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CHAPTER1
SIENNA
That’s it. Ten days is long enough for this pity party.
My tiny bedroom is shrouded in darkness thanks to the wonderful invention of blackout blinds. I’m cocooned snuggly in my duvet, surrounded by snotty tissues. The Salvator Brothers being the closest I’ve come to human interaction. My life is just one disaster after another.
Ten days ago I walked in on my fiancé, now ex-fiancé, balls deep in some leggy blonde as he bent her over the kitchen counter. My world was crumbling as my heart shattered. He was too busy entertaining his guest to notice me hurl my engagement ring at his head and storm out. I shudder at the memory.
The persistent prick is obviously now racked with guilt, as despite being blocked in every way possible, he continues to reach out.
During my ten days of avoiding sunlight and wallowing, the realization dawned on me. My sadness wasn’t for Jamie cheating specifically. I think I was in love with the idea of him, rather than truly him.
Maybe I am just unlovable. I sigh, tucking the duvet up even tighter around my neck. Being abandoned by your own father and neglected by your alcoholic mother doesn’t muster much for self-esteem. Something my therapist and I are trying to hash out. Somehow, I’d let the illusion of love and needing a man cloud my judgment. All I wanted was for someone to show me I was enough.
I’ve spent my whole life caring for myself, before leaving my toxic family home in London. At eighteen, I uprooted my life for a sociology scholarship at Columbia University. That teenager I was then, with a spring in my step, would be pissed to see me in this state now.
I snatch my phone off the bare nightstand, the light from it almost blinding me. I have to blink through my teary eyes to focus. Twenty-four missed calls and three texts. I rub my temples, trying to ease the pulsating headache as I open up the latest onslaught of Jekyll and Hyde messages.
Unknown
Babe, please call me back. I am so sorry. It is not what you think.
Wow, I didn’t realize you could confuse watching his cock slide in and out of another woman. This one almost makes me chuckle.
Unknown
I need you, I miss you, please call me
Unknown
You know you NEED me, just get over it
Me
Fuck OFF.
Rage jolts through me as I hurl my phone to the floor with a thud. Tossing my head back with a huff against my pink fluffy pillows, the tears are now free-flowing down my cheeks. I was so almost happy, with a good steady paralegal job at a top 10 law firm in Manhattan. It just wasn’t my dream job of working in social care. I had a fiancé. It wasn't an all-consuming passion and love, but I felt safe. I knew something was missing. I didn't want to face it because at least I had managed to run away from my old life in London. At least this wasbetter.
It is always my problem. I crave more, more out of life, more out of relationships, and it has gotten me this far. I have a fire within me that tells me I can do better, so I work my ass off to not become my mother.
Just chuck me a bottle of vodka right now, though, and the resemblance is there. An absolute shit show.
“I will always choose you.” Damon’s deep voice booms through my room from the small flatscreen plonked on my dresser. Don’t we all secretly love a bad boy?
Jamie was sweet, reliable, and secure. Three things I thought I needed, not wanted. He pushed me to find my job for financial security to build a base to pursue my dreams. He took me on dates. He asked how my day was when I would get home from work. But there was always something missing. There was never that spark. That’s one thing I’m relieved about. I’ll never have to fake an orgasm with him again. He wasn’t a bad partner in that department, he just wasn’t enough. After asking him to grab my throat, he stopped and looked at me like I had two heads. It’s safe to say I never bothered asking him for anything else again, sexually speaking. Boy, did I fantasize about finding a man who would.
He’d open doors for me with a cute smile, but never slap my ass on the way through. I don’t crave sweet affection. I never really got so much as a hug from my mom on my birthday.I crave the feeling of being claimed, owned, and used. It might be wrong, being so fiercely independent in every other aspect from such a young age, but this one part of me I needed to be brought to life.
Maybe one day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have read my fair share of romance novels. But not the sweet swoony type with a perfect happily ever after. I read the darkest of the dark. You know, the kind where her alpha hole lover sends her the enemy’s hand in a parcel with half the book smothered in dirty kinky smut. Maybe I’m getting this whole romance thing wrong.
The apartment door crashes open, followed by the clang of keys being hurled into a glass bowl. The clicking of stilettos on the oak flooring echoes throughout the apartment, becoming louder and louder. Shit, I promised Maddie that today is the day I get my shit together. My current position looks the exact opposite of that.
“SIENNA ANDERSON, I swear to God I better not be hearing Damon Salvatore on that TV coming from your room, or so help me!”Maddie bellows from down the hallway, and I cringe. I must be the worst roommate in history.
I pounce to the bottom of the plush double bed, rifling through the insane amounts of decorative pillows piled there, frantically searching for the TV remote. Suddenly, my eyes burn from the stream of natural light as the door flings open.Christ, maybe I am turning into a vampire.
