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I glance at Xander again, and he turns from the window to look at me. His face is hard, but his expression isn’t guarded.
Still, his eyes are so damn sad.
“I was fourteen weeks along. Xander had to go out on his boat to work that day, and I asked him not to go. And then the feeling just got stronger and stronger.”
I have to stop because my voice cracks, and then I wipe a tear away from my eye.
“Something was so wrong. I’d been to the doctor the day before, and everything was fine, but I knew in my gut that it wasn’t. As the feeling grew stronger, I started begging Xander. ‘Please don’t go to work. Stay with me. I think something’s wrong.’”
I shake my head and dab at more tears.
“I’d been really emotional throughout the pregnancy—more than usual—and I’m sure he thought I was being dramatic. But I didn’t care. I needed him to stay.”
“And I didn’t.”
All eyes turn to Xander when he speaks up.
“I didn’t believe that anything was wrong. We’d been to the doctor, got a clean bill of health, and I’m fucking psychic. I didn’t see anything wrong. I had to make the run-out. It was the last one before the holidays, and my crew depended on that money for their families. So, I kissed Lora goodbye, told her not to worry, and left.”
“Oh, shit,” Giles says, dragging his hand down his face.
“I was so scared,” I whisper. “And so mad. So freaking mad. For the first half of the day, nothing happened. So, I began thinking maybe I really was just being super dramatic, that it had simply been a stupid dream, and I’d be fine. I even had myself talked into that being the case, and although I was still peeved at Xander, I wasn’t as mad as I had been that morning.
“But then, around lunchtime, I was in the kitchen deciding if I wanted a sandwich or a salad when it suddenly felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach. I was doubled over in pain and couldn’t catch my breath. I tried to call Xander, but he didn’t have a signal out where he was. So, I called my doctor. He had an ambulance come get me and then met me at the hospital. But it was too late by the time I got there. There was no heartbeat.”
I blow my nose again.
“I was told I could naturally miscarry on my own, or they could do a procedure to take care of it there and then. All I wanted was Xander. It didn’t even occur to me that I should call anyone else—and I don’t mean for that to hurt anyone’s feelings. I wasn’t thinking, and—”
“It’s okay,” Mom says with a nod. “We understand what you mean.”
I blow out a breath and wipe my nose again. It’s sore from hitting the pole with my car and all the wiping, but I ignore it and finish my story.
“Our baby died in that hospital room, and I was all alone. I tried to be rational for a while and work through the anger and hurt, but I just couldn’t. It broke me, and it broke my relationship with Xander because how could I trust that when things hit the fan, I could depend on him?”
“That’s not fair,” Aunt Hilda says, shaking her head slowly. She wipes at a tear but continues talking. “My darling child, it wasn’t Xander’s fault you lost your sweet babe. It wasn’t his doing.”
“No, but he didn’t listen to me.”
“I made the most terrible mistake of my life,” Xander says, his voice rough and full of regret. “And if you think it doesn’t replay in my head every day, you’re wrong. I apologized. I grieved with you. I did everything I knew how to do after the fact.”
“But it wasn’t good enough.” Finished with tears, I take the blanket off my lap and set it aside. “Because you didn’t give me what I truly needed.”
“That’s bullshit.” This comes from Lucy, who’s glaring at me with hot green eyes. “That’s just pure bullshit, Lorelei. You’ve been punishing Xander for the death of your child for years because you need someone to blame, and he’s the easiest target. The truth is, there isn’t anyone to blame. He had a job to do, and with the information he had available to him, he thought it was safe to do it. I think most people would make the same decision.”
“But—”
“I’m not finished. You could have turned to any of the four women looking at you right now or my mom because she was still living at the time, and all of us would have dropped whatever we were doing to be with you. Saying it didn’t occur to you is a cop-out. You wanted to blame Xander. You’ve basically been throwing a temper tantrum for almost three years, and that’s just ridiculous.”
