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“Well, Nathan, it seems, is tired of me in a completelydifferentway.” Sarah let out a rather hard laugh. “He’s not having the same epiphanies, let’s put it that way, or at least none that he’s shared with me. This whole thing started—well, no, not started, but came to a head, I suppose, because Mairi has been so stressed about her exams that she started cutting herself.”
“Cutting…!” Ellie stared at Sarah in dismay. “Oh, no…”
“We’re working through it,” Sarah confirmed grimly. “Nathan and I talked to her together—he managed that, at least—and she’s agreed to see a counselor. I’m limiting the time she is allowed to spend studying each day.” She let out a small, sad laugh. “Something I never thought I’d say, never mind do. But part of Mairi’s stress came from the pressure she felt Nathan and I were putting on her… not overtly—at least I don’t think so—but the kind of throwaway comments you don’t even think about… or I didn’t, not until recently. I tried to explain that to Nathan, and I think he’s finally started to understand, although… this isn’t just about Mairi. He’s been working around the clock, and I know he has had some pressure there, but…” She let out a sigh. “I don’t think I know who he is anymore, and he doesn’t seem to know who I am.”
“Oh, Sarah.” Ellie reached over and touched her hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“So am I. I don’t want to get divorced,” she stated bluntly. “I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But what do you do when your husband decides he does?”
“Has Nathan decided that? To give up and divorce?” Ellie had never come to know Nathan all that well; he worked long hours and although he’d been enthusiastic about the inn, it had been as a business proposition rather than a family enterprise. He was the sort of person who bounced on his heels and always seemed full of restless energy; you couldn’t pin him down for an extended conversation—not, Ellie acknowledged, that she’d ever really tried all that hard.
“Nathan was the one who decided to move out, certainly,” Sarah replied, “without much of a discussion. He’s taken a short-term let in Cardiff, which, of course, means he won’t see the children very often.” She pursed her lips, looking more sad than angry. “He’s seen them just once since he moved out, although he keeps saying he’ll make plans to come round, take them out. He hasn’t, so far.”
“Oh, Sarah.” Ellie shook her head, feeling sad not just for her sister-in-law, but also her niece and nephew. “How are they taking it?”
“Not great. Mairi is angry and has decided it’s easier to blame me, which I actually understand, and Owen is even more monosyllabic than usual. Plus, he got into trouble at school… for bullying of all things.” She shook her head despairingly.
“He did?” Ellie couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice. “So did Ben. I’d assumed Owen wasn’t one of the other boys—”
“And I’d assumed Ben wasn’t.” Sarah raised her eyebrows and gave a rather grim smile. “I didn’t want to say anything about it, because… oh, well, I’m still the same inside, really, and I hate admitting that I can’t cope. That I feel like a failure—as a mother, as a wife.” She put her hands up to hide her face as an unruly sob escaped her.
“Oh, Sarah, so do I!” Ellie exclaimed. “I was mortified that Ben was suspended for bullying. I think I would have preferred he’d been disciplined for cheating or something like that. But bullying…”
“I know what you mean,” Sarah said through her fingers. “Although I wouldn’t have been thrilled by the cheating, either.”
Ellie gave a small laugh, then clapped her hand over her mouth, horrified that she could be so thoughtless as to laugh in the face of Sarah’s obvious and overwhelming troubles. But then Sarah laughed too, a rusty sound, and she lowered her hands so they could smile at each other, a little shamefaced and battle-weary.
“I don’t know where to go from here,” Sarah admitted. “What do I do? I feel like I need a complete reset, but I don’t know how to accomplish it in a way that works for Mairi and Owen, and also for my marriage…” She shook her head. “I don’t want to give up on it. I made vows, and I take those seriously. But how do I convince Nathan, when he seems determined to have a midlife crisis of some kind? Does he just need time? I don’t even know.” A sigh escaped her, and she reached for her tea, which was now undoubtedly lukewarm. “I don’t even know where to begin, or if I have the energy to. It feels easier to just keep trudging along, and yet I can’t stand that thought. Not anymore.”
Trudging along. It was, Ellie reflected, an apt description of how she sometimes felt. As buoyed as she’d been by the inn’s Christmas bookings, she still felt soul-weary in a way she hadn’t expected. Ben’s issues, as well as Ava and Jess’s… Josh was the only child of hers who seemed to be on an even keel, but she knew he was anxious about moving up to secondary school. And now this possibility of moving to New York… she hadn’t told Sarah about that, and now definitely didn’t seem like the time, but she could relate to Sarah’s sentiments. Sometimes life felt like nothing more than trudging drudgery. Was that just part and parcel of daily existence?
“Has Nathan been willing to have a conversation with you?” she asked. “To talk about the future?”
Sarah shrugged. “He hasn’t been willing or unwilling, as far as I can tell. I haven’t talked to him since he moved out. He stopped by to get a few things and took the kids out for dinner. He told me he’d be in touch soon, but he made me feel like a business acquaintance. I have no idea what’s going through his mind.” Sarah gazed down into her cup. “Maybe I should have twigged this a lot sooner. He’s been distant for months, but I kept trying to convince myself it was just work. Then I was worried it was an affair—” She made a face. “It’s what goes through your mind, isn’t it? But he’s insisted that there’s no one else. It really is justme, it seems.” For a second, she looked as if she might cry again, but then she pressed her lips together and gave a little nod. “So, that’s my sob story.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ellie said again, uselessly. She had no other words, nothing to offer, except her sympathy. “I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you—for all of you.”
“In some ways, it’s almost a relief,” Sarah replied, her forehead furrowing in thought. “In a way I didn’t expect. It was as if this pressure was building inside me, and when he said he was going to move out, it let out a little. But it has left me a bit deflated, so…” She let out a wry laugh and shook her head. “Anyway, enough about all that. I came over here because I wanted to throw myself into something, not moan about my problems. What needs doing? You still have your long list of projects, I assume?”
“Well…” Ellie was cautious, not wanting to overburden her sister-in-law, but Sarah looked determined. “There are always things to do. I wanted to go through the bedrooms, figure out a way to spruce them up a bit. I know we bought new linens and curtains and things two years ago, but I feel like they could use a few extra touches. Nothing too expensive, obviously.”
“All right, then.” Sarah stood up, slapping her hands on the table. “Let’s get to it.”
“If you’re sure—”
“Ellie, I’m very sure,” Sarah replied. “I do not want to dissect my marriage for another millisecond. Figuring out what throw pillows will make a bedroom pop isexactlywhat I need right now.”
Laughing at this, Ellie stood up too. “All right, then,” she said. “Let me lead the way.”
As they walked through the downstairs, Sarah paused by the doorway to the dining room. “You’ve really done a splendid job,” she told Ellie. “I love all the blue and silver—those baubles in the crystal bowl are gorgeous!”
“I bought them at the craft shop you told me about, in Abergavenny,” Ellie told her shyly. “Thanks for the suggestion.”
“You’ve worked so hard, and you’ve made a success of this,” Sarah told her frankly. “I shouldn’t have been such a wet blanket about it all. You’ve certainly proved me wrong!”
“That’s not what I meant to do—” Ellie protested, alarmed that Sarah might think she’d been on some sort of vendetta.
“No, no, I’m glad of it,” Sarah assured her. “Truly. It’s good to see one thing going right, to be honest.” She crossed the hallway to peek in the living room. “With a roaring fire and a glass of mulled wine… guests will love relaxing here. You’ve really done something special.”
