AllFreeNovel
Share Us
ONE
Damon
It really is quite unfortunate that I decided to try that lip stain ten minutes ago because now my lips are the size of a blowfish as I scream my way across the yard toward the neighbor’s house. Not to mention the green tea facemask smeared across my face and the much too short silk robe inching up around my thighs. I can feel my balls hitting my legs as I run and wonder if anyone can see where they hang.
The dogs sure saw them and looked mighty impressed. All of them had theirs chopped off ages ago. Sad, sad doggos.
I reach down and adjust myself and then realize I’ve just flashed all of the town.
Well, it’s too fucking bad what any human around here thinks. I was waxing myself earlier. Don’t hate on my manscaping. I need to look fabulous for the cameras. People don’t pay to see a hairy ass or a hairy dick. Well, I mean, some people definitely do, but they sure as hell don’t pay to see mine. They love me all nice and smooth, and I’m all about giving the people what they want. It’s what brings the money in, and if I don’t have that then what do I have?
Not much.
Not fucking much.
My feet slap on the pavement and for a moment I worry about the pedicure I just got, but then discard it because there is athingin the kitchen. With too many legs. Oh my god, what kind of creature isthat?
Oh god, the country is a scary place. They don’t have insects like that in the city. I, for one, have a bug man that comes monthly. He’s big and burly and kills all the creatures. He’s my dream man.
The neighbor’s open garage with the light on beckons me, and I charge right for the lowrider lifted up on jacks in the driveway.
As I approach, my neighbor rolls out from underneath the car, looking much too hot and tanned and tattooed. Just a conglomeration of color and muscles that makes my head spin and my dick perk up. He seems like a tough guy, all masculine and dirty. Probably squishes bugs like this for fun. With his fingers. Probably doesn’t even use a napkin.
I’d spoken to Tomas once when I visited my friend Carter’s family home a while ago, but we haven’t interacted since. And really, this isn’t something I’d normally do, but this is anemergency. I considered calling 911, but then decided against it. I’m not sure the firemen would appreciate my diva, although, I’d sure appreciate looking at them in uniform.
Besides, this is the neighborly thing to do. He needs to help me.
“Emergency,” I squeak through my swollen lips. It comes out more like “emergenfie,” but who cares. My panic is conveyed on my face, well, my eyeballs really. He can read the fear loud and clear.
Tomas blinks up at me, most likely confused as to what he is seeing. It’s quite unfortunate since usually I look fabulous. I admit, I’m not at my best right now. I’m not making the greatest second impression. And the first was a bit sad as well. I’m just never at my best around this hunk of a man.
“Der if a fing in the house…” I flap my hands around and then extend my hand to show him how big it was. It was at least as big as my arm, quite possibly bigger. It was basically a monster from another realm.
“A fing?” he asks, his voice low and raspy. It is disgustingly sexy. It should be criminal to have a straight man sound like that.
“A FING,” I reply as I bob my head. His eyes move from my face down to my legs and then back up again. Not checking me out, but more…amused by what I’m wearing. He’s probably never seen a man in a silk robe before. Men like him only wear scratchy things, I’m sure. Well, then I hope to expand his horizons. Perhaps I will buy him one as a thank-you present. He will be converted and never go back.
“Yeah, okay. Give me a second. Then I’ll check out this fing.”
He sits up, those muscles flexing as he pushes himself up to his feet. He pulls a rag out of the back of his pants and wipes his oil-stained hands. Gross and super manly, is what that is. Does he have to be so tempting?
“Where is it?” he asks, and I motion for him to follow me. We trudge across the grass toward the house owned by Tasmin and Amara, Carter’s moms. I’m house-sitting here in Ramona while they spend the week in Sacramento with Hannah for a school trip. Carter and his boyfriend, Reed, are back in Kansas, visiting Bennet’s family. I’m watching the moms’ three dogs—not that they were any help to me in the midst of this crisis. They just sniffed at me and then went back to bed. One even farted in my face as a goodbye.
Useless mutts. I don’t know why people even have dogs. They seem like a lot of smelly work. And I caught one of them dragging his butt along the carpet earlier.
Do not sit on the carpet. I repeat. Do. Not.
“Here,” I say as I open the front door and then refuse to go inside. “Is in da kitchen,” I say and waggle my hand toward the entrance. “Unner a cuck.” God, I hope it’s under the cup.
Tomas’s eyebrows rise but he smartly doesn’t utter a word, just steps into the house and walks toward the kitchen. I follow behind him on my tiptoes, my eyes scanning the wood floors for more ungodly creatures that might have snuck in while I was gone. It’s like the Jurassic era all over again. What other monsters lurk in this house…in the walls? Probably things that could eat me whole.
“This it?” he asks as he approaches the thing under the cup.
“Mhm.”
He chuckles and squats down and my eyeballs linger on his ass for a minute. It is a very nice and round butt, a straight one too. Well, according to the moms anyway. He’s as straight as an arrow. Unfortunately. I’d like to see him in one of my hand-knitted penis pouches. I’d so enjoy that.
“It looks like a centipede.”
