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“Some time ago, I lied to my family, I hid terrible things from them, and even knowing that I was doing something wrong, I didn't give up, and I acted recklessly.”
“Do you know what God told Moses on Mount Sinai? Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.' God gave us this commandment so that our relationships with others would be based on truth, and together with fulfilling the other commandments, help us live in harmony with them. Lying is not as easy as it seems because it opens the door to a whole psychological process that, starting from moral conscience, passing through reason and language, ultimately manifests itself outwardly as... a lie that conceals the truth. This psychological process shows us that the one who lies is first obliged to lie to himself, to deceive his own conscience in a way with the cunning of reason - which, when it wants to, can even be perverse - to believe that what he is about to say is actually the truth.”
Once, my father blindly believed in the Word of the Lord, and nothing else. He never even attempted to understand anything more than that, and I told him this when we last saw each other. Now, to my astonishment, I realize that my father had delved into some psychology books, and after all this time, he manages to weave the Word of the Lord with the Science that deals with understanding humans—Psychology—to better understand his parishioners and truly guide them towards the light.
He could have used that modernist thinking in the past...
“So, I continue to deceive myself,” I blink and try to make sense of the figure behind the dense wooden bars.
“To forgive yourself for this sin, you must first identify the cause, acknowledge the effect, and finally find the solution. Most of us lie to get out of certain situations. We all do it, even I.”
I startle, and Manasseh's words come to mind.
“Have you ever confessed your mistakes to your neighbor?” I utter before weighing my words, realizing the mistake I've already made.
A devout parishioner does not doubt the word and teachings of the counseling priest.
“Every time, I've tried to shed light on my relationship with my neighbor. When we lie, we prolong our inner tear into the world around us, distancing ourselves from God and fellow humans. Parishioners should be aware that the sin committed by Adam could have been rectified if it weren't for the lie through which Adam and Eve sought to avoid responsibility for their actions. When we lie, we do something more! We undermine the trust of others in ourselves, and trust is one of the pillars that shape interpersonal relationships that are always based on truth.”
I clench my fists, and I feel a rage building up inside me.
He’s lying!
My father lies, without remorse, even after all this time, he considers himself without stain. The heavy feeling that arises within me makes me want to hurt him, to seek revenge, but I’m not like that. I refuse to embrace vengeance anymore, and I choose forgiveness. I have detached myself from that side of me, now that I have also distanced myself from the toxic influence of Manasseh that clouded my judgment.
I take a deep breath. I shake my head and try to push him out of my mind. I don't want him here; not now. I refuse to let him poison my soul and body any longer.
“I’m sorry that I lied,” I say hopefully.
“Recognizing the risks we subject ourselves to when we lie, we realize that it's not worth turning our lives into chaos where we no longer know what is true or false. In fact, it's not worth lying because life is so beautiful when we're together with others, our loved ones, and with God. The beauty of a clean life can never be accompanied by falsehood. It's a sin to lie because it's a sin to destroy communion and trust between people.”
It all sounds so beautiful that it seems unreal. But is there still a way of redemption for me now that our destiny has been altered by my actions?
“Everyone must hate me now,” I sigh and bite my lower lip.
“Hate evil, you who love the Lord!When we hate someone, we have already killed them in our hearts!We should all know that hatred gives birth to the tendency to spiritually kill the person next to us. The sin of hatred is terrible if we allow it to enter our hearts.When you hate someone, there is a state of restlessness in your heart, a darkness of thoughts.Just the simple memory of that person's name triggers a state of disturbance that leads to revenge.Because sins demand each other.The sin of hatred inevitably demands revenge. When we have moments of hatred, let us ask God for help, so that He may grant us at least as much light of thought as we have darkness when we want to take revenge in a malicious way!”
"I understand,” I say shortly.
“Is there something else that burdens your soul, my child?”
“Perhaps the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in three years.”
The church sinks into a grim silence.
“Re-becca?” My father's voice breaks into pieces, and the silence is shattered.
“Mhm,” I mumble, looking down, embarrassed.
I hear the door of the confessional open, and I immediately step out. The look on my father's face hits me right in the heart, in that sensitive place for which I could have sworn nothing existed anymore.
“I'm sorry,” my father's face, with more wrinkles than I remember, is flooded with tears.
“Me too,” I rush into his arms and burst into a fit of crying so powerful that the silence that had surrounded us earlier shatters into pieces, and the walls of St. Giles' church are now flooded with my disturbing sobs.
I cry so hard, the way I haven't allowed myself to do in a long time, and I cling to his cassock, which smells just as I remember.
Comforting.
