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I'm not special. I'm a monster.
"Allura, wake up! Please!"
A sob wrenches from my chest, and he laughs, drinking more of my life.
I want to die.
I want this to end.
"Allura! Dammit! Just open your eyes."
My eyelids drift shut ...
***
When my eyelids snap open again, my eyes are swollen fr
om crying. I'm no longer stuck in the memory of being in my cell with the visitor. I'm lying in the grass, bits of cotton float from a tree and whirl around me, and my hair whips in the gentle breeze.
Sitting up, I rearrange my dress and soak up the sunlight gleaming from the crystal blue sky. As I stretch out my legs, my toes dip into the pond, and the warm water soothes the fear the memory instilled in me.
I hate remembering what the visitors did to me, but those images are branded into my mind like my number. They were always forcing me to do stuff, and so many always commented about the moonstone walls in my cell. I never thought too much about it before, but what if there was a reason?
Another memory pokes at the back of my thoughts of me lying down in Zinnia's tent with my face pressed to the ground. But the images cut off after that, like a broken clip in a movie.
Sighing, I rest back on my elbows and let the calmness of this place settle over me. My chest has completely healed, and my red dress is no longer soaked with blood.
What happened, exactly? How did I get here?
The last thing I can remember is Wrath shooting me with a dreamland dart ...
Oh. I'm in dreamland. But then, why is this place so serene? Has Blaise entered my mind?
I look around, wondering if he's out there somewhere, but all I can see are high-peaked hills.
I face the pond again, combing my fingers through the grass as the water ripples and the lily pads float toward the muddy shore.
"I think I like this place even better than the tree one." Blaise appears in front of me with his arms folded.
I scoot back, startled. "You scared me."
"Sorry." He uncrosses his arms and lowers his hands to his side, glancing around at the land.
He looks different from the last time I saw him. His black leather jacket, grey shirt, and cargo jeans are no longer filthy and stained with blood, and the cuts and bruises on his face have healed.
"You're not hurt anymore," I say, tucking my legs to the side.
His gaze falls on me. "I heal quickly."
I rest my hand on my chest. "Like me?"
"Not quite." He hikes up the shallow hill and plops down on the grass beside me. "I'm glad you do. I don't think I could handle it if you ..."
If I what? I'm dying to know, but another thought occurs to me.
"Did Ryder and Reece make it out okay? Are we okay? Did Wrath capture us? Did you free the prisoners?"
He blinks at me. "Which question do you want me to answer first?"
I pluck at the grass. "Sorry. I didn't mean to ask so many."
"It's okay." He stares at the water. "Ryder and Reece are okay. Ryder wasn't hurt as badly as we originally thought, and we were able to stitch him up. I had those antibiotics Mable gave me, too, so he shouldn't get an infection." He pauses to take a breath. "Wrath is dead. I managed to make it back to the camp and unlatch all the grates, but I didn't have enough time to make sure they all got out." He grows silent for a moment. "And we did escape, but I really need you to wake up, because I'm pretty sure the Forsaken are going to try to come after us, and we need to get to the station as quickly as possible."
Guilt clenches at my chest. "They're chasing us because of me, because of what they think I am." Even though I don't want to say what I'm about to say, I think I have to. "Maybe you should just leave me--"
"Don't say it." Blaise's rough voice sends me cowering back. He snags ahold of my arm and pulls me toward him. "We're not leaving you behind."
"But the Deorum said I'm different. What if I'm dangerous--"
"I don't care what the Deorum said. We don't even know what they are. For all we know, they could've been lying."
I wet my dry lips with my tongue. "But they could've been telling the truth. Some of the stuff I see and do ... I'm not normal, Blaise."
"Neither am I." The raw emotion in his voice catches me off guard. He quickly clears his throat, collecting himself. "When we get to the station, Reece is going to hook you up to Oblivion, and then we'll figure all this out. But until then, I need you to wake up so we can get to the station."
I nod, but inside, I'm frightened, not just of the world, but of myself. Something isn't right about me. I long to sip life from humans' veins and bask in the taste of quercu. I can heal quickly. I remember strange things that don't seem to belong in this world. And everyone who crosses my path declares that I'm different. One day, I know it's going to catch up with me, and when that happens, I have a feeling the people around me might suffer.
"I'm kind of afraid to wake up," I admit.
He catches a piece of cotton in his hand and inspects it. "Why?"
I lower my head in shame. "Because they saw ... Reece, Ryder ... you... You saw me try to eat the quercu. They're probably afraid of me."
He hooks a finger underneath my chin, tipping my head up. "Reece and Ryder ... We all care about you, more than we have anyone in a very long time."
"But I'm a monster."
"You're not a monster." He looks away, his chest rising and crashing with each breath. "If anything, I'm a monster. I've hurt so many people."
