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But now?
Now she’s getting in my head.
When I get really weak, I swear I can hear her berating me for everything I’ve done wrong.
I told you, Elva.Her snide voice bounces around, sometimes whispering, sometimes yelling. I can’t tune her out.I said you would get hurt if you left me, and look where you are now. You failed. I was right.
Groaning, I fall back. An indeterminate amount of time passes before I drag myself back to the tiny cot. I have no strength left to pull myself up, but I try. My jagged fingernails catch on the fabric of a lumpy pillow. I yank it down and cover my head.
This is still better than the Winter Court, Mother.
At least I’m allowed to have feelings here.
Chapter15
I Want To Forget
NATHANIEL
Idon’t remember the rest of last night. The last few images that are still accessible are hazy. Even then, I probably wouldn’t even remember Cherie’s wedding and the celebration afterward if they hadn’t shocked me out of drunkenness.
Mattias spins Cherie around. She is laughing so hard that I am worried she isn’t breathing properly. Lucinda is off with her group of social butterflies (some of whom literally have butterfly wings) gossiping about who tricked who, her daughter’s perfect wedding, and of course, who Andrius is with now.
The dancing circle forms and I am among the first to jump in. We spin so fast that the world tilts sideways, and the contents of my stomach threaten to make an appearance. The wild melody comes to a close. Filled with laughter, all the Fae in their bright, outrageous costumes break away from the ring.
Something about Cherie’s wedding has softened my heart, and I even accept when the female next to me with the lily petal pantsuit asks me to dance.
We drink and dance with abandon.
I pirouette around with her, elevating her small body above me in a frivolouspas de deux. No sooner has Petal Pants come back down than a bit of black, curly hair catches the corner of my eye. I stop dead in my tracks, and my entire body freezes. My heart, my lungs, my feet. They all stop working. It is like diving headfirst into the frozen ocean at the docks.
My female partner tugs on me violently, unwilling to lose my attention.
But I am already lost in the memories of the Winter Fae. All the merriment is extinguished and suffocated by the rock-solid ice of the North. Months of news reports stream through my mind.
That sensation, the dulling of the heat and my fire, still clings to my skin. It is terrible. Bitter cold sweeps through my body and a whole flock of butterflies riot in my stomach. Sweat beads along every surface of my body. I disappear behind a tree and put my head between my legs while I breathe deeply.
I blink away, trying to distract myself from the nausea. Even now, I’m haggard as I pull on the cape shaped like moth wings.
The servants paint my face gold, and I bolt down the stairs without food. Lucinda and I rush to the party in an electric car glamoured to look like a log. Cherie, who I looked for instinctively in the early afternoon, has already moved into the home she had purchased with Mattias.
My mother’s house felt small, empty without my sister. I know neither of us have lived here for a while, but change doesn’t sit well with me.
I am eager to see my sister at the celebrations. Lucinda prattles on the entire way to the forest, but I barely hear a word she says. In my mind, I see the public executions aired on television. I picture the Winter Fae’s head rolling across the iced roads. It terrifies me.
My palms are clammy as I tangle them in the folds of my cloak.
Eventually, the car stops. We have arrived.
“Where’s the mead?” I say curtly, barely setting foot on the ground and cutting off whatever nonsense Lucinda is spouting about some female I danced with last night.
A server appears out of nowhere with a snap of his fingers, hands me a large glass, and then vanishes.
I want to forget tonight, too. And the night after. And after.
* * *
When I open my eyes,I’m leaning against a tree a short distance from the party. The air is warm, and the jewel-like stars twinkle in the sky. I’m close enough to smell the feast but far enough away to feel a calm, peacefulness come over me.
