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Yes, Redix, this is me moving on.
He pushed me to do it. He knows I’ll get revenge, and yes, I’m crazy to do it. When he finally turns away and breaks my stare. I know it.
Yes, this is me… breaking into pieces, losing the love of my life.
CHAPTER NINE
There’s a list of things that keep me sober.
My steps. My meetings. My journals. My sponsor and counselor. I’ll pick up a guitar or spin a new bowl on the potter’s wheel I bought. I’ll do a hundred bench presses or run on the beach. That last part usually gets fucked because someone will recognize me, and I can’t run at night.
Not on that beach.
Not after what happened to me there.
My favorite thing that keeps me sober is this. Playing with my nephew, Nicolas.
“Alright, little man.” I look over the instructions for the LEGO Space Shuttle. “What’s next?”
A pile of white LEGOs covers his bedroom floor, and I’m six years old for this, too.
“We gotta build the command module.”
His nose won’t look up from his busy fingers, and I love this. Hanging out with him is simple. It’s pure joy, and I can forget seeing Cade with that guy this past weekend.
Silas is his name.
I overheard someone whisper it like parlor gossip. Apparently, he’s the heir to the Van de May fortune.
Fucking great.
He’s hot, he’s got Cade, and he’s got billions.
And I don’t know what I felt that night staring him down. Too many emotions attacked me, and you’d think I’d want to punch the guy, but I have no right. That’s just bullshit alpha male instincts telling me to, but those are fucking exhausting.
And for the insecure, small dicks who gotta prove with their fists what’s not in their pants.
Sorry, that was alpha too.
I mean, “they need to learn to love themselves” and all that shit. That’s what my counselor’s been driving into my brain like an iron spike.
Slowly, it’s sinking in.
But when I saw Silas up close, I felt something else. Fast.
Silas isn’t me in a mirror. No, he’s the me I would’ve been before a few men tried to break me. I couldn’t stop staring at Silas, wondering…
What would I be like if that night never happened?
I’d be happy and whole and married to Cade. I’d have a simple life with her and love it.
That dream died with the old me.
The one Silas looks like.
I was talking about Cade, feeling her in my heart, and looking at him and anger left me. All I felt was warm and safe. I’ve never felt that around another man. Not after the ones I’ve survived. And I knew Cade was safe with him, too, and that’s all I want.
It was so fucking weird because I know what he got her to do under the table.