Shaking my head, I reach out and cup his cheek. "You're not a monster. What you did in the tent was done to save us."
When he lets out an unsteady breath, I remember he doesn't like being touched and pull away.
He stares down at my hand, his brow furrowed. "I want you to come back with me." He blinks, focusing on me. "I know you're afraid, but you don't need to be." He offers me his hand. "So, will you come back with me? Will you wake up?"
I feel like there's so much more to his question. Will I wake up? Will I face my fears? Will I accept my guilt and move on? Will I be brave?
Or will I stay here and hide like a coward as I've been doing.
He's giving me a choice. I've never really had that before, and I want to make the right one. So, I nod, agreeing to go back with him.
"All right, Blaise, let's wake up."
He nods once, and then I feel myself being dragged away from dreamland and back into reality.
Chapter Eighteen
Home
When I wake up again, I'm lying on a hard surface, and the sky above is half-bleeding as the sun starts to wake up. There are fingers pressed to my temple, but they quickly move away.
"We're making a plan," Blaise whispers, "so you have a few minutes, okay?"
I nod, grateful, and remain lying there with my eyes closed. I count each beat of my heart, giving myself a few moments before I take a deep breath of dry air, sit up, and glance around. I'm sitting on a boulder to the side of the dusty path that zigzags between the jagged cliffs. Just beyond the rock, Blaise, Ryder, and Reece are huddled together, speaking in a hushed tone.
"I know where we are," Reece says. "I counted the steps."
"You were pretty out of it, though," Ryder says. He's standing upright, awake and alert. The only evidence that he was injured is the blood stains on his jacket and a gash on the side of his neck.
His miraculous recovery confuses me. He was on the brink of death, and now he's suddenly okay? Can he heal, too, like Blaise and I? Perhaps. Or maybe he just wasn't as injured as I thought.
"Can we please just pick a way to go?" Blaise rubs his hand over the shaved side of his head, staring down the path. "If we don't get out of here soon, they're going to catch up with us."
"We need to find the quickest route." Reece draws the hood of his worn jacket over his head. "We have very limited supplies. We're going to get severely dehydrated before we make it back, and we have maybe two meals total."
Blaise adjusts the bag Calla gave him higher onto his shoulder. "We can figure all that out on the way back. We just need to go."
"Maybe the team got your signal," Ryder tells Reece. "And they'll send out a rescue team."
"Maybe." Reece appears doubtful, though. "Blaise is probably right. We should go and figure stuff out on the way."
"Okay," Ryder agrees. "But what are we going to do with Allura? Sh
e's not awake yet. Someone is probably going to have to carry her."
The three of them turn their head toward me. Surprise flashes across Reece and Ryder's expressions, while Blaise looks ... well, kind of proud.
A smile instantly replaces Ryder's shock, and he hurries toward me. "Hey, you're up."
I force a nervous smile. "Yeah."
He stops at the side of the rock and extends his hand to me. "Are you ready to go? I can carry you if you want. I'm sure you're really tired."
I glance from his hand to his face. The kindness I saw in his eyes when he first rescued me is still there.
"I'm fine. I-I can walk." I stand up, take his hand, and let him help me off the rock. When I move to slip my fingers out of his, he constricts his grip, holding on tightly, and then guides me over to Blaise and Ryder.
"Are you okay to walk?" Reece's gaze sweeps over me. "After you were hit with two dreamland darts in less than twenty-four hours, you should probably let one of us carry you so your body can rest."
I shake my head, tucking strands of my tangled hair behind my ears. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Reece asks, rubbing a cut running across his forehead.
His worry confuses me. So does Ryder's hand in mine. They saw me try to eat the quercu. How can they be okay with that?
"I'm fine," I repeat, unsure of what else to say.
Reece lets his arm fall to his side. "If you change your mind, let one of us know. I don't want you wearing yourself out."
When I nod, Blaise drops the bag to the ground and retrieves a pair of boots and a leather jacket along with a bottle of water.
"These were in here." He hands me the items. "I think the shoes might be a little big, but it's better than walking barefoot."
I take the clothes and shoes from him and slip them on. My legs are still exposed to the dry air and sun, but whatever damage they do to my skin will probably heal.
After I get the jacket zipped up, I chug a few swallows of water, but stop myself before I down the whole bottle. If we're low on supplies, then I need to go easy.
I twist the cap back on and hand Blaise the water.
"Are you sure you drank enough?" he asks without taking the bottle from me.
I nod. "I know we don't have a lot. I'll be fine for a while."
He reluctantly takes the water from me and sets it in the bag. "If you get thirsty, tell me, okay?"
I nod, feeling Ryder's gaze on me. When I glance at him, he's staring at my legs and rubbing the back of his neck.
