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“Well, it’s a pretty big deal to me,” I said. “Even in high school I could barely manage a straight-B average. You’re a brainiac, aren’t you?”
“Shut up,” he said, puffing out a laugh, actually looking a little bit bashful again now that the conversation was about him again.
“My, what a big, big brain you have, Jax.”
“Big enough to think about throwing you over the edge of this bridge right now,” he said. He reached his hands out to my waist as if he were threatening to pick me up and toss me, but I caught his bluff, leaning into his touch.
“No way this part of the river is deep enough for that. You wouldn’t dare.”
“Never. I’m here to take care of you, and you know it.”
His hands lingered at my waist, just for another moment, before he dropped them away. It was like he was testing the waters, seeing how much he was allowed to touch me. How much I was okay with.
In reality, there was no limit, in my mind. I was pretty sure I’d let Jax touch me anywhere, anytime.
I let out a sigh, watching the glittering water. “I know you are. You’re here to take care of me, and you’re too damn good at it.”
“So why do you sound upset about that?”
I lifted an eyebrow, turning to him. “Because I mean it when I say that this is already the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with another guy, and it’s all fake.”
“Charlie,” he told me in a sad tone that made me regret everything I’d said.
“Sorry,” I said, waving a hand through the air. “Was that too real?”
“Nothing is too real. Real is all I want.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I’d been told that before—people telling me they wanted the honest truth, but getting spooked when I admitted too much to them.
There was a part of me that always felt like I should hold back. Even when I wished so badly I could just spill everything to Jax. Even when it felt like there was nothing that could scare him away.
“All I meant was that I don’t think I’d be capable of feeling this comfortable on any regular date,” I said.
He bit his lower lip, hesitating a second and running a hand through his hair. It seemed like he had something on his mind, but didn’t know if he should ask it.
“Do, uh, you have any dates lined up?” he finally said.
“Oh,” I said. I shook my head. “No. Hell, no. I’m not dating anytime soon. The irony of all this is that I’m banning myself from real relationships for a while. You’re all I’ve got.” I paused a moment, trying to gauge his reaction. “Boyfriend.”
Jax was silent for a bit, and the two of us leaned on the railing of the bridge, letting the chill breeze of the night air roll in.
“I want to ask you something,” Jax finally said to me.
“Shoot.”
“Have you ever been with a guy that’s, like…” he trailed off, clearing his throat. “Have you ever been with someone who was straight?”
“I’m with one right now, aren’t I?”
He looked down, letting out a sheepish laugh. “Come on. You know what I mean.”
“Sexually, you mean? I’ve been with all sorts of people,” I told him. “Certainly guys who thought they were straight. Guys who really were just curious. And other guys who experimented in with other men and then realized they were really into it.”
Jax’s eyes lit up at that comment. “That sounds really fun.”
I clicked my tongue, looking back out at the water. “Fun at the time. Most of the people I’ve been with turned out to be huge mistakes, though.”
“But it doesn’t necessarily mean someone is a mistake just because they weren’t the one,” Jax said. “Right?”
The faint sound of laughter filled the air from a far-off part of the festival.
Truthfully, I wished it were that simple. For a long time, I’d stayed upbeat and positive, even after years of failed relationships. But lately I’d been broken down. Burnt out. I wasn’t hopeless, but I sure as hell had less hope than I did when I was younger.
“Yeah, sure,” I said softly. “They weren’t all mistakes. But I can’t help but feel that way when I’m all alone, all over again.”
“Oh, bullshit,” Jax said. “I’m right here.”
I looked back over at him, pulling in a long breath of apple-cinnamon scented air. It was true that there was one big difference between Jax and other people—when he said he was “right here,” he actually meant it. He was always fully present in whatever he did. Not always checking his phone, not always with his head in the clouds like me. It must have been something to do with growing up with tons of siblings and never having enough attention, himself.
He really knew how to show other people that he was paying attention, and that he cared.
