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“Her,” Sarah had returned a bit sharply. “It’s a her, Nathan, not anit. Mabel, remember?”
He’d turned to give her a look that had said as plainly as if he’d spoken aloud,Really?
Sarah had done her best to curb her temper.
“The point is, we need to talk to her,” she’d persisted. “She’s getting far too stressed about exams, and she needs some balance in her life—”
“She also gets to decide her own priorities,” Nathan had interjected, “and she’s always been a sensible girl. Frankly, doing well at her GCSEs seems like a good priority to me, even if she is a bit stressed about it.” He’d sounded reasonable, but also somewhat disinterested, even about his own children. When had this attitude started? Sarah had wondered. It wasn’t new, she’d realized that much. He’d been acting like this for a couple of months, if not quite as obviously as he was now.
“But she has other commitments she has to honor,” Sarah had continued. “Like doing crafts with Jess for the inn—”
Nathan had given her another one of those looks, and this time he’d accompanied it with the predictable response. “Really? You think gluing some glitter onto a leaf is more important than studying for her exams?”
Sarah had supposed she should take heart that he’d at least listened to that part, because that was indeed what Mairi and Jess were doing, but he was still missing the point entirely.
“She said she’d do it,” she’d told him. “Don’t you want her to be a woman of her word?”
“Well, yes, of course, but maybe she didn’t realize how demanding her studies would be. Isn’t Jess in the same year? Why isn’t she studying?”
“Jess is doing fine. Besides, it’s only October, and kids don’t need to be studying all the time.”
Nathan had let out a huff of something almost like laughter. “That doesn’t sound like something you’d say, Sarah,” he’d remarked.
She’d sat down on the bed, slumping a bit, because she’d known he was right. Ithadn’tsounded like something she would normally have said. Usually, she was the one checking the time, making lists, telling Mairi she could get a quick half-hour of revision in before supper… what had changed? Was it her? She kept thinking everyone else was acting differently, but what ifshewas?
“I want my children to lead healthy, balanced lives,” she’d stated quietly, and Nathan had given her a look of eloquent disbelief.
“Really?” he’d said—again—as he’d tossed his work shirt near—not in—the laundry hamper. “Because I always thought you wanted them to succeed, Sarah. I thought we both did.”
“At what?” Sarah had fired back. She’d been trying to have a discussion, but it seemed poised to become an argument.
Nathan had shrugged as he’d pulled on his T-shirt for bed. “At everything,” he’d replied simply, and Sarah had fallen silent because what, really, had there been to say to that? She’d known he was right—up to a point—but she also knew she didn’t want that anymore. Not exactly, anyway, even if she would have in the past. “I thought you’d be cracking the whip, telling her to study more,” he’d remarked in a careless kind of way as he climbed into bed and then reached for his phone to check it, its screen angled away from her. “That’s what you usually do.”
Sarah hadn’t been able to reply, because once again she’d known he was right… and yet she hadn’t wanted him to be. She didn’t, she realized now as she pulled up to the Bluebell Inn, want to be that sort of person anymore. What it said about who she’d been, or what kind of person she wanted to be now, she had no idea. It was hard enough realizing she’d changed, or at least,wantedto change. And maybe no one else in her family was coming along for the ride.
Feeling glum at the prospect, Sarah climbed out of the car and headed inside, bracing herself for Ellie’s usual state of panicked frenzy.
“She’s in the sitting room,” her mum whispered as she came into the kitchen. “It looks absolutely beautiful, but Ellie keeps twitching pillows and moving ornaments around on the tree. The journalist is meant to be here at ten.”
It was only a little after nine now, which meant nearly a whole hour of keeping Ellie calm and upbeat. Sarah took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Are you all right, darling?” her mum asked softly.
“Yes. Why?” she replied, hearing how defensive she sounded.
Her mother shrugged and spread her hands in a gesture of apology. “You’ve just seemed a bit… distracted lately, I suppose. Maybe even a little… down?” She spoke hesitantly, the words almost an apology, and Sarah knew that if her mother had said something like this to her a few months, or even weeks, ago, she would have received a very terse reply in return, assuring her that she was absolutely fine, ofcourseshe was.
Now, thinking of how Nathan had spoken about her last night, the things he’d said so carelessly, not even considering how they might hurt… something in Sarah finally snapped, or maybe released, like a pressure being eased, or a balloon floating up to the sky. She wastiredof keeping this all in. She didn’t want to do it anymore.
“I have been distracted,” she admitted. “And, frankly, a bit down, Mum, yes.”
“Oh, Sarah.” Her mother’s face was wreathed in kindly concern that made Sarah’s throat thicken and she had to swallow to ease the ache. “I’m so sorry. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, really,” she replied after a moment, when she trusted herself to speak normally. “That is, nothing I can say definitively. But Nathan…” Her throat started to thicken again, and she found she had to blink rapidly to keep the sudden tears at bay.Oh, help. She really didn’t like this. She didn’t like feeling so needy, so vulnerable, not top of her life atall.
“Oh, Sarah…” her mum said again, and then she found herself enfolded in her mother’s arms, her head drawn to her shoulder, even though her mother was a good six inches shorter than she was.
Sarah let out a laugh rather like a hiccup and gave her mother a hug before she eased away, wiping at her eyes.
