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It’s only when he’s gone back to his spot on the blanket that I inhale a shaky breath and swallow my emotions.
I lay on my back with my knees bent, staring up at the star filled sky. Theron does the same next to me, and under the cover of darkness, he takes my hand in his and holds it. I’m transported back to a love story I read when I was a teen which had a scene just like this. The author wrote that beneath the vastness of the sky; the characters felt small and insignificant, and it’s true. I do feel tiny, like a grain of sand on this beach. One moment, it’s on the surface, touched by the wind and the sun, experiencing everything the world has to offer. The next it’s buried and forgotten, crowded in the cold and the dark.
These past few days have been the first in my life where I’ve felt like my head has breached the surface, but now I can already sense the downward spiral that’s going to come when this is over. I don’t want to go back to my lonely flat and my career that’s drowning my soul. I don’t want to kiss these men on the cheek and disappear from their lives. I can’t imagine saying goodbye.
“Thank you for the meal,” Theron says softly.
“Thank you for this.” I turn to face him, as all around us, the other men rest on their backs, staring up into the sky.
“This is what you needed.” He leans in to press a gentle kiss to my lips. “And that too.”
I snuggle into his chest, and he wraps his big arms around me until I feel completely safe.
“This is nice,” Tom says from somewhere behind me.
“Yeah. Nothing like a romantic evening with nine other guys,” Jonas jokes.
The rumble of laughter makes me laugh too. What we’re doing is far from normal, but somehow it feels exactly right.
“I love you, man.” Jimmy slaps Jonas on the shoulder and the two of them end up in a hilarious bro hug, which Jonas is the first to try to wriggle out from.
“Listen dude, I love you too, but definitely not in that way.”
“Shame,” I say, surprising a few of the men in the group. “What? That would be hot as fuck to watch.”
Theron squeezes me and digs his finger into my ribs. “There’s only one person that any of us wants to fuck and watch and that’s you.”
“Point to Theron,” Carson pipes up.
I struggle to sit up, searching for him in the log pile of men around me. “What is this scoring system you have?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Clay laughs. “He does this shit to confuse people. He thinks it’s funny.”
“I can’t even remember who’s in front,” Carson admits, “although I hope it’s me!”
“What would your prize be?”
He grins, and I remember what that smile felt like against my skin. “Another night with you.”
“If that’s the prize, then I’m sure I’m winning,” Gabe says.
Theron makes a low sound that stops all the bickering. “She’s not a prize anyone's winning.”
I know he means it kindly. He’s telling them not to think about me as something they can possess. It’s protective and lovely, and it puts a lump in my throat as big as a Gobstopper.
And stupidly, all I can think of is that I want to be the prize. I want to be someone these men want to possess. I want more nights like this with them surrounding me like a huge wall against the world.
I’d give them my body whenever they wanted it. I’d give them my heart in all the different ways they needed it. I’d try to light up their lives in whatever way would make them happy if I could just feel good enough and brave enough for once in my life.
Theron’s assessment of me was right.
I’m trapped in a place where the ground always feels shaky and I’m always on my own, trying to find my way in the world.
But here and now, I can pretend for a little while longer that I have what Natalie found with her triplet husbands.
Safety. Security. Confidence. Love. Family. Belonging.
It’s not too much to ask for, is it?
