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And I was suddenly getting hard again, after finally getting rid of my erection.
“I thought you were just messing with me,” I told him. “You actually want a goodnight kiss? Even with no cameras around?”
He paused for a moment, his expression changing. My question hung in the air, tense enough that I felt like I was waiting for something to snap.
When Jax finally spoke, he sounded lost in thought.
“When you realized you weren’t straight, did it happen kind of fast?”
I lifted my eyebrows, the change of topic catching me off guard. “Is that a real question, or are you still just trying to avoid sleeping?”
His gaze was unwavering. “It’s, uh, a very real question.”
Something danced inside me. I wasn’t just imagining it, or having wishful thinking about a straight guy like I’d done so many times when I was younger. Jax really was questioning his sexuality, regardless of the TV show.
I sat down next to him on the bed.
“You’re not going to like my answer,” I said.
“I bet I will.”
“Well, the truth is that I never really had to question who I was attracted to. I just knew. I was always kind of different, and I always liked other guys. But a ton of people do question it, and there’s nothing weird about that.”
Jax shifted on the bed, the mattress rocking a little. He hummed, then cleared his throat. Suddenly he seemed serious, reaching a hand up to his hair to nervously run his fingers through it.
“You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to,” he finally said, his voice quiet. “I don’t even know why I want it so badly. I’ve never really even cared about kissing that much before. I mean, it always felt good, obviously, but—I don’t know. It’s just different with you, I think. Fuck, I’m rambling. I just don’t want to, like, freak you out. You know?”
The spot behind my sternum ached like he’d just put a boulder on it. My thoughts swarmed.
He had no fucking clue what he was doing to me.
As if he was “freaking me out.” The only thing that freaked me out was how much I wanted it, too, and how much I knew it could hurt to hook up with guys who’d eventually drop me like a hot potato.
But then I looked at his lips. And the raw, pleading want in his eyes. And I was weaker than I’d ever been.
“I’m pretty sure there would never be a time when I wouldn’t want to kiss you, Jax,” I told him, my voice quiet. “There are so many things I would do with you.”
His eyes went a little wider, just for a moment.
And then a look of relief came across his face faster than I’d ever seen. Like a huge weight was off of his shoulders, now.
“Then let’s fucking do it.” He leaned in close to me, closing the short gap between us and catching my lips in a kiss. It was like he’d been waiting for the slightest signal, and now that I’d given it to him, he was free.
My breath hitched as he leaned in. I reached out and clutched the front of his shirt, tugging him toward me gently, like I’d lose myself without holding him.
And as soon as his lips were on mine, that heavy weight on my chest disappeared. His tongue slid against mine in a wet, hot rush. All of my instincts started to fire up, one by one, like giant, towering lights illuminating each part of me.
I didn’t just want to kiss him. I wanted all of him.
I wanted to taste him, to watch him come, to fuck him.
My whole body shuddered, and I broke off from our kiss, pulling in a sharp breath. There it was. A simple kiss, making me want way, way too much.
“There’s your kiss. Kept my promise,” I said with an urgency in my voice. My heart was pounding. “Now you keep yours. Get some sleep.”
I tried to keep my breathing even. He was biting his lower lip, looking at me like he was about to ignore everything I said and pull me right back in.
The old me would have let him.
Summoning the willpower to stand up from the bed was much harder than it should have been. But I did it. For years, I’d followed my desires blindly, and all it had gotten me was being hurt, time and time again.
If I ever wanted anything to change, I knew I had to change, too.
He let out a breath, but I couldn’t summon the strength to look in his eyes again. I knew I’d be too weak.
“Okay. Good night, Charlie,” Jax said as he tucked under the sheets.
“Sleep well,” I told him, heading over to the door. I heard him yawn deeply, not trying to hide his tiredness anymore.
