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“I’m sorry”!” I look at the blue urn, and my body trembles as I feel my cheeks wet with cold tears. “I didn’t want to think only about myself. I didn’t want to force you, but... I didn’t want to be alone either. I don’t want to be alone, mom. Why did you leave me alone?” I kneel down and surrender to a fit of sobbing, as my mind grows dark and I scream amidst the tears.
Two knocks on the door snap me out of the haze of my mind, and I turn my head, thinking that maybe I had made too much noise and Mrs. Tita, the neighbor, was concerned about me.
“I’m fine, Tita! I just dropped a cup”,” I shout from the kitchen, because my voice is loud enough to travel through the small hallway and reach the thin door of the shabby apartment building where my mother and I live, as we couldn’t afford anything else.
I hear two more knocks.
Didn’t she hear me?!
“I’m coming”,” I rise to my knees and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand.
I move slowly, as the effects of the blow to my head still resonate with each step I take. There’s something wrong with me. I still don’t feel physically recovered, and the thought of becoming the girl I used to be terrifies me.
To be weak again, dependent on others, to drown in helplessness... I would rather die. I still feel the cut on the sole of my foot just as intensely, as well as the weakness in my hands. I still can’t fully control my body, so I lean on whatever is in my path. I open the door without looking through the peephole, but I don’t see anyone.
Have I gone mad, or was there really someone here?
Bored kids playing pranks.
“Very funny, you punks”!” I shout from the hallway and hear heavy footsteps struggling to climb, catching a glimpse of a shadow from the stairwell as it wobbles, accompanied by labored wheezes along with the noisy steps.
When I see the first step ascending to the final one, I also see why it took so long. With two heavy bags, my neighbor had barely made it to the first floor of the old building where I live.
Tita has problems with one leg ever since she got injured at work a few years ago, leaving her with a long-term motor disability.
“Why didn’t you call me for help”?” I grab the bags and wait for her to grab my arm. I grit my teeth as I feel them much heavier than they should be.
Damn this freaking helplessness in my bones!
“I didn’t want to bother you with my problems, dear. I know you have your own. I understand, you need time to mourn”.”
My red eyes must be to blame.
“I don’t need it. I could be sad, but I have things to do.”
I don’t, but I would do anything just to not be alone.
“Then do you think you can make time for dinner tonight, amidst everything else? Or maybe it’s better if you come over to eat with us, no need to help me. Steph is at school now, and you’d get bored with an old woman like me. I’m not very entertaining company”.”
Tita has two children. One of them is working in Spain, and Steph still lives here with her, just starting high school. She’s a really good and well-behaved girl, but delicate and thin. Somehow... she reminds me of myself, the way I used to be.
“I’m coming”,” I grab the bags and walk with her to the door. She takes a moment to catch her breath. “And you should know, you’re way funnier than me”.”
“Funny like a green tomato among red ones”,” she lets out a dramatic sigh and leans against the door. “Did those jerks show up again with eviction notices? Do you need some cash, honey”?”
“Huh”?” I turn, distracted by her intense stare, and spot a note hanging from the doorknob, flipped upside down again.
I peel it off and turn it around. No address or anything, so I unfold it and read it.
You’re not alone. I’m always here... close to you.
My blood runs cold as I crumple it up and hastily stuff it into my pocket.
“Is it some big bill”?” Tita stretches her neck curiously.
“Nah”,” I shake my head and open the door to my apartment. “See you tonight for dinner”.”
“Sure”,” Tita turns the key in the lock, her worried gaze never leaving me.
