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His eyes shine ashe stares up at me. The mixture of adoration and despair on his face is so overwhelming I want to run away.
But I can’t. I’m locked in place.
“Please, Whitney.”
I swallow to loosen the knot in my throat. “Mark…”
“Please. Oh God. I’m begging you. I’ll do absolutely anything.” Streams of water fall down his cheek, glistening under the porch light. “I can’t bear this. It will kill me.”
Mist rises to my eyes at the brokenness in his voice. “No, it won’t. You’ll be okay. It’s better this way. I don’t want to keep you in limbo.”
“Let me stay in limbo! I don’t mind being in limbo if I can have some part of you.”
I swallow. “You deserve more than—”
“No, I don’t!” He squeezes my thighs so tightly, I nearly fall forward, but I brace myself on his shoulders. He doesn’t seem to notice. “This is all my fault. I should have worshiped you. I should have let you have whatever you wanted. If you come back to me, I will. Anything you want. You can even keep fucking him. Or anyone you want. As long as you come home to me. As long as you’re mine, you can have whatever…”
His face falls against my thighs, and the sound that comes in next sends a chill down my spine. It’s a cry of despair. A cry of grief. Oh God, I can’t bear this. He’s losing his mind.
“Mark.” I swallow. “I know you’re upset, but you don’t mean any of this. You wouldn’t be happy like that.”
He shakes his head against my thigh, and wetness seeps into my sweats. “I wouldn’t be happy. But it would be enough. Anything would be enough compared to this.”
He pulls away and looks up at me, and the sight is like a knife in my heart. His face is so full of longing and misery. “Please, Whitney. Take pity on me. I’m not a vengeful, punishing man. Not anymore. That man is dead. The man in front of you right now will do anything to keep you.”
I inhale a shaky breath. “Can you let go of me?”
His arms immediately drop to his sides, and my thighs tingle at the loss of pressure. I take a step back, and his eyes are full of anticipation.
“I’m going inside. It’s time for you to go home. Maybe take a walk on the property first, to clear your head.”
He nods jerkily, but his eyes are still full of…mournful longing. Oh God, this is misery. This is the worst pain…
As I turn around and walk briskly inside, something akin to panic descends over me.
No, not this. Please not this.
CHAPTER13
Whitney
I can’t bear this.It will kill me.
Mark’s words from three weeks ago echo on loop in my head.
God damn this anxiety. I’ve been working so hard on self-care since the separation. It doesn’t make any sense that this is happening now.
“Mom!” Maddy calls from upstairs. “I can’t find my Converse.”
“I’ll help you in a minute,” I shout.
When I stand up from the couch, the world goes black. It’s only when my head jerks up that I realize I had a fainting spell. A cold electricity skitters over my skin. This isn’t good. It wouldn’t be safe to drive Maddy to school right now. I could faint at the wheel.
Without giving myself a chance to reflect, I lift my phone and press Mark’s name on my contact list. He picks up on the first ring.
“What’s up?” he says, and my chest seizes at the sound of his voice. So broken. So brittle. As if no time has passed since that moment on the porch. Blackness descends over me.
A loud thud sounds on the floor, and I stumble to catch my balance. When I glance down, my phone is sitting face up. I take a deep breath as I crouch down and pick it up.
