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Still nothing from Alice.
I check my watch. It’s nearly four o’clock. Too early for a drink, really, but hey, the sun’s over the yardarm somewhere in the world, right? And I feel anxious, and need something to help me chill out. I pour myself a whisky over ice, add a splash of mineral water from the fridge, and take it into the living room.
Then I text her again.Hey! Just checking, is everything okay? No worries at all if you’re busy, but just want to make sure all is well :-) x
I sip the whisky while I browse the ‘Today I Fucked Up’ subreddit, pulling a face as I read a post by a guy who mistakenly used some kind of facewash for lube while he masturbated and ended up losing the top layer of skin on his family jewels. Jesus. Now I need to go bleach my eyeballs. I’m engrossed in the comments and physically jump when the phone buzzes in my hands. I feel a swell of relief—it’s Alice calling.
“Hey,” I say. “Good to hear you. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay.” Except she doesn’t sound okay. Her voice is low, and not filled with the breathless, bubbly excitement it normally holds when we speak.
I sit up and put my whisky on the table. “What’s going on? Is there something wrong?”
She’s quiet for a moment. I can hear birdsong in the background—she’s sitting outside on the deck. “I’m sorry,” she says.
I frown. “What for?”
“Kip… I really am sorry. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. All the presents you’ve bought me. All the time we’ve had together.”
Alarm bells ring in my head. “Wait, what’s the—”
“But I can’t see you anymore,” she finishes.
My heart seems to shudder to a stop, clattering against my ribs like a rack of saucepans. “Hold on,” I say, surprised at how calm I sound. “What’s happened?”
“It doesn’t matter. I really don’t want to argue with you about it.”
“I don’t want to argue with you either, but you do need to tell me what’s going on. I deserve an explanation if you’re abandoning me, don’t I?” It comes out half-amused—she can’t be serious, surely?
“That’s fair,” she murmurs. She takes a deep breath. “Charlie’s home. And she told me today that she’s fallen in love. He’s an engineer, and he’s got a job in Auckland, and he’s asked her to marry him and go with him. She’s broken it off because she promised me she’ll come home and share Mum’s care. But she’s absolutely devastated. And… I can’t have that, Kip.”
I get to my feet and walk over to the window. I’m not seeing the beauty of the view, though. It feels as if the hills and harbor have been turned into a wasteland by a nuclear bomb.
“So you’re breaking up with me?” I whisper.
“I can’t have her give up the chance to be with him for me,” she says. “I just can’t.”
My spine is rigid, and I’m surprised the phone isn’t buckling under the strength of my grip. “And how does she feel about you doing exactly that? Giving up the chance of happiness for her?”
“She’s not happy about it. We’ve been arguing all afternoon. She didn’t want me to call you. But maybe now I’ve done it, she’ll have to accept it.” She sounds calm, resigned. And I know why.
“You expected this,” I reply, stunned. “You didn’t ever think we’d end up together.”
“Life’s not a fairy tale,” she says.
“So you’re not going to fight for me?”
“Don’t make this about you, Kip. It’s got nothing to do with my feelings for you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant you’re not going to fight forus?”
“Don’t.” Her voice is a hoarse whisper. “This is incredibly hard. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I miss you so much it hurts. But I’ve made all these sacrifices over the years, and if Charlie doesn’t get her happy ending, it’ll all have been for nothing.”
“Honey, I’m sorry for sounding so harsh, but that’s bullshit. You’ve dedicated your life to caring for your mother, and that’s extremely admirable, and I’m so proud of you I want to burst, but there’s a point where it becomes a martyr complex. Neither of you have to give up everything. I told you that there’s a solution to every problem, and I still believe that.”
“It’s easy for you to say when you have unlimited funds and a wealthy family to support you. I have an aunt who’s a full-time nurse with four children who generously gives up a few days of her precious holiday to look after Mum. We have my carer’s allowance and Mum’s benefit and whatever I can make through Wonderland. And that’s it. That’s not me being dramatic. And I wasn’t being a martyr when I made the decision several years ago to give Charlie the things that I couldn’t have. I didn’t want both of us to lead empty lives.”
“That’s very honorable, but it’s not your fault you’re the eldest, and I’m sure that Charlie feels uncomfortable with your decision.”
