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He looks at me knowingly. “Without Tyler?”
I fidget. “Yes.”
“What made you leave him?”
“I haven’t left him. Entirely. I’m…taking a break from him.”
Marchant’s lips twitch. “Okay, so what made you need to take a break from him?”
“Everything,” I reply. “I feel like I’m so addicted to him that that’s all I am. I’m not Liv anymore. I’m just…addicted. I obsess over him literally all the time. I can’t do it anymore—I have to be me, too. It hurts.”
“So don’t let yourself be that bad.”
“Really? Years of studying to understand the human mind and all you’ve got is, ‘Don’t let yourself be that bad’? I figured that out without the degree.” I roll my eyes and set my hand on my stomach.
March laughs. “I didn’t mean it so simply. I mean that, once a day, take thirty minutes for yourself and do something that’s you. It’s all about perspective, Liv. If you allow yourself to make everything about him, it will be.”
“It’s not about allowing myself. I can’t help it. He’s the center of my world. Hell, he’s the center of my whole damn universe, and all I can do is hold on to his gravitational pull while I spin out of control.”
“You can help it. Of course you can. It’s your decision, and you have control because you’re aware of it. You’re in the position where you can grab your addiction by the balls and deal with it.”
“Is that professional lingo, Doctor? Grabbing addiction by the balls?”
He half-grins. “If it’s not, it should be. It’s a very clear instruction, don’t you agree?”
“I do agree. And technically, that’s what I want to do. I just wish it were easier to separate the addiction from the love. Sometimes, they feel like they’re the same thing.”
“They are in some aspects. They both make you feel good and they both hurt.”
“Too much,” I say softly. “So much that it’s impossible to differentiate the good and bad feelings.”
March sits back and rubs his chin. His eyes study me intently for a moment. “Have you considered that the way you’re feeling is less about addiction and more about love? You just admitted that they feel the same, and for someone addicted and without the thing they crave, you’re incredibly calm.”
“I have to be calm. I have to keep okay for the baby.”
He leans forward again and rests his forearms on the table. “The thing about addiction, Liv, is that it knows no bounds. It will destroy everything in its path if you let it—including a baby. The power of it is stronger than anything. If it had a total hold over you, you’d be powerless to stop it. Think about that.”
I shake my head. “The baby needs me.”
“It does. That’s correct. But maybe you need you, too. Maybe your addiction isn’t as strong as you think and your hormones have only served to heighten your emotions.”
“This isn’t about my insecurities.”
“On the contrary, I think it’s very much about them. Think about it, Liv. You haven’t known each other long. You’d barely touched on a relationship before you found out you were going to be parents. That’s a huge upheaval on people who have been together for years and planned a baby, let alone a brand-new couple who were surprised by one. Now, I’m not saying call Tyler and live happily ever after. You both have issues you have to work through, and perhaps some time apart is for the best. I’m saying stop and think about what’s really affecting you, and for your own sanity, look past what you perceive as your addiction. You can’t hide behind it for long.”
“Thanks for the ride,” I say, getting out of March’s car.
“Any time, Liv. Remember what I said, and call me, okay?”
I nod and wave as he drives away. I step into the lobby and hold my cramping stomach. Agonizing hunger pains are assaulting my stomach, but the sharp cramps say that I’m not eating any time soon. They say that I’m about to hug my friggin’ toilet yet again.
I’ve kept water down for an hour.
Go me.
I run into my apartment and go straight to the bathroom. I dry heave into the toilet, gripping the sides. I stay still, letting it run its course, and wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead. Then I flush the bile down and walk back out into the front room.
I don’t expect Tyler to be sitting on my sofa.
