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“Oh, fine,” Sarah replied, as a matter of habit, before she decided to be just a little more honest. “Nathan’s a bit stressed about work, and Mairi’s even more stressed about her GCSEs. She’s always been something of a high achiever, but I am worried that she’s putting too much pressure on herself.” She crossed her arms a bit defensively as she waited for the kettle to boil; she wasn’t used to admitting so much, to letting someone know that things weren’t absolutely perfect and completely under her control.
“She’s such a bright girl, isn’t she? I’m sure she’ll do wonderfully well, but it’s hard when they put that kind of pressure on themselves,” Ellie replied in her usual, warm way. Jess was doing GCSES as well, Sarah thought, but she didn’t seem to suffer from the same kind of anxiety. “Can she take a bit of a break over half-term?”
Sarah gave a little shrug. “I’ve suggested it, but she’s in full-blown panic mode now, with her mock exams next month, as I’m sure you know. Jess doesn’t seem too worried…?”
“I think we have the opposite problem with Jess,” Ellie acknowledged wryly. “I’ve been encouraging her to chip away at the revision, but she hates it when I nag. I’ve decided to more or less leave her to it, now. They’re her exams, not mine, and her grades have been good so far. I suppose I haven’t been too worried.” She smiled guiltily, like she’d just confessed something she shouldn’t have.
“You’re lucky, then.” Sarah sighed and reached for the kettle, which had started to boil. “To tell the truth, I was the same as Mairi, always striving to do better, tobebetter. I didn’t want to be any other way, but…” She hesitated, unsure where she was going with that sentiment. She was still that kind of person, and she liked it. Being in control, unflappable, the one who knew what to do and kept her head in a crisis—like now, even, when Ellie was comparing herself to a headless chicken and here she was, calmly making tea. That was who she wanted to be, who sheneededto be, except… she felt as if inside, she wasn’t that at all. As if she didn’t really know how to be that way, anymore. Somewhere along the road, she’d lost the ability.
“But?” Ellie prompted gently. She rose from her chair to fetch the milk, splashing a bit in both of their mugs.
“I don’t know,” Sarah replied with a tired laugh. Her thoughts were too jumbled—as well as exposing—to explain to Ellie right now. She needed to sift through them herself a bit more first. “I’m just worried about Mairi, I suppose.”
Ellie nodded in sympathy, although Sarah had the sense that she hadn’t entirely convinced her sister-in-law that worry for Mairi was the only thing going on. At least Ellie hadn’t pressed her any more about Nathan.
They spent the next twenty minutes tackling the to-do list over mugs of tea. Sarah studied the mood boards Ellie had mocked up for the interior decorating—blue and silver for the dining room, and crimson and gold for the sitting room. Loads of fresh evergreens and holly, wreaths on every door, personalized presents for each child.
“It does all look and sound amazing,” Sarah murmured. “There’s a wonderful garden shop on the way to Garway that does loads of lovely ornaments. We might even be able to get some wholesale. And the velvet ribbon for the table—you can buy that at the craft shop in Abergavenny quite cheaply, I think.”
“Really?” Ellie brightened at the thought. “That’s wonderful. Thank you, Sarah.”
Sarah glanced down at the photos Ellie had printed out for inspiration. “It all looks fabulous. Really quite elegant.”
Ellie’s hopeful smile faltered a bit at the edges. “Not too elegant, I hope, though.”
“Tooelegant?” Sarah raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Ellie blew out a breath. “Matt said something to me the other day, about how I was trying too hard. How the inn wasn’t meant to be super fancy, that kind of thing…”
“Well, I wouldn’t say these are super fancy,” Sarah remarked, glancing down at the photos again. “Just nice. But he’s one to talk, when he was going on about those fancy ensuite bathrooms and such back at the beginning!”
“Yes, and he said as much. He thinks I’m falling into the same trap as he did.”
“Hmm.” Sarah glanced at Ellie’s troubled expression, her forehead furrowed, and her mouth drawn into a worried frown, as she considered the matter. “Is that what you think?”
“I don’t know what I think,” Ellie admitted. “I just really want this to work. I don’t want the inn to have to close.”
“I don’t think anyone wants the inn to close,” Sarah replied mildly, and Ellie sighed as she reached for her tea.
“I know, but sometimes it feels like I’m more invested in keeping it open than anyone else.” She glanced up, her cup halfway to her lips, a look of something almost like panic in her eyes. “I don’t mean that as a criticism—”
“I know,” Sarah replied, a bit bemused. Once, she probably would have taken it as such, bristled about how Ellie wasn’t the only invested one here, but, right now, she simply didn’t have the energy or emotion for such a sentiment.
“It’s just… I don’t know,” Ellie continued quietly. “Your mum seems happy to potter around, and I can’t blame her, after everything she’s been through. She’s past retirement age anyway, so she surely deserves her rest. And Matt has developed this attitude of… of insouciance, like it’s all going to work out, even if we stand around twiddling our thumbs.” She bit her lip. “Sorry, that’s a bit unfair. He is working hard on the outdoor stuff. It’s just… a feeling I get, I suppose.”
“What about the children?” Sarah asked, and Ellie shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’m trying not to scare them too much, you know, since they’ve already had so much change in their lives, moving to Wales in the first place. But the older ones don’t seem that bothered, sometimes. I think Jess would like to have her own room, which could happen if the inn did shut.”
“So why do you think you care so much?” Sarah probed, keeping her tone gentle. “Why has it become so important to you?”
“Because it’smine,” Ellie burst out, then gave Sarah a guilty look. “Sorry, I know the inn isn’t mine at all. But the original idea… that feels like it was. And if it fails, it feels personal. Like I’ve failed. Like I’m a failure.”
She lapsed into silence while Sarah absorbed what she’d been saying. It was basically what she’d been feeling too—about her marriage. If it failed, then she failed.
“I think that’s at the heart of what I’m afraid of,” Ellie continued, “although, of course, there’s also the uncertainty of what would happen if the inn had to close—Matthew would have to get a new job, and me too, probably.” She gave a long, weary sigh. “Don’t mind me. I’m just tired. It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a broken night.”
“Why do you think Ava wet the bed?” Sarah asked, determined to stay practical. “Was it a one-off? Do you limit her liquids in the evening?”
