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Numb.
Everything in me feels numb.
Grayson and I are lying on the couch watchingWhite Lotus, his arm around me, his hand drawing feather-light circles on my hip. I stare at the screen but can’t seem to focus on the show.
I’ve felt like this for days. My mind keeps wandering to when Jake and I were kids. The nights he would lie beside me when I was crippled by my nightmares, the days he took me to the beach with him and his friends, so that I wasn’t alone at Gran’s. For my entire life, he has supported me, protected me, made me feel safe and cared for. We both lost our parents the night of the fire, but he saw through his own pain to make sure I was okay. He got me through the worst days of my life, and I have always been grateful to him. So how did I have it in me to lie to him for months?
“What’s on your mind?” Grayson asks gently.
“Nothing.”
“I don’t believe you,” he says, slipping his arm from around my back so I’m forced to shift and sit up. “You’ve been so quiet. I don’t blame you, but it’s killing me slowly to see you like this. And I hate that you’re shutting me out.”
I hate it too.
I know that I’ve been distant from Gray, but how can I let myself be happy without first mending things with my brother? I feel like I can’t just carry on with Grayson when I know that we don’t have Jake’s blessing. He has always put me first. How can I not do the same for him now? I hate it all. But there’s a chance that my brother will never see how happy Grayson makes me. And if that’s the case, my instinct is to protect my heart. Old habits die hard, and kicking into survival mode is what I’ve always done.
I need things to be right with my brother before I can give my entire heart to Gray.
“I’m sorry.” I squeeze my eyes shut.
“I know.”
Tears blur my vision. This is exactly why I’ve never wanted a relationship, why I’ve never wanted to let myself love another person again. It hurts too much to lose them.
“We haven’t really talked about this, but Sierra, I meant what I said to your brother when he walked in on us,” Grayson says, eyes glassy. “I love you. I love you so fucking much and I’m not going anywhere. I want this with you.”
I feel my heartbeat in my chest like a thousand wild horses.I want him too.
“You were made for me,” he continues. “And your brother is going to come around and see how good we are together. I promise you.”
Grayson reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I’ve been patient, and I’ll continue to be, but I don’t think this is going to get better if we just keep avoiding it. I’m not waiting this out anymore. I’m going to talk to him.”
“And what if he doesn’t come around?” My voice trembles, and I hate how it sounds. “What if he can’t forgive us?”
“I’ve known Jake long enough to know that the man is stubborn and he doesn’t like change. He’s protective of you—maybe a little too protective—but after what you guys went through, it’s easy to understand why. Your brother wants you to be happy and if being with me makes you happy, he’ll support us. I’m sure of it.”
I sigh. “I’ve never seen him that upset, Gray. It broke my heart.”
“I know. I hated it too,” he says, softly tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “But trust me, sunshine, he’ll come around. He has to, because I’m not willing to lose you.”
I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Grayson says, his eyes on mine. “I’m not giving up on us. I won’t. You’re the one I want… you know that, right?”
I love him with every fibre of my being, but I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. Not now. I’m numb, going through the motions. Nothing will feel right until I have my brother back.
“Sierra, baby,” he says, reaching for me and pulling me across his lap. His worried eyes are still the most beautiful shade of brown I’ve ever seen. “I need you to trust me when I tell you that we’re worth it. We’re going to get through this. I promise.”
I know how much he needs me. Needs us. I hear it in his voice, I see it in the way he’s looking at me. And although I can’t give him my whole heart, I can give him every other part of me.
He kisses me hard, like he’s afraid to lose me. Neither of us know what the future holds, and the kiss feels desperate, charged with emotion.
As the evening slips into night and darkness washes over the room, Grayson undresses me slowly, lying me down on the couch before stripping out of his own clothes and lowering himself over me. He kisses me again before pulling back, his eyes searching mine.
“You’ve buried yourself so deep into my soul, sunshine. I never want to know what it feels like to lose you.”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes, feeling the emotion in his voice in every inch of my body. The three words I’ve never said to any man sit heavily on my tongue. I wish I could tell him that I love him. That I never want to be with anyone else ever again.
But instead, I kiss him, and his mouth captures the words that stay on the tip of my tongue.
