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Worried.The liquid word warms my skin. This is exactly why I used to worry him on purpose. It feels so good to be worried about, to be cared for, even by a man who disdains me.
Although…he doesn’t seem like he disdains me anymore. Maybe it took five months of being separated for him to finally forgive me.
No. I can’t think that way. It’s fruitless. I don’t want to be with him anymore, even if he has forgiven me.
I haven’t forgiven him.
A while later, we’re driving silently along the highway, and I use the opportunity to take in his appearance. I keep my head directed at my phone so he hopefully won’t notice.
My throat grows tight. His skin is drawn, and his eyes are sunken. He’s gotten so thin since our separation. Almost gaunt.
I hate seeing it.
“Mark, you don’t look good.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Thank you, sweetheart.”
“Have you scheduled your doctor’s appointment”
“Not yet, but I don’t need a doctor.” He smirks. “I need my beautiful wife back in my arms.”
I snort. “You mean, you need your beautiful wife in your home while you’re out in the arms of other women?”
He chuckles. “What a fucking cliché I am, huh? I cheated on my wife for years, and here I am, at death’s door now that she’s gone. I’ve kind of become my dad, in a way.”
“You’re not like your dad.” I soften my voice. “You were at least aware of what you were doing. Your dad thought infidelity was just what men did, like he was entitled to it for all of his hard work. And I don’t like you saying you’re at death’s door. I think I’m going to schedule your doctor appointment myself. I’m still technically your wife.”
He sighs heavily, and the air grows thick with silence. I shouldn’t have said that. Whenever I’ve tried to take care of him these last five months, he becomes almost despondent.
I understand. He’s losing the person who took care of him for half his life. I never felt more adrift than when I lost my mom, even after decades of taking care of myself.
“I’ll be honest,” Mark says. “I’ve been having a really tough time since I found out…” He lifts a hand and scratches the back of his head. “I found out you have…a guy you’re seeing.”
The brittleness in his voice makes an uncomfortable heat break out over my skin. He never used to talk this way before our separation. I knew he was hurt over what I did, but he never admitted his feelings like this.
Anger was so much easier to deal with than this aching vulnerability. I want to reach out and touch him, comfort him, but I can’t. It would give him hope.
It would confuse me too.
I swallow. “Cole told you?”
“Not voluntarily.” He huffs out a humorless laugh. “I kind of weaseled it out of Livvy, to be honest. I asked her to meet me at Starbucks so she could pray for me, and then I begged her to tell me.”
“Oh, Mark. I can’t imagine Cole is very happy with you.”
“No, he isn’t.” He smiles. “He actually sent me a picture of his friend Zac yesterday and asked what I thought of him as his new stepdad. He said Zac’s always thought you were hot.”
I burst into laughter, and Mark joins me. The lightness between us feels as natural as the air. Why is it so familiar?
I guess we did laugh quite a bit over the years, though only about the kids, but those moments were precious.
There’s nothing as warm and tender as the shared joy over children, and I’ll never have this with anyone else.
It makes me want to weep.
Oh God, I can’t think this way. I’m moving on. In two weeks from now, I’ll be having sex with my third ever sexual partner, and who knows? Maybe he’ll be my last.
If I’m going to start something with Stephen, I need to maintain the wall between Mark and me.
