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For some reason the way he says that makes emotion well up from my chest and into my throat.
“Shit, Luce,” he says with a frown. “I didn’t mean anything by that.”
I shrug. “It’s fine. I was just a pregnant kid.”
“You were never just anything. I’m an asshole though.”
“You’re not.” I shake my head. “It just hurts to think about who I was back then, you know?”
He stares at me but he doesn’t speak, allowing me to go on talking without feeling the need to interrupt or make me feel better.
“I was so messed up. I can hardly believe it was just four years ago. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was another lifetime and she was a different person. Does that sound crazy?”
“Not at all.”
“I worry that I’ll wake up one day and it will all go away. Like it won’t have really happened or I don’t really deserve it. I mean what happened to me is kind of a fairytale, right? Having Alejandro and Alana adopt me. So, why me?” I feel a tear running down my cheek and wipe it away quickly. I hate crying.
Jax shuffles across the hardwood floor until he is sitting close to me. “You went through enough shit to last four lifetimes before you wound up here, Luce. You deserve nothing but happiness. And they adopted you because you were an amazing kid.” He bumps his shoulder against mine.
I turn and look at him. “Thanks.”
He stares into my eyes. “You’re still pretty amazing now,” he whispers and something passes between us that makes the wet heat pool between my thighs. Surely I am imagining this and he’s not looking at me like that? I have wanted this for so long, I’m seeing things that aren’t really there.
Electricity crackles between us as I stare back at him and for a heart-stopping moment, I think he’s going to kiss me. His head dips forward, so close that I smell his incredible cologne. His breath skitters over my cheek and I hold mine in anticipation.
“Momma!” An ear splitting screech fills the room and my heart starts again as though I’ve been hit with a defibrillator. “Momma!”
“Matthias.” I jump to my feet and race out of the room with Jax close on my heels. One of my father’s armed guards is standing in the hallway with his weapon drawn and an anxious look on his face. There is always at least one of them in this house, but they have developed the unique skill of being able to live in the shadows, so much so, that I often forget they are there. I recognize this one though because he has been assigned to protect me many times before.
“It’s okay, Enrico. He has nightmares sometimes,” I say as I place a hand on his arm and he holsters his weapon before I run up the stairs to my son, taking them two at a time.
As I run into Matthias’ room, he continues to shout and scream, his body twisted in the covers as he thrashes on the bed. I sit beside him and pull him into my arms. His body is damp with sweat.
“Momma,” he whimpers.
“I know, munchkin. I’m right here,” I soothe as I stroke his hair.
Jax looks at us both, his face full of concern.
“He has night terrors sometimes,” I whisper. “Although he hasn’t had any for a while.”
“Oh,” Jax frowns, “poor kid.”
“He’ll be fine. He doesn’t even remember them in the morning. Could you fetch me some clean pajamas? They’re in the dresser.”
“Sure.” Jax nods and walks across the room to the dresser while I start to peel Matthias’ damp clothes from his body. He is completely relaxed now, while still sleepy and he smiles at Jax as he walks back toward us.
“I chose the dinosaur ones,” Jax says.
“Cool.” Matthias smiles sleepily as he looks up at the man standing in front of him. He adores Jax. They talk about dinosaurs and superheroes and boy stuff that I have no interest in. Matthias spends a lot of time with my father and they have a beautiful relationship. He is so close in age to my little brothers that I never worry about him not having enough male influences in his life, but seeing him with Jax makes me feel guilty that his father isn’t around.
Jax would be an amazing dad. Despite who he is and the role he plays in my father’s organization, he has endless patience when it comes to the people he cares about. I suppose I am fortunate that my son and I are some of the few lucky people to be in that particular club, and I should be thankful for that. So why does it feel like it’s no longer enough? Why can’t I stop wanting more from him?
“Can you check on the twins for me?” I ask. There isn’t a sound coming from next door and my little brothers could sleep through an earthquake, but Matthias’ screams were pretty loud.
“Sure,” he says as he ruffles Matthias’ hair. “Night, buddy.”
My son yawns. “Night, Jax.”
