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“Because I have nothing to make up. I’m not the one who got all stick-up-my-ass. I might have pushed it a little, but he was a real fucking prick to me.”
“Sounds about right.” She sighs. “Liv, I don’t even know why he left teaching, okay? Aaron won’t tell me. Says it’s not his business to tell.”
“I don’t care, okay? It just pisses me off that he calls me out on crap he does himself.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not gonna get past that unless you talk.”
“Talking would imply that we’re having a relationship.” I dump my keys on the table.
“You’re still there, huh?”
“We haven’t told each other how we feel…if he even feels anything. And we certainly haven’t put it out there whether or not we want a relationship. Which I don’t. He is not a good person for me.”
“You should have worried about that before you let him fuck you a second time.”
“I should have worried about that when I decided to fuck him without knowing his name,” I snap. “It’s my fault and I get it. I just don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do about it. I want him but I don’t, and I hate him but I don’t.”
She’s silent. I run my fingers through my hair while I wait for her response.
“You’re addicted to him, aren’t you?” Her voice is small and not like it was earlier.
“Yes. And he knows. He just doesn’t know how badly I am.” I screw my eyes shut. I won’t cry. I won’t.
I will.
“Then you have to stand up right now and make a choice. You put an end to it now and move on, or you take a risk and see it through. You can’t keep lingering in that bullshit ‘are we, aren’t we?’ limbo you have been in. Both of you deserve more than that.”
“I know.” I sniff and swipe under my eyes. “It’s been, like, twenty-four hours since I walked out and…I miss him.”
“Ever thought that what you’re feeling isn’t addiction?”
“What are you saying?”
“Have you considered that you might be falling for him?”
I shake my head, although it’s only to myself. “No. I know the difference. I know my addiction. I’m very much in lust with Tyler, but I’m not in love with him. I don’t know him to love him.”
“Sometimes you don’t need to know someone to love them. There’s nothing about love that makes sense.”
“Love and addiction aren’t one and the same, Day. I crave him, but not in the way you crave Aaron. “
She sighs heavily. “Okay, well, whatever you feel, you have to deal with it. Talk to him, one way or the other. I have to go.”
“Okay. I hope your chat goes well.”
“Thanks. Oh, and Liv? Put on a bra if you go out.”
My lips twitch and I hang up.
Talk to Tyler. I don’t want to talk to Tyler. But then, I don’t want to not talk to him. So I’m in a complete clusterfuck, really.
Do I want a relationship with him? Not right now, but I could in the future… That’s not fair to him—to lead him on with a maybe. So he hasn’t admitted himself that he wants anything more than we have despite endless hints, but I can’t guarantee I’ll want more.
What if I change my mind soon though? Like, next-week soon. Then, I could regret not holding on to it.
“What am I supposed to do?” I stare at Angus. He lifts his head and slowly opens his eyes. He doesn’t seem bothered by my predicament at all.
Fine. I’ll remember that next time he’s begging for a fourth meal. Grumpy little shit.
