I look at the names of countless towns and cities I’ve never heard of before. I don’t think I want ta travel all the way to England, but perhaps I can go south. There’s a bus leaving in thirty minutes, headin’ to Dublin.
That could be my escape.
My new start.
I buy the ticket before I can second guess myself. A new start is what I need. It will give me the freedom ta become someone else. Even though I’d prefer to live in the city I grew up in, there’s nothing left for me here anymore. I have ta focus on the future.
My chest aches when I think about what’s in store. I don’t have much of an education, which means that whatever job I do find, it’s not going to pay much. But I’ve survived worse.
I board the coach, and having placed the rucksack with all my belongings at my feet, I settle into my seat. I lean my head against the window and stare out at the world as it flies past.
I’ve brought with me my second-hand earphones I got at a charity shop, so I plug them into my old smartphone and press play.
The list of songs I created for when I walk ta school starts ta play, and as Jared Leto’s voice sings ta me through the miniature speakers, I close my eyes and allow myself ta calm. My breaths are deep and soothing as the vibration of the bus takes me to a brand new life.
I think about the house and the people I’ve escaped from. They’ll be wakin’ up right about now, thinkin’ I’ve gone ta school. But when I don’t return this evenin’, I know there’ll be panic because Mrs Duffy won’t get her money.
I don’t think she’ll look fer me, and I’ll finally be free. Sadly, she’ll find a new innocent child ta take in and abuse until there’s nothing left of them. Until they’re a shell of the person who first entered that feckin’ house.
I’m shaken by the shoulder, and when I open my eyes, I notice the bus has stopped. I look up at the man who’s loomin’ over me, and I almost scream until I realise he’s wearin’ a bus company uniform.
“We’re in Dublin, lass, best ye be gettin’ off unless ye want ta pay fer another trip back up north.” The bus driver offers me a smile before he makes his way ta the front of the vehicle again, leavin’ me ta collect my things.
I step off the bus and into the afternoon that’s turned cloudy. It could be an omen of things ta come. I never did believe in all that shite, but every now and then I think about fate, about what the universe has in store fer me, and I wonder if anythin’ will ever change fer the better.
