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We’re afraid.
Do I really want to know?
Can’t I just live in this innocence?
It’s tempting. In his arms, I can forget all and only remember that I love him. But it’s not fair. It’s too much to let him carry alone. He has for ten years, and it almost killed him.
“I can’t sleep.” I kiss his chest. “Can you?”
“No.” He squeezes me tighter. “I don’t want this to change.”
“But we have to.” I lift my head and turn his chin my way. “We have to change. This secret. It’s destroying us.”
“I’m afraid the truth will too.”
“Then let’s be afraid together.” I rest my head on the pillow we share. My eyes bore into his, and I swear, “I’m in this with you.” I reach for his hand. “Please tell me what happened.”
“When I tell you”—his eyes glass with fear—“promise me we won’t lose this. Not after everything we’ve been through to get here.”
“I promise.” I do from my soul. “I won’t leave you.”
I see the lump in his throat as he swallows down the pain. It keeps him quiet before he asks, “What do you remember about that night?”
“We were getting ice cream. You went back for our second scoop, and I was standing by the curb, waiting for you. Then suddenly, TJ grabbed my wrist. I turned around, and Gentry was behind me, too, standing by his car, idling at the curb. I knew it from the look in their eyes—they’d hurt me. Then you ran over, and the three of y’all started fighting. I tried fighting, too, but it was a tornado of fists, and I got knocked to the ground.”
“Do you remember who grabbed your necklace when you did?”
“No.”
“It was Gentry. That’s what set me off so bad.”
“I thought I lost it because it happened so fast. Then TJ went after me while I was on the ground. He said, ‘Watch, pretty boy, while I make her suck my ice cream cone,’ and started unzipping his pants and grabbing my neck like he was going to make me suck his dick, but you started wailing on him, right?”
His nostrils flare. “Yeah.”
“But once you got TJ off me, Gentry said, ‘Fine, pretty boy. We’ll take you instead,’ and both guys had you, dragging you back into the car…”
Tears wet the pillow under me, but I won’t stop. “And you screamed for me to run. Like it was either you or me, and you let them take you.”
The sacrifice in Redix’s eyes at that moment is branded on my soul forever.
“And I’m sorry,” I cry. “But I couldn’t stop them. They shoved you in the car and jumped in, too, and took off. I don’t even know who was driving, but I chased after the car, but it didn’t matter. They sped away, and I couldn’t breathe. They had you. And it should’ve been me.”
I fight back the sob confessing, “That’s all I think about, every single day, that it should’ve been me. They were after me, not you, and I’m so sorry.”
His thumb wipes away my tears. “I’d do it all again for you.”
I kiss his palm, biting back the guilt. “What happened next?” I barely whisper, “Please tell me.”
“You got your dad, didn’t you?” He doesn’t answer me. “Why didn’t you get your mom too?”
“Because you had weed in your pocket, and I was dumb and eighteen. I worried you’d get busted with it. So I called my dad for help. If I called Mama or the police, I worried you’d get in trouble and lose your career or something. I didn’t know better.”
“It’s okay.” He brushes back my bangs. “You did the smart thing. Your dad saved my life.”
“How?”
He’s quiet. His hand starts shaking, brushing over my hair like it soothes him.
